Just wait till YOU need a favor from Ferris!

Note to self: When you see a handful of very clean, bright-eyed white late-teen/early-twenties semi-hipsters dealing out brand-name chewy granola bars + engaging, friendly grins before 9:00 a.m. on Market street in San Francisco, California, your assumption should be that the little cards accompanying the free granola treats are Jesus-related, not granola-bar-coupon related. For shame, eager consumer, for shame. Clean people don't just hand you free stuff in San Francisco. There's always a catch.

Witness Exhibit A: My 8th Grade science project - a working rain forest. Mike Dexter threw it out a third story window. It rains here no more.

Internets: What up, Gleemonex?

Gleemonex: Not much. You?

Internets: Eh, just laughing my ass off at that awesome video of that walking advertisement for abortion, your former president George W. Bush, wiping his hand on Bill Clinton's shirt after he shook hands with a black person.

Gleemonex: OMFG, right?

Internets: I know -- how you guys STOOD that vile swine shitting all over the White House for eight years --

Gleemonex: Let's please just not fucking talk about it, OK?

Internets: OK -- suits me just fine. [ptui] So actually, I was gonna ask -- any idea why the nutbags in the Olde Hometowne didn't get their "OMG OBAMA IS HITLAR WE'RE ALL GONNA BE DETH PANELED BY TEH GAYS AND TEH MEXICANS STEELIN OUR HEALTHCARES" letters in the midweek edition of the Bugle-Noisemaker?

Gleemonex: No! I know -- I'm surprised too! That shit happened on Sunday (and by the way, FUCK YEAH OBAMA!!!) -- you'd think they'd have some ignorant-ass shit to say by the pub deadline on Monday, right?

Internets: Like a fill-in-the-blanks Dumbass Ignorant Racist Fucktard LTTE Form No. 534(b)?

Gleemonex: Yeah -- with, of course, the Christianist Hate-Sentence Generator rider, Schedule 1143(div).

Internets: Well, maybe they were just busy clearing a path to their front doors for the Rapture. I'm sure Sunday's edition'll be a doozy.

Gleemonex: I am very, very much looking forward to that.

Internets: Heh. Me too.

I'm British and charming, and she's got... angles... that work for her

I have a regular conference call that involves primarily a team in London, and every time I am on it, I picture them wanting to shoot themselves directly in the face with fucking bazookas. They’re so polite, and they do such good work, but OMG, our stateside team is A) aggressively, unstoppably biz-speaky [that's kind of just how my profession rolls] and B) prone to chasing down shiny things like a toddler on a goddamn 40-easter-basket sugar high -- I can actually feel the transatlantic frustration and annoyance beaming from the satellite into my ears. This one guy, in particular, always sounds like he might start weeping from the despair of it – I mean, he’s there, in his office, at 9:30 at night, wading through the recursive and elliptical fragments of our end of these eternal discussions of what I’m sure he could reasonably expect would be fairly direct matters (“in terms of … from a ____ perspective … have a conversation around that … as we put together that piece of it … share knowledge on that … and then maybe when we figure out what that looks like … if we could talk about next steps … as we think about where we are in the project …”). I get the feeling he’s going to sign off in his gentle British way at the end of the call and then set the fucking hallway carpet on fire.

Or maybe I’m projecting.

Now thank we all our god

It is the 79th anniversary of the earthly corporeal presence of the One True Deity, the Almighty and Most Holy, He Whose Hand Is Upon The Wheel of Destiny: SHATNER!

Look ye all, look ye all and be lifted in His righteousness!

Tofutti Klein

Shit that has GOT to STOP:

So J. Lo thinks she can remake Overboard.

J. Lo is an asshole.

So are the people who have remade Clash of the Titans, and anyone involved in the remakes of Top Gun [oh dear], Weird Science, et fucking cetera.

But not because the originals are so awesome that they shouldn’t be tampered with – just the opposite. Well, some of them are (Red Dawn*, 9 to 5, Footloose, Karate Kid shut up and get your damn hands off it WILL SMITH). But most of them, it’s precisely because they are sofa king bad that they are beyond perfect. People of my generation have seen these flicks hundreds of times – they’re so lightweight, so stupid, so D-U-M dumb – that they complete the full circle around and become GENIUS.

Holy Played-Out Shit-Licking Bug-Eyed Anti-Shatner, Hollywood: GET A NEW GODDAMNED IDEA. Just one. New. Fucking. Idea. Don’t the kids of today deserve a couple dozen dumbshit movies they can watch a million times over the summer and still quote when they’re 36? GOD.

*cracked.com says “The original Red Dawn populated its cast with all the big teen celebrities of its day, which means there's at least a half chance we'll get a Red Dawn featuring some High School Musical bastards and at least two Jonas brothers.” Stand back, protect your shoes, Internets – I’m gonna hurl.

Further proof we are two of a kind

A commercial for the DVD of Couples Retreat flits past in fast-forward.

