Thursday, August 06, 2009

"This corn is RAW!" "I know -- can't you just TASTE the vitamins?"

Rich kids – or, rather, the children of rich/well-off parents – are Special.

How special? Well, they’re apparently so special that they “can’t” eat a lot of foods the rest of kiddom can eat. I know this because I receive a magazine each month, free of charge, which in the current issue contains the information that 46% of this magazine’s readers’ children have food allergies.

Forty-six percent. Are you fucking kidding me?

Allergies. Allergies are bullshit. Made-up white-person bullshit.

When you were growing up, maybe there was that kid who got hives when he ate strawberries, or the other kid who had to go to the hospital when he ate a peanut, but those instances were few and far between, am I right? Like freakishly rare. Because genuine allergic reactions to food or food ingredients ARE UNCOMMON.

Unless your kid breaks out in welts or starts gasping like a goldfish extracted by the cat and flopping on the counter, he/she doesn’t have any fucking food allergies. That’s just something you made up so you can mince into the precious birthday party of your playgroup mom-friend’s kid and start making demands for special treatment – “Oh, lemonade?” [slight, judgmental head tilt] “Sadie-Tallulah is allergic to lemons, sugar, water and the wax on paper cups. She needs 100% pure organic pomegranate juice, and I think it goes without saying that it has to be served out of a glass glass – plastic reacts with her skin, she’s so so delicate, you understand.”

Ugh. Go lick a used flyswatter. Forty-six percent, my ass.

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12 Comments:

Blogger betsyhv said...

Ohhhh, this is how I feel about all my friends who are suddenly getting their thyroids checked. You know, maybe you're gaining weight and tired because you're in your mid-30s, not because of a medical condition. It's nothing to be ashamed of, dude.

Cookie, man. It's almost as bad as GOOP.

1:43 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

GOOP! Oh jeez. That reminds me:

"Remember when you were in college, and you had a friend who spent junior year in Florence, and then she greeted people by kissing them on both cheeks for the first four days of senior year? Gwyneth Paltrow is that girl in those four days, forever."
--Dave Holmes
http://daveholmes.tumblr.com/post/134239131

2:28 PM  
Blogger Juicy J said...

This post is amazing. When I have kids I am going to treat them like wild forest chillruhns. They can eat whatever they want and play with poop for all I care. I'm not buying into any of this allergy/anti germ bullshit.

Then again, I will be really drunk most (all) of the time, so I wont be much of a parenting example.

2:47 PM  
Blogger francine said...

HAHAHAHA i can't get past the dave holmes quote!

3:28 PM  
Blogger bgirl said...

beautiful, Glee.

6:55 AM  
Blogger alyce said...

I volunteer at a school. A prospective parent indicated "allergy" of high fructoce corn syrup. I say, if you can't spell it, then it's bullshit. Fructose, you eeejit.

11:50 AM  
Blogger Panda!!!! said...

These girls have names like Madison and Makynli, right?

2:29 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Glee, ran across this and thought you'd think it was the coolest thing ever, and you'd be extra jealous.

http://wellknowwhenwegetthere.blogspot.com/2009/08/sincerely-john-hughes.html?fark

2:53 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Whoa!!! Way, way cool. Thanks!

4:18 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

So, are you jealous of the random girl with the Breakfast Club sticker connect? I've always wanted to make a girl with a Texas tattoo jealous, and if I have to do it vicariously through John Hughes semi-stalkers then that'll work.

But seriously, I read that article thinking the author was mimicking Glee's style. Apparently, the actual pen pal relationship between John Hughes and the girl existed; where as, the first couple of paragraphs made me think it was fake, along the lines of the "Hey. Mr. Internet" posts.

In summation, when I read that article I thought, "this could be on Glee's blog, and it could all be fake." But, it turns out to be real. And I bet your [sic] super-jealous.

Oh yeah, "Who is Keyser Soze".

--wikipedia can be a killjoy

1:55 AM  
Anonymous Chainsaw said...

Yeah, allergies are "made-up bullshit". So is racism - the reality is that the good ones win and the bad ones lose and they all deserve it, right?

Wait until you fucking LOSE a kid to an "allergy" that the food industry SAYS isn't supposed to exist, but exists in FACT before shooting your ignorant mouth off - look at the HOSPITAL ADMISSIONS for life-threatening children's allergies, and the DEATHS. There is, indeed, a hell of a lot of LIFE-THREATENING allergies that didn't exist, say, fifty years ago.

Yer right in that the didn't used to exist. Yer wrong in that they do in reality. Respect is mutual, and if one of these anti-allergy true believers was feeding MY child, I'd sue them into homelessness.

Like this person: "I volunteer at a school. A prospective parent indicated "allergy" of high fructoce corn syrup. I say, if you can't spell it, then it's bullshit. Fructose, you eeejit."

We all know how utterly brilliant and insightful people are who feel a desperate need to correct others' spelling when the other just trumped them with a major intellectual or moral point - someone this aggressive and stupid has no business whatsoever fucking with anyone else's kids, EVER.

And what is it in general with the kind of scumbag that thinks "I was fucked over as a kid, and I still survived, therefore I have a right to fuck over every kid I encounter in the same way I was fucked over."? In a healthy society, they'd all be regarded as molesters - we wouldn't be so specific as to sex or not - and they'd be treated appropriately (i.e. isolated from humanity for the rest of their natural lives)

7:28 AM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Hold up there, Tex. I made the distinction between real allergies -- which do exist and which can threaten or end a person's life -- and the kind of made-up bullshit people of a certain socioeconomic set is used to bandying about. I even checked myself (lest, of course, I wreck myself), and nope -- still pretty fuckin sure 46% of well-doctored obsessively-coddled American children do not actually have genuine food allergies.

And finally: No reader of this here blog would deliberately ignore a parent's directives about foods to be avoided because of (real or imagined) allergies.

Well, Spanish Johnny might. He's a right bastard.

9:19 PM  

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