Satan’s Favorite Fruit

Internets, I cannot brook bananas. The whole concept is unsupportable. A cheery, tropical yellow package, crammed full of vitamins and potassium and good nutrition, great fun for monkeys and for dorm RAs who are trying to teach freshpersons how to use a condom – but it’s sheer gaggy death to eat one. My GOD what a horrible taste. And the texture, holy flaming SHATNER the texture. It’s what every food is going to be like in your mouth in hell – dig into that juicy steak? BANANA TEXTURE! Crunch some salt and vinegar potato chips? BANANA TEXTURE! Dip crusty bread into a hot bubbly cheese fondue? BANANA TEXTURE! Satan the trickster wills it so!

The only reason they’re even in my house is, I cut them up for my baby to eat, because she [hack! ptui!] likes them and they’re good for her. But fourteen seconds after they’re out of that loathsome leathery peel, which drapes over your hand and besmirches your clean skin no matter how you contort to avoid it, they start to blacken in the center and get slimy (even the ones you buy almost green). How can something whose natural state is so close to putrescence and decay be good for you? HOW? And why do they smell so bad, like they're off-gassing benzene like a plastic toy made in the worst most neglected chemical dumping ground in China? And why do otherwise normal people ruin perfectly good smoothies and fruit salads and tropical juice blends with this unholy substance? To slice them onto cereal is an abomination, to put them on PB sandwiches is profane, to douse them in chocolate and freeze them is BLASPHEMY, a crime against Shatner and all humanity.