92 percent, yo. That means I gots a 92% chance of embarrassin myself.

Internets: Hey, Gleemonex. What up?

Gleemonex: Busier 'n a one-legged man in a ass-kickin contest. You?

Internets: Same. Various hoaxes, tiresome shit, the occasional flash of brilliance.

Gleemonex: Hey, I got a good one for ya -- did you know Obama is being influenced by the Antichrist?

Internets: Dude, you told me that one already.

Gleemonex: No, this is a new one! A post to the Old Hometowne Newspaper by another K-Mart University Comparative Religions post-doc fellow. And the Antichristing includes the rest of our liberal Congress and "that new Supreme Court justice, what's-her-name, Maria something."

Internets: "Maria something?"

Gleemonex: Well, that was implied. Apparently all we "one-world thinkers" who are under the delusion that we have great leadership now -- we're all against the Constitution, and for one world currency (even now in the planning stages!) and --

Internets: Whaa?

Gleemonex: Yeah. So check this out, a statement of ABSOLUTE FACT: "The Constitution was written by God-fearing men. Study these men and their priorities as leaders. You will get answers and direction. You must not forget this important fact: God made a covenant with the pilgrims on the Mayflower, and God never breaks a covenant with His people."

Internets: That sure is a fact, all right. Yes indeedy. I assume if you call it otherwise, you just "refuse to accept the fact," yes?

Gleemonex: You got it.

Internets: Tell me they mention ACORN.

Gleemonex: But of course.

Internets: That's in the bible, I'm pretty sure. Lemme check. ... Huh. Nope. Coulda sworn ... Oh well. So I presume also that Real Americans should Stand Firm and Speak Out ?

Gleemonex: You know my people too well, Internets. [terrorist fist jab]

Internets: So, about the Antichrist part?

Gleemonex: Oh, right here, the money shot: "My opinion is that our president and many of our elected politicians are under the influence of the spirit of the Antichrist, and the direction they are leading this nation is dangerous and destructive and will destroy millions of citizens."

Internets: Well, my opinion is that that is completely full of fresh, steaming flamingo shit.

Gleemonex: That's why I like you, Internets.

Internets: Right back atcha.

Mr. November & the Sandman

Or: FUCK YEAH, THE YANKEES!

I really think the trouble in Anaheim was related to that ballpark's weird little celebrity dugout right behind home plate, with Sajak and Chrissy from Three's Company and sundry other semi-recognizable faces all studiously ignoring the BLOODSUCKING GHOUL Boras, who stood there making demon love with his cell phone while he oversaw the proceedings the whole goddamn game. Big ol' floater in the punchbowl, that guy.

But meanwhile: on to the World Series! FUCK YEAH!

Danson machine

Internets, can we please talk about late-career Danson for a second here?

Holy white-haired Shatner, is he awesome! I never thought much about him one way or another, post-Cheers (and even that was mostly on while I was a kid -- I never watched it regularly or anything), and I’m assuming he has giant houses next to his houses just to hold all his F-You money because of his many years of syndicated network TV, so he actually probably never has to get off the couch ever again if he doesn’t want to. So it’s triply awesome how awesome he is.

We started watching Bored to Death mostly because of Schwartzman – the Gleemonex household has a Thing about him, from Phantom Planet and Rushmore and sundry other whatnots. And of course there’s Galligaskin, or whatever, whose abject bearded desperation is as hilarious as it is mesmerizing.

But the revelation – the absolute astonishment – is Ted Fucking Danson. He absolutely owns every scene he’s in, he’s hysterically funny, he’s a complete lizard, you forget he’s a fictional character – you actually even forget it’s someone you know who plays the character. It’s to the point where I almost don’t care what’s happening in the other scenes – just move it along so we can get to the Danson parts, goddammit.

So hey, Danson! Rawk.

Also, three out of four train engines are total assholes.

Things I’ve Learned, Thanks to Board Books and Other Very Young Children’s Lit

--The Little Red Hen is kind of a twat. I mean, I’m not saying she should’ve shared the damn bread with those lazy a-holes she hangs out with – they totally blew her off when she asked for help, repeatedly – but she didn’t have to be such a bitch about it.

--Hippos are the major sad sacks of the animal kingdom. They’re always moping around whining like a bunch of whiny bastards. Unless they’re going apeshit totally trashing some other hippo’s house.

--Llama Llama and his Llama Mama are doing JUST FINE without Papa Llama, thankyouverymuch. Even if Little Llama is kind of a scaredy-cat and a whiny brat who throws fits in stores, which, were he MY Little Llama, would get his llama block knocked off.

--If you’ve ever wondered where your dog is, probably he took your car, drove to a tree, climbed a ladder, and is up there partying his doggy ass off in the treetops with all the other dogs in town.

