Also, three out of four train engines are total assholes.

Things I’ve Learned, Thanks to Board Books and Other Very Young Children’s Lit

--The Little Red Hen is kind of a twat. I mean, I’m not saying she should’ve shared the damn bread with those lazy a-holes she hangs out with – they totally blew her off when she asked for help, repeatedly – but she didn’t have to be such a bitch about it.

--Hippos are the major sad sacks of the animal kingdom. They’re always moping around whining like a bunch of whiny bastards. Unless they’re going apeshit totally trashing some other hippo’s house.

--Llama Llama and his Llama Mama are doing JUST FINE without Papa Llama, thankyouverymuch. Even if Little Llama is kind of a scaredy-cat and a whiny brat who throws fits in stores, which, were he MY Little Llama, would get his llama block knocked off.

--If you’ve ever wondered where your dog is, probably he took your car, drove to a tree, climbed a ladder, and is up there partying his doggy ass off in the treetops with all the other dogs in town.

--Dr. Seuss invented crunk.

--The monster at the end of the book is Grover. Probably shoulda put a spoiler warning on that one.