Thursday, October 23, 2014

ono i drobbed it my gum

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

When we meet again, it won't be me.

I went super-deep down a rabbit hole the other day, putting together a perfect Halloween costume -- I wasn't really planning on dressing up because although it is fun and cool to dress up, the last few Halloweens have been on weekdays and I have young kids and all we do is make a circuit of the cousins' apartment complex, which hardly feels like worth going to any trouble for, but this year we're staying local and going to do our rounds in a neighborhood that I am assured has an AWESOME Halloween scene, so when Kid Gleemonex asked what me and Daddy are going to dress up as, I suffered a spasm of long-buried need to Do Halloween. SO.

Anyway. I wanted to be this, and it is this that I spent the day working on (trolling every website from Zappos to Lands' End, with large amounts of time on eBay, etsy, and LL Bean):


And but then I was double-checking the shoes, and watched the whole scene:

And realized that age wise, I'm much more properly suited to this (although not, in both cases, nearly so striking-looking):

And now I'm wondering if it would in fact verge on the grotesque to try to do my original idea, and anyway if Mr. Gleemonex won't do this (which he hasn't said yes or no yet):

Then what exactly is my deal? New idea ... new idea. Hm.

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Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Little in the middle but she pack much back

This post has nothing to do with the title -- "Baby Got Back" just happened to come on the car radio today, and my kids think "I like big butts and I cannot lie" is the funniest fucking thing in the history of the world. 

Bumper Stickers and/or Car Decals That Bum Me Out: A Selection of Recent Sightings

MITT

NRA Member Since 2012

Got Twins +1?

My Pugs Are Smarter Than Your Honor Student!

[Calvin, down on his knees, praying before a large cross]

JAGERMEISTER

Nader 2000

[license plate] 4WRKGOT

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Friday, October 17, 2014

Also I almost never pass a day without at least one Mitch Hedberg assay flickering across the old brain pan.

Two Unrelated Things

1) It is a rare day that I do not think to myself, "Settle down, Beavis!" Some days I say it out loud, but about 93 percent of the time it stays in my head.

2) When *I* go to BevMo, I come back with the thing or things which I intended to buy there (e.g. a handle of Stolichnaya, an xmas-gift-level bottle of sipping tequila, a sixer of wine for a party, what have you). But when *Mr. Gleemonex* goes there to pick up some Glenlivet, which for some reason has turned both rare and expensive around here (?huh?), he comes back with three bottles of Glenlivet, a twelver of Spaten, a bottle of sake (Wandering Poet label -- which of course, dear Twelve, made me think of the Troubador -- wonder how many times he's been nut-punched over these many years?), some Knob Creek, and a plastic "travel flask." He ... already has a very nice leather-bound flask. So ... I don't know. I like all this stuff, but -- for why is it here?

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Tuesday, September 16, 2014

The "You Pay $8.95" Tax Plan

Due to a strange confluence of circumstances,* I am now a member of more gyms than I have legs.**

The workouts I do at my #1 gym of the moment -- a fancy place -- are part of a fancy-place program of mainly HIIT/Tabata style workouts that kick your ass (and abs, glutes, erector spinae, hip flexors, neck cords and whatnot) in 45 minutes -- I LOVE these sessions, honest to Shatner.  And but so the other day, I went to like a starter Pilates class -- you have to take four before you're allowed into the real Pilates classes that are part of this program -- and encountered the teacher, this totally strange spacey lady, for the first time. She was like what Sybill Trelawney looks like in my mind, if Professor Trelawney weighed 87 pounds and wore loose-fitting yoga duds. She spent 35 minutes on breathing (I wish I were kidding), and the rest on floating judgmental comments into the air, at no one in particular, about "those other workouts" (the ones I like) in which "people abuse their bodies" and how "some people" aren't interested in the "mind-body connection." So I'm lying there, "tightening my pelvic cradle on the exhale" (not a euphemism), thinking GOSH, Judgmental Pilates Lady sure is judgmental!

That's ... all I got for ya, pals.

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*Briefly, it is this: Summer 2011, I join a local bare-bones gym with a childcare area staffed by one of the warmest and most wonderful caregivers I've ever met. Summer 2014, I grow bored enough with treadmills and elliptical machines to seek out other gyms with good GroupX offerings; I find one, via a friend I'd like to see more of anyway, and join up. Three days later, THREE DAYS, I get a response to a weeks-old pitch I'd made, via email, to yet another, fancier gym, in which I proposed that I get to do their new, fancy, expensive workout program for free in exchange for blogging about it. I never thought in a million years that they'd accept this pitch -- but it was a damn good 'un, and I guess they felt the same, so until I get those other memberships canceled or suspended (which I think takes an Act Of Congress? I've petitioned Nancy Pelosi, haven't heard back, she must be busy), I'm a member of three (3) gyms. 

**MICK! That one was for you! Dave Barry's greatness will never fade! I've recently rediscovered him, because a copy of Dave Barry's Greatest Hits that I picked up for 50 cents at the Friends of the Library Sale is what I read, most nights, sitting on my daughter's bed trying not to lose my shit absolutely while my daughter faffs around NOT getting ready for bed. 

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Thursday, August 28, 2014

"And I HATE SQUASH!"

Ethan Hawke is a known Turbo-Quattro Dickcheese, yes? Like, in every possible real-life way, right? So it's easy to forget how goddamn good an actor he is. But: He is.

We just saw Boyhood last weekend, 100% because of Richard Linklater, and oh you guys, it was so so so good. Nearly a week later and I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. So many scenes are stuck in my head, so many feelings still being felt -- GOSH it was something. And but so all of the actors were completely ace, but special mention for Hawke because of what Roger Ebert's Bigger Little Movie Glossary called the "Pentimento Paradigm." TQD Hawke is so good that you actually forget how awful a person he is, and that's talent (grudgingly acknowledged), y'all.

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Pentimento Paradigm: Pentimento is when images from an old painting seep through and become visible in a newer picture that has been painted over the old. Thus the relation is when what we know about a filmmaker or actor seeps into our perception of his film work. Example: Any old Rock Hudson movie now that his private life is no longer private. Being aware of the reality behind the fiction may add to the complexity of the drama (Taylor and Burton in Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?) or distract from its intentions (Woody and Mia in Husbands and Wives).

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Friday, August 15, 2014

Kurt would've wanted it this way.

I already know that the gals' clothing section at Target looks like the infinite version of most everybody's closets from Cowburg High School, c. 1990 right now. And it is mostly amusing -- sometimes in a bitch, please kind of way, sometimes in an ... ahh, youth kind of way. But that still does not prepare me for the sad trombone of the heart that happened when I saw a Nirvana 90 album-cover print on a poly-blend, made-in-some-third-world-hellhole sleep T-shirt in the lingerie section.* I mean ... I know what they're doing, which is figuring out that Gen X has money (and nostalgia issues) and that the Kids Today might like to represent the oldies. But -- it's just -- ugh. It was right there, staring out at me, and -- injustice on top of injustice -- on the same rack with that awful tattooed Sublime cover and a fucking KISS one. Ugh. Boooooo!

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*which I am just passing by -- I've learned my lesson about cheap bras and underpantalones.

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