Monday, March 02, 2009

Well, I know LUMBERGH fucked 'er.

Oh Shatner, you guys, get your vomit buckets out, cause I’m about to defend Jennifer Aniston.

Hardly a day passes that I don’t see a cheap-looking magazine cover or a Yahoo homepage feature with her cute, brave, tragic, sassy face on it, and no matter what else is going on in her life – fucking that douche John Mayer, or that even bigger douche Vince Vaughan, or starring in yet another stupid-ass unfunny feminism-negating “romantic” “comedy” or whatever – the story is ALWAYS about how, this one time? She used to be married to Brad Pitt (see, he’s really famous), and everybody wanted them to have a baby but for whatever reason (who knows, maybe she didn’t fucking want to?? Anybody ever think of that?) they never did, and then Brad Pitt (famous, handsome dude) starred in a movie with Angelina “Homewrecking Incestuous Mad-Crazy-Hottie” Jolie and yada yada yada Miss Aniston found herself divorced (and alone, OH THE HUMANITY) while the two happy adulterers adopt half the favela children of Brasil or whatever and then start replicating their own ridonculously pulchritudinous DNA like they’re the godless heathen bizarro-world Duggars.

Internets, that shit happened like TEN GODDAMN YEARS AGO. If people were still asking YOU about the hot guy you used to date back in the day, YEARS LATER, would you not find it justifiable to just go fucking apeshit on them? Cause I sure would. It’s like, the whole story of this woman and her entire life is how she got cheated on and then divorced, and her ex took up with some other famous woman and now you all gotta elbow each other off the cover of US Weekly and none of the three of you can ever talk about anything else, especially not YOU, and every interviewer’s first and last and only question of you is something about that whole fucked-up situation. Aniston could cure cancer and end all war, and they’d still be all, “So. Have you ever met Brad’s children? Do you ever think you’ll speak with Angie? How painful was it, exactly, when you found out they were fucking?”

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4 Comments:

Blogger Panda!!!! said...

Can we, for a moment, consider that Brad dated Gwyneth Paltrow, Aniston, then Angelina? I'm not sure what the common thread is there.

Anyway, yes, let Aniston move on. I'd rather know about her dad, who was brilliant in his portrayal of Victor Kiriakis on Days of Our Lives.

12:54 PM  
Blogger francine said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

5:49 PM  
Blogger francine said...

you know, if JA ran around trying to get her face in every magazine a la heidi and spencer (WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THOSE GUYS, ANYWAY? AM I RIGHT?), i could justify reporters trying to belittle her in interviews and funny photo captions in gossip rags BUT she doesn't and the whole thing is entirely too much old news and why can't we all just focus on tearing down miley cyrus for a while? now THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT PEOPLE.

5:51 PM  
Blogger bgirl said...

I'm guessing that the reason people are still buying these magazines is because if a hottie like Jen can get two-timed, then maybe the fact that their beergut shitforbrains husband is screwing their next door neighbor doesn't hurt as bad?

Possibly my most inarticulate and grammatically incorrect sentance, ever. But you get what I mean...some people NEED the pretty girl to get screwed over.

1:28 PM  

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