Wednesday, November 28, 2012

And then one day Sheldon says to me, "You never wear Sunday." It was all suspicious. Where was Sunday? Where had I left Sunday?

Wayyyyyyy late as always, but here we are.

Some Things That Happened At, Around, or During My 20-Year High School Reunion

Remember, my class was only 101 students, most of whom went through the entire 13 years K-12 together, and many of whom still live in our hometown ...

--The time for prep having slipped away in the course of daily life and then interstate travel, I went to the pumpkin patch thing with unwashed hair, a shirt that did not go with the only pair of shorts I brought which I had to wear because it was almost ninety fucking degrees in October, and sandals with not even the barest attempt at the pedicurical arts. And you know what? That was OK. Ten years ago I would have died rather than show up like that; this time, it was not even a thing. Growing up! I can do it!

--A classmate told me she had my name on her baby name shortlist each of the three times she was pregnant, because "You're smart and pretty, and that's what I wanted for my girls." It was honestly one of the sweetest things anyone ever said to me.

--I talked olden tymes with one of the former hotties of the class, with whom I was pretty good friends in the last couple of years of HS in a casual way, and whose ass I kept from FAILING ART sophomore year (we had to do a team project, I did 100% of it and let him stand with me at the presentation to the class, and "our" mutual A put him just barely over the line), for like ten solid minutes -- and then he goes, "So -- I'm sorry -- I didn't catch your name -- who are you again?" The other former hottie (and I mean, both these dudes were FORMER hotties, lordamercy, time is not always kind) in our convo triangle almost fainted, then started laughing his ass off -- "DUDE! It's [Gleemonex]! How can you not know that? She looks EXACTLY THE SAME, BRO!" All night this second guy kept coming up to me going, "Ahh yeah, who are you again?" and laughing more. It was hilaaare! (Really it was -- and it kept getting funnier the more beer we drank.)

--This one guy, after a really good conversation and him telling me about his family -- four kids, two adopted siblings plus one "mini-me" and one profoundly special-needs child -- almost assaulted me for saying I'm voting for Obama (again). I swear he wanted to punch me.

--Among the bathroom reading in Ma Gleemonex's house, where we were obvs. staying, was a very slickly-produced, high-end, Martha Stewart Living-looking magazine called life:beautiful. Only it was like -- bizarro-world Martha. Cause it was Christian -- and y'all, the Christians are not well-known for their design sense and production values (OMFS, the clip art, the default fonts, the lack of proofreading in the average Christian media item ... ). So it looks like Real Simple or something, and there's these ... these  articles ... like the one about "pro-life films" (reviews, summaries, guidelines for doing a movie nite at your church and how to talk about abortion when there might even be some babykilling sluts in the audience that you don't even know about!), tips for DIY "backyard Bible clubs" (basically VBS but in some lady's yard instead of church, and presented as a way to get the unchurched neighborhood mini-heathens into the christing lifestyle, which I swear to Shatner if anybody recruited my kid into something like that without my consent, I'd burn their fucking house down), recipes for "fun" summer snacky cakes and cheesy poofs (suggested accompaniments: lemonade, peach tea, lime fizz ... ugh, teetotalers), that sort of thing. Despite my utter repugnance, I was fascinated -- could not put this horrible sneaky thing down. I'm haunted by it still.

--We drank actual alcohol, legally, at a restaurant that is inside the town limits! Holy shit! That might have been the most bizarro thing of all, come to think of it.

--I had fun. And I think even Mr. Gleemonex -- the tallest, slimmest, most handsome of all the husbands -- didn't hate every single minute of his life those few days. Although he is still prone to occasional reminders that I "owe him, big time." Which is true. :-)

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Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Don't do me like that

Hhhhhooohhhhhhhhly shitballs was that crazy. Are y'all doin like I am, just kind of walking around in a daze of relief and eye-blinky random giggling? Do you just have so much more time on your hands now that all your political tumblrs have slowed down for a little bit? Faaaaaaaaaahhhhck. Whew. Jesus.

I mean -- Internets, I was all set to cancel my fam's trip to Texass over Xmas. No offense, Francine (BTW how come I can't see your blog anymore? No love? Invite me, invite me!) -- but the day before this hallucinatory bogmonster shitshow of an election, I was like, If that fucking motherfucker shitweasel assclown wins there's no way I'm going to that redneck backwater piss-head state ever again. They're not getting a GODDAMNED DIME of my godless homo commie librul fascist money and they can fucking SUCK A DICK. My family wants to see me, they can get on a GODDAMNED PLANE and come to CALI-FUCKING-FORNIA where I am FUCKING STAYING FOREVER. 

It was violent inside my head, I'm telling you.

And now it's all snickerdoodles and bookstores and things will be Okey-Dokey, y'all. Thank Shatner, whom I never doubted for an instant.

