Sunday, February 22, 2009

I am not going to put $280 worth of clothes on a 14-month-old and nothing you can say will change that.

Internets, this week I received via the USPS the first issue of a free subscription to Cookie, a magazine targeted with laserlike precision directly at persons of my age, gender, ethnicity, sexual orientation, education level, household income, and marital and procreative status.

So I read it, because hey, free magazine! And with a toddler around, I can always use some reading material that I can pick up and put down whenever -- the meaty stuff has to wait for my bus commute or after she goes to bed.

But you guys, this magazine? It's obnoxious. For reals.

They don't just do the "veggies" and "let's face it" cutesiness that riddles my other free-subscription magazine nemesis, Parents. They compound that kind of verbal ass-chappery with editorial gushing over $120 skinny jeans for 8-year-olds (who are almost always named Ava or Tallulah) and $725 blazers for mom -- actual blurb: "The slinky double-breaster* gets a modern makeover (read: no shoulder pads) from a designer known for clean but edgy lines" -- and relentless, relentless use of certain phrasings and constructions** that I know are meant to convey a breezy, confident, harmlessly wry girlfriend-to-girlfriend air of intimacy and zazz. I can just hear the editors talking about wanting a punchier feel, making this or that sentence "pop," adding in stuff that's "young" and "fun." Hooorrraaaaaaaaaaaaauuugh.

It kills me because it's so cheap and facile and lazy, this way of writing -- it's like how, at my previous employer, we bought a few stock images to accompany stories, and used and reused and re-re-re-reused them year after year ... *** And these fucking tics are just annoying, repeated so often -- why "get" when you can "grab," or "put" when you can "toss"? Ha ha, isn't motherhood chaotic! But fun! O yes. Especially when you are in your mid-thirties and sassy and have money and are white and probably have heard most of these expressions and phrasings before but have no idea what their root meaning is! Attitude! Style! Channel your inner _____! Hang stuff on your four-year-old's wall with Blu-Tack, you awesome quirky design-maven motherfuckers, "until the next bout of artistic inspiration strikes!"

Ugh, seriously. Makes me want to BURN BUILDINGS DOWN.

---------------------------------
*Heh.
**e.g.: "read: xxxxxx," which maybe once was smartassery but is now beyond boring cliche.
***I was there five years, and they're still using some of the same goddamned thumbnails on the website TODAY, five years after I left.

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4 Comments:

Blogger Nobes said...

You're right. The less clothes on children the better.



No, I'm not going to be on some "To catch a predator" watchlist now.

9:26 AM  
Blogger francine said...

i hope my children won't mind wearing cabbage patch kids clothing. sorry hildegarde elizabeth, my 5 year old needs both your overalls and your headgear.

10:39 AM  
Blogger bgirl said...

Grab your parents' old fondue set and have a retro-chic playdate in the rumpus room! Your girlfriends will declare you the "heppest" cat in town!

And your children will be burned by hot molten cheese.

6:49 AM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Haaaaaaaaaaa!

8:10 AM  

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