--Dr. Seuss invented crunk.

--The monster at the end of the book is Grover. Probably shoulda put a spoiler warning on that one.

Somewhere in the ancient, mystic trinity / You get three as a magic number

Holy crap, y'all -- this blog turned three and I didn't even get it cupcakes!

The more you know

So watching House the other night, I had one of them there Realizations: If I were watching this show back when I was fifteen, I’d’ve been ALL ABOUT blond prettyboy Chase, the Aussie who seems to feel that shampoo is frankly just not his bag. I might – MIGHT – have spared a thought for Wilson, because fifteen-year-old me has a lovely fireplace in her heart stoked with undying lurve for Dead Poets Society and everything in it except for Meeks and that douche that says “Let Keating fry!” right before he gets his clock righteously cleaned by … oh hell, was it Josh Charles, or Douchebag of the Future Ethan Hawke? Help me out here.

ANYWAY. Point is, Chase looks like a poor man’s Cary Elwes, and that was my type way back then. Blonde, fine-featured, foreign accent, harmless postadolescent prettiness. But now that I know what use those guys are (specifically: none. They are of none use.), 35-year-old me, faced with the buffet of hotness that is House, M.D., would prefer to cut herself a nice big old slab of House himself.

With, ok, a side of Wilson. Eternal flame, doncha know.

The shoulder-padded silk shirts from Express fared rather less well.

Surprising Longevity: A Few Things From 1991-1992 That Are Still In Frequent Use Today

--The alarm clock given to me by Jennifer M.’s parents as a graduation gift. A 5x5” cube, it has stood vigil at my bedside, coast to coast, for 17 ½ years without a single failure.

--The keychain given to me as a grad gift by Diane R.’s parents. It’s a 1926 dollar coin. It’s in my coat pocket right now, holdin up my keys.

--The Texas Instruments pocket calculator I was directed to purchase by Mrs. E for Trig/Pre-Calc. We all pretty much had the same one. It had something to do with, like, sines and functions and “ass-ma-totes.” It is good for balancing my checkbook still. That other stuff, I couldn’t do anymore if it were the only thing standing between us and Global Thermonuclear War.

--The beach towel given to me by the hostesses of a graduation party in my honor. It is purple on one side, green on the other, and the design is a large shield bearing the words “Beverly Hills Beach Club.” Now, it’s true I watched a lot of what my young friend Sarah A. calls “the NINE-oh,” but I doubt these nice ladies knew that, and also, WTF? Nice towel, though. So I’m always prepared; as Towelie says, “Don’t forget to bring a towel.”

And then, of course,

there are the days you wish she'd settle down, quit walking into walls with exhaustion and for the love of Shatner and your own sanity take a
GOD.
DAMN.
NAP ALREADY.

You can double any number / All you do is multiply by two ...

In Which I Overshare (By Gleemonex Standards) and Forever Lose My Gangsta Cred:

Two years ago today, I was in the hospital, three days out from my last shower, tireder than I’d ever been, and feeling like I’d run an ultramarathon, then been totally dismantled and put back together wrong -- and I didn’t care about any of that at all, cause Kid Gleemonex was finally here and this duo had become a POWER TRIO.

And as scared as I was up to then about how she’d change our lives, and change me, and generally throw a wrench into everything – none of that shit mattered anymore either. She did change everything; in fact, the shift into our new lives was instantaneous, completely radical and absolutely shocking in its totality. Entire rooms opened up that we didn’t even know were there. No, fuck that – galaxies. Entire galaxies, lit with billions of stars.

I tell her every day that she’s the most precious thing in the world to me.

Happy birthday, tiny girl – you are everything I wanted and everything I never even realized I wanted, and I’m grateful for every second of it.

PMFSA

Listen, motherfuckers: It’s “sneak peek.” Not “sneak peak,” unless you’re talking about a goddamn MOUNTAIN that crept up on you.

Shatner melted over French toast with powdered sugar and fresh fruit, do I have to tell you people everything?

Strange things are afoot at the Cursive W

Mildly Surprising Things Found At the Brand-New Walgreens Near My House

--A home kit to test for drug use, including meth, cocaine, crack, marijuana, etc. $29.95. Near the pharmacy window, with, somewhat ironically, the anti-theft camera pointed right at it.

--A box of strips to test the BAL (blood alcohol level) of breastmilk. In the same aisle with the baby stuff. Didn't note the exact price, but I remember thinking it was expensive for something you could probably figure out for yourself.

--Big bags of sweetened/flavored pipe tobacco with hideous names like "grape dream" and "cherry royale." Made my throat constrict involuntarily in a heaving/ralphing action. Product was part of a very large display of tobacco products behind the counter, right next to the equally large display of stop-smoking products.