You can always tell who was in an HBO early-adopter household as a kid.

Sniglets from Not Necessarily the News That Have Stuck With Me for Lo, These Thirty Bygone Years: A Partial List

furbling: the act of shuffling through the maze of all the line dividers in an airport or wherever, when you are the only one there

backsplatch: the mud/water/whatever that splashes up your back when you ride your bike through a puddle

meganegabar: the big line you write all the way to the end of the written dollar amount area on a check, to keep someone from writing "and one million dollars" to the end of it

cinemuck: the crud that covers the floor of a movie theater (combination of spilled soda, popcorn, candy, etc.)

She's a talented girl / she's tight

Some jokester -- or maybe some combination of my online ordering habits* -- signed me up for More magazine, and once I got over the sting of it, I realized it's actually a pretty OK mag to read on the treadmill at the gym (I mean, there's only so much that's readable in the sweaty magazine racks by the hand sanitizer; I can't do Glamour/Cosmo/DimSlutsMonthly anymore, Self and Fitness are all about spa trips and sad lo-cal recipes, Sports Illustrated gots too much football right now ... I'm down to Real Simple and the occasional rando Entertainment Weekly if it's not too destroyed, besides which More puts Julia Louis-Dreyfus on the cover and she's my spirit animal). I'm an old lady, fuck off.

Anyway -- but in an article on How To Get A Job These Days, The Way The Kids Are Doing It, someone on that magazine put in there a word which almost made me haemorrhage** out the earholes: Twesume.

Pronounced TWEH-zoo-may.

Like resume, but with Twitter getting his junk up way too close to the tight rear end of resume's $135 Lululemon yoga pants.

[checks the pantry] Nope, I'm all out of can. Nothin left but a pallet of can't. And those're expired.

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*Including but not limited to: Lands End (kids' clothes), Ready for Hillary, Wendy Davis for Governor, Barnes & Noble, Boden, Banana Republic, Sur la Table, Wine.com, Planned Parenthood, Rolling Jubilee, the school uniform store, Ultimate Pilates Workouts ... 

**so badly that I had to spell it the British way

It's turned us into a nation of people who say stuff like "open concept," as if that's even a thing.

These days, whenever I'm mainlining HGTV (which is often. like, really often. shamefully often.), I generally prefer the home-renovation shows (Property Brothers, the weirdly addictive Flip or Flop*), but I still see a fair amount of House Hunters and its various Law & Order-style spinoffs (HH International, HH Renovations, etc.).

And my favorite part of every House Hunters, always, is when one of the twerpy newlyweds realizes what a world-class pain in the ass their partner is. You can actually see why 50 percent of marriages end in divorce: It's because somebody married someone who, when they're both standing in the walk-in closet of the master bedroom (WITH a camera crew), cannot stop themselves making that stupid fucking joke that every nimrod makes about "Haha ok so this is great but where does YOUR stuff go?"

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*Which Mr. Gleemonex and I are both hoping someday shows a complete, total flameout of a flip -- where Tarek & Christina lose their entire investment and more, ending up selling it for like twelve hundred bucks. 

I'm going to kiss you now, Gerald.

Friends, the image on this magazine cover is everything I wanted to be, look like, and do with my life at the age of 16 (almost 17), which I was when it arrived in my mailbox in December 1990. EVERYTHING. I didn't even care all that much about Johnny Depp -- it's not about Johnny Depp. It's about wanting to look like her. This version of her -- I'd've taken any version, honestly, but this is The One. It's why I made the tragic decision to wear a hat in one of my senior portrait poses. It's why I wore blazers and pearly things, and experimented with weird lipsticks and haircuts to try to get this way -- it's why I stopped using Sun-In, for Shatner's sake! Fuhgaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh I still want to look like this.