Tuesday, September 29, 2009

"Oh, and uh, Mitch, Carl ..."

Some Actors Who, No Matter What Else They Do In Life Or In Their Careers, Will Always Have A Special Place In My Heart. And Why.

Ashton Kutcher: Dude, Where’s My Car? This guy is almost more retarded than Keanu Reeves, and never was as good looking, and what is the DEAL with his life, but: “Yeah, yeah, its mystery is exceeded only by its power.” “What does mine say?” “Dude.” “Heh. What does mine say?” “Sweet.” “Heh. What does mine say?” “DUDE.” “Heh. What does mine say?” “SWEET. WHAT DOES MINE SAY?” “DUDE! WHAT. DOES. MINE. SAY?” “SA-WEE-TAH! WHAT DOES MINE SAY?”

David Krumholtz: Slums of Beverly Hills. Mr. Gleemonex and I actually call him “Luck Be A Lady.” If you ever saw this movie, and his bong-hit-fueled, tighty-whities-only a cappella performance of that song, you’d still have a season pass for the laughable idiocy that is NUM3ERS, too.

Ben Affleck: Dazed & Confused. “Y’all ready to kick some ass?” “Y’all hear some kid’s mom pulled a shotgun on my ass?” “Hoooo-eeee, ducks on a pond!” “Y’all are a disgrace … to the sport of pool … and y’should be proud … that I even let y’play … at my table.” I could go on. In fact, I am. I’m just going to stop typing it now, is all.

Jennifer Aniston: Office Space. Well, I know Lumbergh fucked ‘er.

Kevin Corrigan: Slums of Beverly Hills (“You know, you’re not supposed to wear a bra with those.”), Grounded for Life. (“I know about … seventy-five guys.”)

Brad Pitt. True Romance. I cannot look at him without thinking of the honey bear bong, and his request for some cleaning products. That’s how Mr. Gleemonex and I say it, when a cleaning product must be bought for the Gleemonex household. And now you will too!

Jennifer Connelly: Labyrinth. There’s something weird and harsh about her now, and I don’t really buy whatever she’s selling, but as the grumpy, dramatic, put-upon teenager getting totally owned by David Bowie, she’s gold.

Nicolas Cage, Honeymoon in Vegas. If the Fiveheaded One himself, Las Vegas, Hawaii, or flying Elvises, or even Jimmy Caan cross my mind, I’m pretty much guaranteed to start hollering “Is that Kapa-a-ah, or Kapa-a-a-AAAHHH?”

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Friday, September 25, 2009

Rosemary: Satan's Favorite Herb

Internets, what is the fucking deal with rosemary? I had a beautiful lunch ruined by it again this week, and I’m goddamn tired of it.

It was going to be so good – heirloom tomatoes, fresh mozzarella, balsamic vinegar, all on toasted focaccia. I opened it up, salted my tomats, and took a big old honkin bite … aaaaaaaugh! Rosemary! Stealth rosemary in the bread! It was hidden – I didn’t see any of the hideous flecks when I checked, but oh Shatner have mercy, the stuff was riddled with it! Breadfail. Epic breadfail.

Rosemary is a perfectly lovely name for a person, a Lenny Kravitz song, and/or Satan's babymama. But the substance, the actual herb, smells like your grandma’s attic and tastes like dogpissed ditch weed that grew by the side of the 101 freeway. And it doesn’t help its case that those assmunches, Simon & Tardfunkel, sang about it in one of the single most annoying songs in the history of recorded music.

Put it in the Bin 'o Hellish Crap, alongside bananas, hamsters, and arugula. And set it all on FIRE.

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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Better double-bag it. I don't know where that girl been.

You all know I’m never one to judge (oh nooo, never never), but seriously, sincerely: Doesn’t it seem like you could catch the herpe just by looking at David Duchovny? Best not to meet his eyes. I’ve seen Clash of the Titans a few (dozen) times. I know how it works.

Completely unrelated, the results of a strange trip down an Internets rabbit-hole doing research for a thing I’m writing: HEY LAB PARTNER AND BERWIE: Isn’t this what we did through Lab Partner’s church that time in seventh grade?

