They use these delicate, tiny, very talented celebrity starlets, they use Alaska as a fundraising tool for their anti-second amendment causes.

Takin it from the top …

NOTABLE QUOTABLES
Holy silver-tongued Shatner, my friends – just when I thought I couldn’t love Caribou Barbie more, the Great One Himself shines his light upon her. NBC is being dickholes about running the whole thing on YouTube, but here’s a taste … and be warned: This will at last make converts of you all to the Church of Our Lord the Most High Shatner, may he bless every last one of us.

ONLY A LAWN IN YOUR GAME
Per the request I blog about a broken water sprinkler: Well, I don't know much about those, but I do happen to know an ugly racist joke from the pervasively racist milieu of my upbringing, involving three Chinese guys, three black guys, and the sound a sprinkler makes. Does that count?

HOT PROBS
Here's what's wrong with you, Guy Who Drives a Porsche SUV: You paid $55K+ for a car with the frames and doors from the Volkswagen Touareg, proving that you're one of those feckless idiots who buys the shiny logo instead of the real product. You took everything that's cool and kind of dangerous about a German driving machine, and bought the one that's ... an expensive minivan. I'm not sure what you do for a living, but I'm sure it involves professional dickery of one sort or another. And that's what's wrong with YOU.

Looks like yer pumpin a dry well, here.

You know how sometimes your brain will just get completely dried out, like they wrung it in a towel and salted it and put it on the drainboard for awhile, preparatory to slicing it thin and frying it in a little olive oil for a snack?

And then you think how snack is just such a terrible word, which sounds like smack, as in smacking while you eat, and how food noises, like on a Carl's Jr. commercial, are among the most sickening sounds ever, and maybe you could write about that for your little blog which you haven't updated in a week, but then you don't really have anything else to say about it except that in food/eating-related words you also hate "eatery," "toothsome" (especially since everybody uses it wrong), and "slurp," but seriously, who doesn't?

It's kinda like that around here ... nothin wrong, nothin ugly going on (life's pretty damn good right now, actually), no lag in my commitment to this great enterprise we call the Internets, just -- no good ideas or fresh outrages at the moment. So lemme axe y'all for help:

Throw some topics at me, people -- let's ballpark some figures, I'll bebop and scat all over whatever you're layin' down. Blogger for hire yo!

Because, seriously.

I’m not sure if you can really claim the right to call yourself a musician if, by way of explaining my position in the group of drunken jackasses I like to call a band, I tell you, “Basically I’m Stu Sutcliffe, minus the head injuries and the German girlfriend,” and you look at me with the total blankness.

Franch fries, Franch dressing ... and to drink: Perru!

Internets, I wanted to share with y'all an example of a kind of writing I cannot fucking stand. It's from the New York Times, one of those "36 Hours" columns written by a variety of writers. This one's about Aix, France: 

Dieters, sleep in. With its mountains of eggplants, ranks of honey jars and fields of fresh goat cheese, the morning market at Place Richelme is a bloater's paradise and sure to doom even the most fervent intentions of slimming down. 

Here's why I fucking hate it: 

1) The would-be clever phrase "bloater's paradise." What the fuck is that? You're trying to tell me what's great about this place, and you put the word bloat in there. [sad, faintly disgusted trumpet] Don't try to be clever, OK? Seriously. It's a fucking farmers' market. Tell me what it has and get out of my way.

2) Who goes on vacation in France with intentions -- fervent or not -- of "slimming down?" That is Lifelong Professional Killjoy territory, right there. France is a place for food and art and drinking and sex. If that's not what you're after, go to Germany. 

3) The use of "dieters" and "slimming down" at all -- what is this, 1971? You want to conjure up thoughts of cottage cheese on iceberg lettuce, and, like, Slim-Fast and Tab and silly-ass useless leotarded exercise routines for laaadies? Holy corseted Shatner.

4) The notion, implied rather than stated outright, that there are "good" and "bad" foods and eating behaviors -- I could fill an entire other blog about how much I hate it when people act like good chocolate is "sinful" or talk about how they "shouldn't" eat this or that; unless it is a direct threat to your immediate health, or made of nothing but petrochemicals and space-age polymers, no food is "bad." Learn to balance your nutrition, eat REAL FOOD MADE OF REAL INGREDIENTS (and the occasional Twinkie when you're, you know, hungry for one), and quit being Debbie Downer about how horrible it was of you to sample the delights of a FARMERS' MARKET IN PROVENCE for fuck's sake. 

This is why I stay with Shatner, y'all.

Lemme axe y'all all something, a question raised by my participation in the entity known as Facebook: How come all the people I went to school with -- regular people, most of whom went to, you know, whatever church their family went to but didn't really give it all that much thought as far as I could tell, and most of whom seemed to be a lot less religious than I myself was (I was pretty churchy, for reals) -- how come most of them are now, like, really super-religious? Like they post how excited they are to go to church, they talk about "worship and fellowship," they bless each other all the time, they put up bible verses on their profiles. It's nuts. I don't get it.

