Tuesday, July 08, 2014
Saturday, July 05, 2014
Tuesday, June 10, 2014
Need to get this in front of my exec team by EOD Monday so hoping to sync up EOD Sunday.
But I do not ever, EVER miss 98% of what I did, or the people who sent me goat-horned bullshit like this.
8 – Can we get more livestock and wild animals that move along the ground according to their kinds? Again, the passion points for our target users (slide eighteen) are ground and animals that move along the ground. Whatever we can do to increase the amount of ground will go a long way toward converting our users from passive consumers into brand evangelists.
Wednesday, June 04, 2014
This is what a feminist looks like
But so then one night at dinner, Kid Gleemonex, age six, randomly muses, "I love Paw Patrol. But only one of the pups is a girl."
I say, "Yeah -- you noticed that too, huh?"
"Uh-huh," she says, with champion-level eyebrow. Then, sunnily and with an air of utter conviction: "But it's OK. She can fly."
Tuesday, June 03, 2014
It's kind of like the time I forgot how many times they say "fuck" in The Big Lebowski, and by the end of it, I think she wanted to kidnap me and send me to some kind of Goodthinkful Re-Education Camp.
Those HBO GO commercials've got nothing on what it's like when me, my mom, and a televising device are in the same room. I'm fuckin 40 years old, married with two kids, a full-grown well-adjusted liberal feminist, and I still just vibrate with anxiety, waiting for the inevitable -- ahh, yep, there it is, the goddamn couple on House Hunters just made a bedroom joke and wouldn't let it go, repeated it five fuckin times, with variations and lots of awk laughter, while my mom seethes on the couch next to me and I die inside. Thanks guys.
And it's not like I'm safe from this when the TV isn't on, either. We were talking -- just talking! -- about The Americans, which -- FYI -- is one of the most awesome shows on TV, and my mom says she watched "One part of one episode!" -- and guess which one? Guess! Yes, the one where the teenage girl walks in on her parents* "DOING SIXTY-NINE!", Mom half-yells, with more disgust and contempt than Donald Sterling talking about black people. If I could've, I'd've burst into flames and perished right there.
All you people with, like, these healthy adult relationships with your parents specifically w/r/t sexy stuff -- my Shatner, how does that work?
*Who, btw, are married. To each other. Which you would think would blunt the fury somewhat? But, as my mom put it, "They just HELD on that shot! For way longer than anybody needed to understand what was going on! They WANTED us to see that girl's reaction! It was GRATUITOUS!" It ... wasn't gratuitous. There's a ton of sex on this show, plenty of it gratuitous, but this particular scene actually was important to the plot. So.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
And for the entire three years I've been going there, I've suffered a stupid twinge of annoyance whenever my eye falls upon this license plate (I have a longstanding problem with non-witty, non-easily-understood vanity plates). I couldn't figure it out. I thought it was something about "fixies," which apparently is some sort of annoying hipster thing about bicycles? Or ... is it ... an acronym? Should I read it right-to-left? Goddammit.
Today -- TODAY -- I realized: it means FOXY NANA. As in, a grandma who is (still? or perhaps newly?) foxy. And right away -- well, as soon as I got over berating myself for missing it all that time -- my brain said to me, in the Seinfeld voice when he's complaining about the pirate shirt, "But I don't WANNA be a foxy nana!"
I'd like to be -- you know, fit and healthy, and take care of myself, and dress well and have good hair and all, and I hope Mr. Gleemonex still finds me doable forever and ever -- but I don't wanna be chasing "foxy" when I am a grandmother (or of a grandmotherly age). Is there nothing, NOTHING, that we can just let go about our youth? Have some pride! Gosh!
Labels: and if'n I drop I reckon I'll be in motion, balls in YOUR mouth sir, first-world problems, Jesus H. Christ in a sidecar drinking tequila, where is my mind? waaay out there on the water -- see it swimming
Friday, May 23, 2014
California is both the greatest, and the worst.
Why do people think that people who don't eat meat or just don't feel like it today would rather eat a goddamn panful of wet gross zucchini and wrong-textured bell peppers sliding all around over the noodles instead of: CHEESE LASAGNA? The kind that is just like the traditional meat version, but without the meat? It's the same people who, if you say you don't want meat on your pizza, will come back to you with a pizza-like item that is fucking covered with two pounds of broccoli and red onion and (again -- AGAIN -- with this fucking stuff) zucchini. What the fuck is that? I didn't say I wanted a fucking farmer's market on top of some bread, hippie! And listen, don't try to tell me that the vegetable "lasagna" or the Jolly Green Giant "pizza" is healthy, or even "healthier," because it's not -- you already made the decision to eat something that is basically carbs and cheese, so own it, and get that cock-knuckled vegetable shit out of my face.