"Oh, and uh, Mitch, Carl ..."

Some Actors Who, No Matter What Else They Do In Life Or In Their Careers, Will Always Have A Special Place In My Heart. And Why.

Ashton Kutcher: Dude, Where’s My Car? This guy is almost more retarded than Keanu Reeves, and never was as good looking, and what is the DEAL with his life, but: “Yeah, yeah, its mystery is exceeded only by its power.” “What does mine say?” “Dude.” “Heh. What does mine say?” “Sweet.” “Heh. What does mine say?” “DUDE.” “Heh. What does mine say?” “SWEET. WHAT DOES MINE SAY?” “DUDE! WHAT. DOES. MINE. SAY?” “SA-WEE-TAH! WHAT DOES MINE SAY?”

David Krumholtz: Slums of Beverly Hills. Mr. Gleemonex and I actually call him “Luck Be A Lady.” If you ever saw this movie, and his bong-hit-fueled, tighty-whities-only a cappella performance of that song, you’d still have a season pass for the laughable idiocy that is NUM3ERS, too.

Ben Affleck: Dazed & Confused. “Y’all ready to kick some ass?” “Y’all hear some kid’s mom pulled a shotgun on my ass?” “Hoooo-eeee, ducks on a pond!” “Y’all are a disgrace … to the sport of pool … and y’should be proud … that I even let y’play … at my table.” I could go on. In fact, I am. I’m just going to stop typing it now, is all.

Jennifer Aniston: Office Space. Well, I know Lumbergh fucked ‘er.

Kevin Corrigan: Slums of Beverly Hills (“You know, you’re not supposed to wear a bra with those.”), Grounded for Life. (“I know about … seventy-five guys.”)

Brad Pitt. True Romance. I cannot look at him without thinking of the honey bear bong, and his request for some cleaning products. That’s how Mr. Gleemonex and I say it, when a cleaning product must be bought for the Gleemonex household. And now you will too!

Jennifer Connelly: Labyrinth. There’s something weird and harsh about her now, and I don’t really buy whatever she’s selling, but as the grumpy, dramatic, put-upon teenager getting totally owned by David Bowie, she’s gold.

Nicolas Cage, Honeymoon in Vegas. If the Fiveheaded One himself, Las Vegas, Hawaii, or flying Elvises, or even Jimmy Caan cross my mind, I’m pretty much guaranteed to start hollering “Is that Kapa-a-ah, or Kapa-a-a-AAAHHH?”