Here's how come I can't watch TV with my mom: Because no matter what show, movie, miniseries, or Spectacular Television Event it is, which is either on randomly or has been specifically selected by me to be Mom-Safe Viewing(TM)
-- Bubble Guppies, Psych
, a Yankees game, The Brady Bunch
, an infomercial about coin collecting, Antiques Roadshow
, what have you -- it's going to be The One With All the Sex. Guaranteed.
Those HBO GO commercials've
got nothing on what it's like when me, my mom, and a televising device are in the same room. I'm fuckin 40 years old, married with two kids, a full-grown well-adjusted liberal feminist, and I still just vibrate with anxiety, waiting for the inevitable -- ahh, yep, there it is, the goddamn couple on House Hunters
just made a bedroom joke and wouldn't let it go, repeated it five fuckin times, with variations and lots of awk laughter, while my mom seethes on the couch next to me and I die inside. Thanks guys.
And it's not like I'm safe from this when the TV isn't on, either. We were talking -- just talking! -- about The Americans
, which -- FYI -- is one of the most awesome shows on TV, and my mom says she watched "One
part of one
episode!" -- and guess which one? Guess! Yes, the one where the teenage girl walks in on her parents* "DOING SIXTY-NINE
!", Mom half-yells, with more disgust and contempt than Donald Sterling talking about black people. If I could've, I'd've burst into flames and perished right there.
All you people with, like, these healthy adult relationships with your parents specifically w/r/t sexy stuff -- my Shatner, how does that work?
*Who, btw, are married. To each other. Which you would think would blunt the fury somewhat? But, as my mom put it, "They just HELD on that shot! For way longer than anybody needed to understand what was going on! They WANTED us to see that girl's reaction! It was GRATUITOUS!" It ... wasn't gratuitous. There's a ton of sex on this show, plenty of it gratuitous, but this particular scene actually was important to the plot. So.
Labels: balls in YOUR mouth sir, demoralizing confessions, Jesus H. Christ in a sidecar drinking tequila, the horror ... the horror, way too old for this kind of shit anymore