Me: Question. You have a choice: Watch that movie -- no drugs, no alcohol, nothing, just straight-up watch the fuckin thing -- or take a swift hard kick to the nads.

Mr. Gleemonex, assuredly and without hesitation: Oh, I'm takin the kick in the balls.

Ponce de Leon / constantly on

I been at work for over three hours already, that's FIVE IN THE A.M. motherfuckers, because of shit that is a complete beatdown to talk about but is over and was quite successful so yay me and also now I have the moral superiority of FIVE IN THE A.M. you lazy assed sleepin-in motherfuckers who I work with. Also maybe I am A Crazy this morning, see above.

But so it's been very productive except for a brief detour down a few magical roads on the Internets (I should say tubes, since the Internets is a series of tubes), all of which -- as is often the case -- began with the delightful Sarah Brown. So in that spirit, I share with you some nuggets. From the tubes.

Peach Pit After Dark
Now look at Brandon's nerd hair. And denim on denim? This is why everyone hated you, Brandon. That and your self righteousness that nearly killed everyone. No, really. Kelly was shot because of you. You're like the worst parts of Jack and Kate (from Lost) combined. You have Jack's need to be a hero and you have Kate's abilities to ruin everything all the time.

Dealbreaker indeed
You don't like the Beatles
I don’t … I can’t … do you … what the … how can you … I just … but they … I mean, all music … it’s just that … okay, so … no, wait … okay, so you’re saying … no, I don’t really … I don’t see how … alright, but if … so the thing is … but … can’t … form … sentences … too … confused.

Also: Good NIGHT, Miley -- stand up straight or get a different dress.

PMFSA Spontaneously Generated In My Brain While Watching the Oscars (I Know It's Late for an Oscar Post, SHUT UP):

Celebrities, former humans, people of the world: We all have HDTV now. WE CAN SEE YOUR WEIRD STUPID COSMETIC SURGERY. Really, really well, in astonishing detail. Each odd decision, each snip, each tug, each "re-envisioning" of what used to be your face -- it's all terrifically obvious, and horrifying. You don't look any younger, ANY OF YOU. Not one minute, let alone twenty-seven years younger. You just look bizarre, and pathetic, and cartoony -- you're like that Octomom gal, getting cut to look like someone famous and winding up just barely this side of outright ghoulish. Please stop -- please. PLEASE. You're making us sick.

Among a pile of photos of Lab Partner smoking cigs, a copy of my grad speech, and various academic medals

Proof That I Was an Even Bigger Dumbass Than I Knew Myself To Be: Something That I Typed Sometime In 1988, For Reasons Unknown and At This Point Unknowable

Why I want to graduate a year early

1. Because I don't think I can make it another three and a half years in this high school. I think I'm losing my mind.
2. Because I want to have a year to rest before college.
3. Because I feel like I'm wasting my time here.
4. Because I could use my extra year to work and save money for college.

Why I don't want to graduate a year early

1. Because I want to graduate with my class.
2. Because I don't like the class a year ahead of me.
3. Because I would probably grow apart from my friends.
4. Because everyone would think I was a snobby showoff.
5. Because I'm scared that I won't be able to keep my grades up with such a heavy courseload.

These are all really important to me. I do want to graduate with my class, go on our senior trip, and stuff like that, and I hate the sophomore class as a whole. But I am very serious about feeling that I am losing my mind, thinking of the three and a half years left to go and the feeling that I am wasting my time here. I'm so burned out on tan walls, gross lunches, useless classes, boredom, the whole routine of things. It's really depressing me. I have nothing to do. I need to get out.

So like I started to say on Twitter, then realized I needed to expand just a bit: I don't begrudge anyone their understanding of or belief in whatever god. As a former churchgirl and current/longtime secular humanist agnostic, I don't get it -- but I'm inclined to leave it be, so long as it doesn't encroach on me and my (or anyone else's) personal liberties. The problem is, of course, that other people's goddiness does often encroach, and those are rants for another day.

Today, they don't so much encroach as annoy the living rational thinking-brained FUCK out of me. Because when a person suffers a traumatic and life-threatening cardiac event, then has his or her life saved by doctors and nurses trained in a very specific kind of science -- a science arrived at via centuries of relentless methodical inquiry, experimentation, and vast leaps of technology thought up and developed by human minds unwilling to accept prayer as the ultimate and only cure for what ails a mortal human body -- well. When that happens, I don't really be wanting to hear about how it was Jesus who did the saving.

Drive-by

People I Am Just Pretty Goddamn Sick of Right Now

--Meg Whitman. Get off my fucking TV, you she-beast!

--Bill Henrickson. Fictional and majorly dick-tional. I wouldn't follow you to the Seven-Eleven, much less to eternity. Is there anything you don't fuck up?

--The people who set prices at airlines. Look, it's not my fault I have to get to Texass, stat. Why's it gotta cost me nine hundred fucking bucks? NINE HUNDRED DOLLARS BITCH.

On a related note: HEY KIDS. DON'T FUCKING SMOKE.