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Monday, November 05, 2012

One millisecond of brilliant light, and we're vaporized!

A few things I'm pretty much gonna be doing all the time now: 

--Staring at -- no, gazing in rapturous wonder at -- our new windows. We're in the middle of replacing the flimsy, gappy, craptacular ones that were part of the original 1971 install at our house, and y'all ... I never knew how much I could love a window. I thought this was about energy efficiency and such. But. They have trim! They're clear! And so quiet that they make me feel like the silent-drape-runner-obsessed chick on Twin Peaks! It looks like people live in this house now!

--Adding a shit-ton of Old Bay seasoning to everything but desserts. And even desserts had better watch out, because madre de los primos de cristo y todo los santos en las guantes de las bibliotecas is it the greatest thing in the history of ever.

--Having anxiety freakouts complete with the sweaty fantods every time I think of tomorrow. (Note today's date. Add one. FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Tremble, cry, read 538 and try to fucking BREATHE.)

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Wednesday, October 24, 2012

I love lamp

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

EHRMAGERD! WERMERN!

All previous declarations of things having won the Internet are now rendered null and void.

Winner and Champion Forevermore:

Binders Full of Women

And a new silver medalist, strangely apropos:

Jenna Maroney's summer dance jam, "Balls"

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Monday, September 10, 2012

"You were born in Hawaii? You got a birth certificate? Heh."

So just back from the Big Island, still resenting the fuck out of having to wear pants and shoes -- here's a couple of things that were awesome while I was so far off of US Mainland time that I had a hard time connecting news events to reality.

1) Sarah Brown is EN FUEGO. Muy muy incendio. I have been repeating this particular post to myself in my head, verbatim, several times a day since I read it a week ago. (Hey Sarah Brown, btw: I confess I'm bummed about Amy Poehler getting divorced -- not like, freaking out crying, but sort of arm's-length, friend-of-a-friend, but-I-really-LIKE-her! bummed. I want the people I like and admire to be happy. But then, maybe this makes her happy, so ... um. Anyway.)

2) Holy taintballs do I love me some Bill Clinton! That's the only DNC speech we saw a big chunk of (I've seen the rest via tumblr gifs mainly ... remember back when I used to be a poli sci enthusiast, reader of dense books, consumer of news media, writer of lengthy analyses for grades? Yeah ...), and it was sofa king awesome. I would elect him President again and again. The Big Dog, y'all.

3) ICP MST3Ks the "Call Me Maybe" video. Stupidly hard laughter from this girl here, y'all -- and I'm still repeating lines from it ten or twelve days later.

4) This fun little jaunt in the 1992 wayback machine. Awwww, y'all ... how'd I get this old?

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Thursday, August 30, 2012

Things I thought about at 3:45 a.m. while Mr. Gleemonex snored like a stableful of cartoon horses

IOW, Potpourri Thursday

--The extremely sexually-excited way Megyn Kelly presented during her interview with "the Romney boys," aka the five asshole sons of Willard Romney. Seen (thankfully not heard) on the TV that's always tuned to Fox "News" at the gym. The girl's eyes were huge and flashing wanty looks, her nips practically sproinged little smoking holes through the front of her blouse, and she sort of squirmed in her seat the whole time -- christ that was disgusting.

--Wonder Woman's backstory is total bunkum. All that insanity about "Amazons" and invisible jets (does it also have invisible fuel? wouldn't you run into it on the tarmac? wtf) and talking to animals and Greek gods ... srsly what is the deal.

--I have a desperate desire to punch Paul Ryan in his stupid punchable face. It's a face that BEGS for punching. Hard punching and lots of it. Those stupid limpid eyes, that goddamn Munsters cowlick, that earnest idiot expression -- christ do I want to punch him so bad.

--It's possible our new dentist is a crazy person. She's great, don't get me wrong, but there's something a little nutburgery about her. Nobody but a crazy person wears pants like that. And what's with all the Barbies all over her office? Actual Barbie dolls. Krickety-krackety kray.

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Monday, August 20, 2012

Rape is rape

“The views expressed were offensive,” President Obama said. “Rape is rape and the idea that we should be parsing and qualifying and slicing what types of rape we’re talking about doesn’t make sense to the American people and it certainly doesn’t make sense to me.”

My President, and yours. Holy Shatner in a voting booth, do I love me some Barack Hussein Obama!

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Tuesday, May 29, 2012

I'm entirely sure, you're entirely sure, what I'm suggesting.

Interception!
Yet another of the million reasons I cannot wait to vote again for my President, Barack Obama -- I'll let Mr. Gleemonex take this one:

Which teen would you rather have grow up to be president? A guy who peacefully hangs with his friends hotboxing pakalolo or a dick who pins a guy down and forcefully cuts his hair off cuz he looks different and is probably gay?


