Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Also, three out of four train engines are total assholes.

Things I’ve Learned, Thanks to Board Books and Other Very Young Children’s Lit

--The Little Red Hen is kind of a twat. I mean, I’m not saying she should’ve shared the damn bread with those lazy a-holes she hangs out with – they totally blew her off when she asked for help, repeatedly – but she didn’t have to be such a bitch about it.

--Hippos are the major sad sacks of the animal kingdom. They’re always moping around whining like a bunch of whiny bastards. Unless they’re going apeshit totally trashing some other hippo’s house.

--Llama Llama and his Llama Mama are doing JUST FINE without Papa Llama, thankyouverymuch. Even if Little Llama is kind of a scaredy-cat and a whiny brat who throws fits in stores, which, were he MY Little Llama, would get his llama block knocked off.

--If you’ve ever wondered where your dog is, probably he took your car, drove to a tree, climbed a ladder, and is up there partying his doggy ass off in the treetops with all the other dogs in town.

--Dr. Seuss invented crunk.

--The monster at the end of the book is Grover. Probably shoulda put a spoiler warning on that one.

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Blogger francine said...

i love go, dog, go! my sister and i used to spend lots of minutes trying to figure out which dog at the party we wanted to be and which car we wanted to be driving, etc.

1:45 PM  
Blogger Lindsay said...

Have you ever read The Lonely Doll? It's totally creep-tastic and avant-garde and shit, but don't read it to Kid Gleem. She'll get nightmares. Thanks again, Mom. Although there is a scene involving spanking that made me feel funny and now it kinda explains some things...TMI? Oops.

1:59 AM  
Blogger Panda!!!! said...

How timely. In my conference goody bag, I received this children's book: http://www.amazon.com/Mommy-Daddy-Do-Pro-Bono/dp/0615268390. I haven't bothered to read it yet.

7:58 PM  

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