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Tuesday, September 22, 2009

5150, indeed.

Things Which Confound and Annoy:

Hack City USA
WTF was up with House last night? I mean, I get it, but I’m talking specifically about the 12-year-catatonia lady. No spoilers, don’t worry (there’s likely to be a 12-year-catatonia lady in any mental hospital worth its salt, amirite?) – it’s just that what they did with her was telegraphed from like Minute One, was taken from the Big Book of Mental Hospital Movie/TV Cliches, should probably have involved Robin Williams or Mandy Patinkin, and was absolutely, hysterically laughable. As a House fan, I’m used to fantastic leaps of logic – leaps so fantastic they’re more like magick – but this catatonia-lady thing, holy Haldol-sweating Shatner, y’all. It was way beneath them, and bodes ill for the coming season. I hope it’s just a quick detour through Hack City while road work is being done on the Interstate, and not a permanent stay in the Hack City Motor Inn & Diner (air-conditioning! Three free channels of TV! Ice machines!).

Have you no sense of decency, sir?
By which I mean: Where's the love for the hyphen these days? I'm all for constructions that suit the moment (see: every entry ever on this blog), but as my eighth-grade English teacher, Mrs. Johnson, used to say to our endless whining bitchery about having to diagram sentences: "You have to know the rules before you can break them." But people are just leaving hyphens out whenever, wherever, and putting them in in the same fashion, and it's just TOTAL ANARCHY. A hyphen means something, people. You can't just decide it's "extrathick" instead of "extra-thick" just because you think hyphens are fuddy-duddy, Cookie magazine. OhIhateyousomuch.

The boys of summer
Why is the World Series starting so fuckin late this year? Oct. 28? And scheduled to run into November? WTF, MLB? The only other time it's been that late was because of the Sept. 11 attacks. This is inexcusable.

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Thursday, September 17, 2009

Big Ben, kids! Parliament!

Things Mister Chatty Motherfucker Enjoys Pouring Out Of His Chat-Hole Onto Whatever Luckless Bastard Of A Seatmate He Has Cornered For The Duration, In Full Earshot Of Our African-American, Union-Member Regular Bus Driver: A Partial List

1) Unions, and how they’re choking to death not only this particular bus line entity, but all enterprise of any kind anywhere, and how if the companies were allowed to hire contractors everything would be ship-shape. (He actually said ship-shape.)

2) How “this guy” (with a gesture toward our driver) was “only about 10 minutes late today,” which is “better than most of these guys.”

3) How Obama could fix this situation with our bus line (slated for permanent discontinuance in December) if he wanted to, but he won’t.

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Monday, September 14, 2009

Cellophane flowers of yellow and green

A fact of which I am extraordinarily proud: Kid Gleemonex, not yet two years old, can recognize the Beatles in any of their incarnations, from the half-lit 1962 Kirchherr photos to the “OMG I hate all three of the rest of you guys and your ASS FACES! I’m going to hide from you behind a ridiculous growth of hair, like a shrub I carry around with me 24/7!” phase near the end, and including Sgt. Pepper jackets, India, Sullivan, the whole bit. She’ll cheerfully volunteer that “they play guitar,” then point to Ringo and say “drums.”

It’s like I’ve said before: We don’t go to church, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have values.

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Thursday, September 10, 2009

Remember that time I tripped you and you fell and everybody laughed in school?

Internets: Hey, Gleemon --

Gleemonex: WHAT.

Internets: Jeez, touchy. Just wanted to know if you've --

Gleemonex: Yes. And they didn't let my comment through, OBVIOUSLY.

Internets: OK, chill! Jeezus. Back up. What gave you offense, o delicate flower?

Gleemonex: Editorial in the Hometowne Newspaper by some K-Mart Think Tank board member -- may I quote it?

Internets: Do. I presume your comments are in the brackets?

Gleemonex: You presume correctly. Here goes:

It may seem innocuous for President Obama to speak directly to students about the importance of education. If that were the whole story, this could be a milestone that parents need not fear. Unfortunately, Obama may have an ulterior motive.[OMG. Srsly.]