On a slightly different but related note: We watched Obama on Fallon (finally), and it was awesome. But I wanna take a moment to discuss the futon that was in the cool-ass photo they discussed on air -- a young Barry, looking cool as shit with a small fro and a nice smile, sitting on a futon covered in (probably) a sheet, with a plant in the background (Fallon was like, "Lookit you, tryna be all grown up, class up the place with a plant!" Heh.). And I'm thinking: I will bet you one hundred dollars, cash American, that Mitt "Entitled Motherfuckin Gay-bashing Asstard" Romney has no fucking idea what a futon is. I mean that if you asked him to define the word, he could not get anywhere close; he would not even know that it belongs in the category "furniture." It works in reverse, too: If you showed him a photo, he absolutely could not come up with the word "futon." Why would he? He's never seen one in his entire life. Futons are for Poors, and he's never even met one of those. 


The craw -- in which this is stuck -- is getting crowded
So also (you'll notice a theme here) we're always like two or three weeks behind on SNL episodes (the fact that we are awakened at the very tippy-top of the asscrack of dawn every morning -- even weekends and holidays! --  by the four-year-old bursting through our door with a book has much to do with this), and we only just watched the one with Kristen Wiig's big send-off a few days ago, and I have not been able to get over it. 


I don't like her much -- at least, not unalloyed. When she's allowed to hog up all the airtime with her awful maybe-funny-the-first-time-but-certainly-not-the-forty-third-time recurring sketches as she's done the last couple of years, it's goddamn near unbearable (not as bad as the dull, stupid horrorshow that is Armisen, but still, not good). (Quick note about Bridesmaids, if I may -- I laughed a LOT more than I thought I would, which is entirely attributable to the Feig/Apatow influence, but both Wiig and Rudolph were about five to seven years too old for their characters; it took me out of the story a little.) 


And but so whatever, I'm only one person. Other people dig her flavor. BUT: Why the big sendoff? Did I miss how she's so deeply, universally beloved and revered as both person and sketch comic that her FINALLY leaving is such a notable event -- the Passing of an Era, the Exit of a True Icon, the worth and weight of her presence so enormous that her departure demands tribute from All Who Came Before Her, to be noted by All Present and All Who Shall Ever Follow? 


Fucking Cocksnacking Shatner, what a load that was. There've been a few sendoffs of note, but nobody who's ever been on that show has ever had anything like this one. Ugh. Well, silver lining: No more Wiig on SNL! Yay! Now -- can we get rid of Armisen? Please? PLEASE. I beg. 



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Tuesday, March 06, 2012

SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEIT

Holy crap, Internets, I got a basketload of goodies for y'all today.

--STFU Conservatives: Where I spend most of my time online. A Tumblr of wonderfulness that will also enrage in a head-explodey way. Good for keeping fired up in this election season, and I adore Jess & Joe, the proprietors (whom I've never met or even corresponded with, just to clarify; they're just really kewl).

--Fuck Rick Santorum: A Canadian gets in on the game, and hilarity ensues.

--I Hope Rick Santorum: ... encounters a whole bunch of shitty little first-world problems, pretty much every minute of his day every day of his life. AWESOME.

--Dr. Jen Gunter: Wielding the lasso of truth -- it's her tagline and the actuality of the blog. Thoughtful, intelligent, extremely interesting posts on the issues of the day by a doctor and single mom.

--Bracketology: Greatest Wire Characters. You come at the king, you best not miss.

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Monday, May 02, 2011

By which I mean: FUCK YEAH

Monday, September 06, 2010

Aloha, Mr. Hand

Sorry for going AWOL on you good folks, but it was for an excellent reason -- the Gleemonex fam up and went to Hawaii for a week! Total last-minute thing (seriously, booked five days before departure) -- we haven't been on a vacation since the Molokai trip while I was pregnant, in 2007, so between the kid's school's annual closure week, a tendency on my part to case airfares in idle moments, some luxe condo-owners' willingness to rilly DEAL at the last minute, and a very large amount of job-related FUCK THIS SHIT on my part, we were off to the Big Island for a week of sun, sand, extremely calm surf, crazy-fresh fish, tropical drinkz, and largely internetless, TV-free early-to-bed/early-to-rise days of heaven.

Despite all the shit going on in the world, I can't muster a lot of ire right now -- none, actually, cause I'm still vacation-hiiiiiiiiiigh from the awesomeness -- but here are a couple of things for ya:

--I CANNOT GET THE CEE-LO GREEN SONG OUT OF MY HEAD. You know, the unbelievably catchy, curse-riddled one you can't sing in front of your toddler? You get as far as "I see you ridin round town with the girl I love" and that's as far as you can go without risking an awkward phone call from the school director concerning your child's "inappropriate use of language"? Yeah. That song. It fucking rules.