Also, shocking scandal time: I keep writing comments to stories on the Hometowne Paper's website, in full compliance with the rules and regs but expressing what I gather is the minority opinion (e.g.: No, the proposed Bible class at my former high school -- a public high school, and the only game in town -- is actually not a good idea, even if it is offered as an elective and not a requirement) -- and they are NOT POSTING MY COMMENTS. I mean it. It's been three times now, on three different subjects. They just ignore/block my posts, but they allow an apparently infinite number of gems like this one, below, an actual comment posted to the Letter to the Editor written by an avowed Bible-studying Christian who does not think we need this class in our local high school. Comment says:

I agree with all of the comments on here so far. I was proud of [Cowburg] for being brave enough to even consider this and to stand up and give our children a chance to expand on their beliefs and the right to learn about God. Especially during this day and age where it seems that the mere utterance of God's name is a crime or something, but cursing, pre-marital sex, drugs, and alcohol are not only welcomed nowadays, but spread shamelessly throughout our towns, televisions, and schools as if it is just a normal way of life. Well, frankly, THAT is offensive to me and my children and yet, my children are forced to be subjected to it every day. At least this class is an elective. If your child doesn't like it, they don't have to take it, but don't stop others from having it. I am glad that someone has enough sense to bring back something good for our children for a change. I hope and pray [Cowburg] is brave enough to stand up in the face of so much adversity and instead of considering what the WORLD thinks, consider what is BEST for our children for a change! I hope [Cowburg] DOES offer the class. It sure will be a nice change of pace from what the students are used to hearing and seeing! For those of you who don't like it...deal with it...we've been dealing with you taking away our God for long enough! To the students out there that want this class, stand up for it! You are our future leaders and it is ultimately up to YOU what you allow to happen and what you don't allow. If it is right, stand up for it! You are taught over and over again, IN SCHOOL, to be leaders and to make a difference...well here's your chance! Go for it!

But I'm the nutjob whose posts are not fit for consumption, eh?

These are the people in your neighborhood

Ladies, lemme axe y’all something: Would you, a college-age young lady in apparent gainful employment at a legitimate above-the-board business, whose car sports decals which indicate current student status at a degree-granting institution, be willing to regularly spend overnights at your boyfriend’s house – when it’s not really his house at all, as in, he lives with his parents in a 3BR/1BA bungalow (within spitting distance of the Gleemonex residence), a house in which one of his brothers also lives with HIS frequent overnighter-gf, a house which he could not legitimately rent (or rent a room in) himself because he apparently has neither a job nor any school, training, or apprenticeship commitments at all? If so, would it bug you that his “friends” seem to drop by at all hours in groups of one to three for visits of five to fifteen minutes, the purpose of which brief visits seems to be the exchange of cash for consumable herbal preparations, the gains from which seem to be your boyfriend’s sole means of income? And if you’re OK with all of that, would you get annoyed by the constant amateur-hour koff koff koffing from the backyard when his friends stay for longer than the usual time it takes to transact the exchange of goods for tender and decide to partake of such refreshment together?

Just a hypothetical.

It might be better than Transformers 2, but I won't chance it.

Internets, I love John Krasinsky. I do, a real lot. And if you don’t, it’s probably because you are medically, clinically frigid. But I don’t love everything he’s in (that lump of dog schmear he was in with Robin Williams? If ever humanity needed proof that the Holy Shatner, while loving, is also cruel …). And this new thing, this Away We Go? I’m afraid I find it simply unsupportable.

It was written by Writers, y’all. Capitalization intended. Precious famous-indie Writers. Those are the WORST. When Writers go for to make a movie, the result is much more often than not a turgid, in-love-with-itself thing that nobody really likes, but they have to say they do so they can seem cultured and smart and high of brow.

I mean, come on. Krasinsky’s bearded. Maya Rudolph is involved and Mike Judge isn’t.

I could be wrong about this one – but I probably won’t find out unless I get, from y’all personally, a good reason to.

Three Things That Are Great

I didn’t forget you, dear Internets, I just got lost for a piece. For you, three things that don’t make a post on their own but together form a family:

Best Fourth of July Ever
This year I plan to eat lots of marinated meat foods, drank 'till I'm drunk, possible say something regrettable (more possible than not), stumble into a tumbleweed or two, lay on my back on the ground and yell at no one in particular and maybe, just maybe blow off a finger or two with an illegal firework purchased at the Indian reservation.

Best Movie Review Ever
Could you sum up the film in one line of its dialogue?
"I am standing directly beneath the enemy's scrotum."

Best Political What The Fucking Fuck of the Last Week
Palin. Flame-throwing pig-roasting mai-tai-drinking SHATNER, y’all – this is even funnier than that hypocritical asshole who had to go to Argentina to get some strange, and THAT was a fuckin stone cold laff riot! Godamighty I love this nutty bitch. Girl CRAZY.

When it’s time to change / you got to re-a-RAAANGE / who ya are and whatcher gonna be

Further proof that I’m raising this kid right: She can correctly identify, by name and photo, each of the nine persons in the Brady household.

We don’t go to church, but that doesn’t mean we don’t have Values.