Obama is expected [by you idiots] to talk about controversial policy proposals that would change our country. Many of us who have well-intentioned policy disagreements with the president have reason for concern.


It is recommended that teachers discuss - among other things - "Why is it important that we listen to the president and other elected officials, like the mayor, senators, members of congress, or the governor? Why is what they say important?"

The lesson plan goes further [oh dear god no!], saying: "Students might think about: What specific job is he asking me to do? Is he asking anything of anyone else? Teachers? Principals? Parents? The American people?"

That's enough to send chills down my spine. Schoolchildren should not be indoctrinated in obedience to and service in support of the president of the United States. Our system is based on the rule of law, and a robust tradition of loyal opposition, not blind support for the president in power.[ain't THAT rich!]

Obama is expected to address the "challenges" facing him in Congress [so you're saying they're not challenges?] and will likely use that opportunity to promote global warming taxes and a Washington take-over of the country's health care system [riiiight, I'm pretty sure that's what he wants to tell the kids, right after he says the magic secret words that make them Commie homos]. Hearing only one side of the story, many young people could be swayed. [you don't say. Pot, meet kettle ...]

Internets: Wow. Ohhh ... kay.

Gleemonex: Exactly. So I responded:

[response redacted -- if you know where to find it, you can read it there, because they actually for once posted my response (after I wrote to the editor and business office to complain); sorry, Greater Internets, but I prefer minimal connection between Internet Me and Real Me]

Internets: I can see where they'd have a problem with that.

Gleemonex: Yeah. Clearly. GOD, this is wearing me out.

Internets: Buck up, camper. These vile swine are having their last, ugly, repugnant, vicious hurrah. You ever hear of somebody being "hoist on their own petard"?

Gleemonex: Yeah ...

Internets: Or being given enough rope?

Gleemonex: Uh huh.

Internets: Well, OK then.

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Friday, September 04, 2009

Back off, man. I'm a scientist.

Internets, I’m sure it comes as no surprise that my Hometowne Skool District has announced it declines to show to its students the upcoming address to the nation’s schoolkids by President Obama.

The official announcement says that “in order to not interrupt instructional learning,” they’re not participating, but will helpfully provide a link to the webcast for families to view at home.

It gives me Tired Head* to think about this, but a couple of major points do suggest themselves:

--“Instructional learning,” eh? Somehow I doubt that. Y’all are the ones who think you ought to have a Bible class, for credit, in the public high school that is the only game in town. Plus also, what the Shatner is “instructional learning”?

--I’m sure, just totes, TOTES sure, y’all would’ve done the same thing if our former President, the Walking Advertisement for Abortion, had had the same idea. Because y’all are non political like that.

--“In order not to interrupt” learning, riiiiiight. So the weekly football pep rallies (carved out of “instructional learning” time every Friday via a “pep rally” bell schedule for the day), the frequent huckstery, Sham-wowzy sales/fundraising presentations, the overtly religious special assemblies featuring youth pastors and the like – those are some how not interruptors of “instructional learning”?

--The address is going to be about working hard, staying in school, taking responsibility for your education. Yeah, I can see how that’s some dangerous shit.

--A bunch of K-Mart University Poli Sci majors are freaking the fuck out about how they heard at the end the kids are going to have to “pledge to serve Barack Obama.” I know this likely came from the kind of multi-FW email my granddad and his friends send to each other, and seriously: As a nation, we are being held hostage by this kind of violently stupid and dangerous assholery. It’s scary.

In conclusion: Sorry, Mom. We’re never, ever moving back to Cowburg.


*Credit for that phrase and many others I use must go to Liberally Lean in the Land of Dairy Queen, a popular blog out of the Olde Hometown. Written by one of the few actual liberals in the area, the comments section of LL is usually overrun by mouth-breathing semi-retards who fail to see the irony in comments like “Keep your dirty govment hands out of my medicare!” LL posted the ISD announcement, and there have so far been close to four hundred (400) comments on the subject (over the span of several related posts).

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Tuesday, September 01, 2009

There is no Dana only Zuul.