You can be my wingman anytime!

Internets, can I just tell you that Top Gun is the gayest movie ever? I mean, it’s gayriffic! Gaytastic! Gaytacular!!!

I loved this movie SO BAD when I first saw it in the theater (I think I was 12). This one friend and I saw it several times then, and rented it like ten times in the next year or so. I pretty much had it memorized.

But I hadn’t seen it for YEARS, until we chose it from the stack o’VHS tapes at this cabin up in Tahoe a couple of weeks ago, and lemme tellya — it. was. hilarious.

I love that there’s all this bullshit macho military posturing, all this towel-snapping bonhomie, all this Cold War military rah-rah, and no women anywhere (except a cute but tragic widow and a be-permed and be-highlighted Kelly McGillis, who by the way is awesome and I do love that she was Tom Cruise’s age or older, instead of some 19-year-old bim like they all are now).

And all the gay stuff that just sailed over my head at age 12 was hysterical this time around. Besides the infamous “Playin’ With the Boys” volleyball laff-a-thon, in which they’re all oiled up and flexing, shirtless, with — again — no women anywhere, there’s all this other stuff: shenanigans in the steamy-hot locker room, a guy saying to his friend during a military class lecture, “This gives me a hard-on,” and the other guy nodding confirmation, ceaseless streams of ambiguous dialogue (I howled when Skerritt, at the end, post-Pornstachioed!Goose-death, tells Maverick that if they don’t assign him “a new rear,” he’ll “ride behind” Mav himself), and this one scene that goes on FOREVER of Tom Cruise standing at a sink, IN HIS TIGHTY-WHITIES AND NOTHING ELSE, leaning over and gripping the edge of the sink, with his ass stuck out into the room. Skerritt comes in and talks to him, and he stays in this posture for the entire scene, which is almost entirely in long shots so you can see the be-tighty-whitied ass in all its glory. We were DYING.

I think I love this movie even more now than I did 20 years ago.