A Few Things I Am Really, Super Good At
--Knowing what a baked good’s icing will taste like, just by looking at it.
--Figuring out where I’ve seen an actor or actress before, sans IMDB (NB: Sometimes this will take me all night, or wake me at 4:00 a.m., and it’s capable of taking me completely out of whatever I’m currently watching, no matter how interesting; I imagine that it is quite annoying to Mr. Gleemonex, but I can no more stop it than I can stop the tide of suck pouring from Gwyneth Paltrow’s mouth.)
--Croutons.
--Calling people by anything but their real names. Sometimes for fun, sometimes to deliberately fuck with them (there was a kid in college I called “Billy” all four years, knowing it wasn’t his name, not caring, and being HIGHLY AMUSED by the fact that he seemed to hate and fear me for it). I give myself bonus points for convincing other people to use whatever name I've assigned a person, too. I'm pretty much totally winning this one.
--Finding stuff in the jumbled-ass, overfull, crazy-annoying kitchen drawer that holds all our mixing/stirring/measuring/serving/misc. implements.
--Roulette.
--Coming up with plans for what I would say to famous people if I ever met them. For instance, you can’t tell Paul Rudd “I loved you in Knocked Up!” because duh, everybody’s seen that. You have to holler “No fatties!” like right in his face, because he told an extended anecdote involving that phrase on the Daily Show once like eight years ago and it was fucking AWESOME. On the other hand, you can’t allow a douchebag like Scarlett Johanssen to sashay past you in her hi-waist jeans unmolested, so you’d have to come up with a plan for that -- I'll let you know when I have finalized mine, but fyi, it involves pretending not to know who she is, and then maybe some sort of crack about Woody Allen's dick.
--Figuring out where I’ve seen an actor or actress before, sans IMDB (NB: Sometimes this will take me all night, or wake me at 4:00 a.m., and it’s capable of taking me completely out of whatever I’m currently watching, no matter how interesting; I imagine that it is quite annoying to Mr. Gleemonex, but I can no more stop it than I can stop the tide of suck pouring from Gwyneth Paltrow’s mouth.)
--Croutons.
--Calling people by anything but their real names. Sometimes for fun, sometimes to deliberately fuck with them (there was a kid in college I called “Billy” all four years, knowing it wasn’t his name, not caring, and being HIGHLY AMUSED by the fact that he seemed to hate and fear me for it). I give myself bonus points for convincing other people to use whatever name I've assigned a person, too. I'm pretty much totally winning this one.
--Finding stuff in the jumbled-ass, overfull, crazy-annoying kitchen drawer that holds all our mixing/stirring/measuring/serving/misc. implements.
--Roulette.
--Coming up with plans for what I would say to famous people if I ever met them. For instance, you can’t tell Paul Rudd “I loved you in Knocked Up!” because duh, everybody’s seen that. You have to holler “No fatties!” like right in his face, because he told an extended anecdote involving that phrase on the Daily Show once like eight years ago and it was fucking AWESOME. On the other hand, you can’t allow a douchebag like Scarlett Johanssen to sashay past you in her hi-waist jeans unmolested, so you’d have to come up with a plan for that -- I'll let you know when I have finalized mine, but fyi, it involves pretending not to know who she is, and then maybe some sort of crack about Woody Allen's dick.
Labels: balls in YOUR mouth sir, douchebaggery, half a dozen awesome, I really am sort of an asshole sometimes, rando, that's what your mom said
posted by Gleemonex at 11:16 AM
10 Comments:
Regarding What to say to Famous People: what would you prescribe for Jennifer Coolidge, as I may be needing this information soon?
If you honestly hate Scarlett as much as I do, my love for you is complete.
Unfortunately, the chick is my age and considered a good actor. Which means I'm going to miss watching an awful lot of good movies. Oh well.
Jory: Ask her if she likes soup, and the outdoors.
Apostate: I hear ya. BOY do I hear ya.
in high school i nicknamed a kid after a murphy brown character. not surprisingly, he did not appreciate it.
It was on Jon Stewart not Conan. (Getting tourists to come back to NYC after 9/11 by giving them piggyback rides)
Oh, riiiiight! OK, will correct -- thanks, Mr. G. :-)
What is UP with Scarlett Johansson? In the past two days I watched Match Point and He's Just Not That Into You (don't ask) and she was so painful to watch in both of them.
She's all T&A and washed-out white-face-into-white-hair, with a punch of RED lips. Grody.
So esplain to me puhleez how one can be super good at croutons? Is that the making or eating of them?
Both, Karla! I have developed a technique for the making of croutes, and they are AWESOME, and also I could win a crouton-eating contest even against those Japanese guys that win hot-dog-eating contests. I consider salads basically crouton-and-dressing delivery vehicles, so this is how we come to such a pass.
I am just jealous of Scarlet. I want to fuck Ryan Reynolds and weigh 180lbs doing it! Oh and make more than minimum wage. Sometimes life is NOT fair.
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