--It is seriously about three decades past Upgrade Time for the Honolulu airport. Holy 1974 Time Capsule!

--I think the writers of Psych have narrowed down their demographic focus to an incredibly granular level (as we say at my Day Job): Their target audience is, specifically, me and Mr. Gleemonex. The rest of y'all are just incidental -- but I, and they, do hope you enjoy the show!


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Thursday, June 17, 2010

Fuck yeah, Obama!

Monday, May 03, 2010

"They're O.R. scrubs." "O, R they?"

Things That Happened At Dinner, A Dinner Which I Bought With My Heathen Atheist Liberal California Money For My Sister And Two Girls (Ages 17 and 18) Whom She Knows From Some Churchy Thing Or Other

--I gave a discourse on how work-study works (it is funded by The Government [ooooooh]; you are allotted a set amount of dollars as part of your financial aid package; you find and perform a work-study job at your college; if you don't get a work-study job, you don't get that money at all because it is hypothetical till you earn it; once you have earned your allotment, you are dunzo till the next financial aid year; how you spend it is up to you but it is counted as part of your "contribution" to your own education).

--My sister and I attempted to explain why we thought that a Chili's or an Olive Garden was everything our town lacked back when we were in high school -- you know, a place to get a decent afterschool/summer job, a place to go on dates, a place to hang out with your friends that wasn't a decrepit brown/yellow McDonald's -- and the girls did not get it at all. They also didn't get why we don't think that the Chili's we now have is so crazy fucking awesome like we thought it would be when we were sixteen. GOD.

--The teen I hadn't met before tonight, Teen #2 (I have in fact struck up a friendship with Teen #1, disagree politically though we almost certainly do; she is good people), texted through fully four-fifths of the meal.

--Also Teen #2 did not thank me for picking up the check. I didn't do this to BE thanked, but listen, kiddo: That shit is just rude. I bet Jesus always said thanks to the people who fed him and his fucking entourage.

--I made a mental note of where one of these homeschooled teens is going to kollege, and now, having looked it up (its slogan is: "Answering God's Call: Every workplace. Every nation."), I am suffering little shivers of fear.

--I tried to explain why Karate Kid is sofa king awesome. Without using curse words. (See above re: homeschooled xtian teens).

--I heartily commended Teen #1 for unequivocally cutting off a nascent relationship with a guy who, after three days of fun flirty infatuation, let it drop that he had a girlfriend already. Who needs to be forever in the role of Auditioning Next Girlfriend, even if he ditches her for you? Ugh.

--I admitted that I, too, couldn't make it past about fifteen pages of Brave New World. Tried to qualify it with "maybe I was just too young when I tried it" and "but I read like a mothafucka!! honest!!", but still felt like Elaine offering Kramer's insane summary of a manuscript she was supposed to read and discuss -- "It's a story about love, deception, greed, lust, and ... unbridled enthusiasm."

--I drank two Shiner Bocks because YAY, BEING (way the fuck) OVER 21! BOO-YAAAAAA!! Would've had three if the waiter had been on his game. My money, my drinks, my beloved baby sister drivin' me home.

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Friday, March 26, 2010

Witness Exhibit A: My 8th Grade science project - a working rain forest. Mike Dexter threw it out a third story window. It rains here no more.

Internets: What up, Gleemonex?

Gleemonex: Not much. You?

Internets: Eh, just laughing my ass off at that awesome video of that walking advertisement for abortion, your former president George W. Bush, wiping his hand on Bill Clinton's shirt after he shook hands with a black person.

Gleemonex: OMFG, right?

Internets: I know -- how you guys STOOD that vile swine shitting all over the White House for eight years --

Gleemonex: Let's please just not fucking talk about it, OK?

Internets: OK -- suits me just fine. [ptui] So actually, I was gonna ask -- any idea why the nutbags in the Olde Hometowne didn't get their "OMG OBAMA IS HITLAR WE'RE ALL GONNA BE DETH PANELED BY TEH GAYS AND TEH MEXICANS STEELIN OUR HEALTHCARES" letters in the midweek edition of the Bugle-Noisemaker?

Gleemonex: No! I know -- I'm surprised too! That shit happened on Sunday (and by the way, FUCK YEAH OBAMA!!!) -- you'd think they'd have some ignorant-ass shit to say by the pub deadline on Monday, right?

Internets: Like a fill-in-the-blanks Dumbass Ignorant Racist Fucktard LTTE Form No. 534(b)?

Gleemonex: Yeah -- with, of course, the Christianist Hate-Sentence Generator rider, Schedule 1143(div).

Internets: Well, maybe they were just busy clearing a path to their front doors for the Rapture. I'm sure Sunday's edition'll be a doozy.

Gleemonex: I am very, very much looking forward to that.

Internets: Heh. Me too.

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