E'rbody got they cup but they ain't chipped in

Lunedi Tricolore

1) So this dread/anxiety/hate spiral about my awful motherfuckin Day Job continues even though I ain't been there since late October (October 25, to be exact) and am not required to report back to it until March something-or-other, and it manifests in strange ways. Such as: A very very long, realistic and detailed dream about being on the project team for a "new concept in coffeetailing" my company is launching, called "Fisticups." A direct competitor out to "seize market share from Starbucks," it's a coffee house aimed at the 18-to-49 male demographic, where you can, you know, buy coffee and coffee accessories, but instead of "Starbucks' more traditionally female 'soft' palette and entertainment options," you get to watch a neverending stream of fights on the big screen (boxing, MMA, etc., matches in real time, plus fight scenes from movies, TV and YouTube). My boss and I were having a bizarre passive-aggressive argument over email with DOZENS of cc's and bcc's (as is our real-life wont) about the chain's tagline -- should it be "Coffee for men," "A manly place for coffee," or (my suggestion) "Kickass coffee"? Also he had "tasked" me with "owning the rights-availability space" to all the fights and clip scenes the chain would use (CAN YOU IMAGINE); he wrote in an email (cc'd to our mutual grand- and great-grand-bosses) that he thought "it shouldn't take much of [your] time," and that finding a "cash-outflow negative" (i.e. "free") way to do it would be "really beneficial around your development plan," plus "a really exciting way the broader team can leverage your talents to the benefit of the team and the company as a whole." KILL ME NOW.

2) The only people who own JetSkis are Kenny Powers and total douchebag econ/banking/financial guys. This is, btw, a conclusion I drew from watching several hours of House Hunters International the other day.

3) Speaking of which: Why are the places they look at on House Hunters International always such total, utter shitholes? I know it's Europe and they don't have normal goddamn toilets or showers, that's a given -- but so many of these joints are actual, literal piles of rocks, with all the amenities of a Delta AirBus and the interior decor stylings of a Soviet Bloc gynecologist's waiting room. Really puts a girl off of her fantasies of living abroad, dammit.

This a Barksdale joint, yo.

Movie Boyfriends of the Golden Age of Teen Cinema, As Assessed By Teenage Me and Grown-Ass Woman Me: The Second In a Series.

4) DANNY POPE, Running on Empty*

---Teenage Me: River Phoenix. Tears. Longing. The courage of his convictions! He's a musician. Christ would you lookit those eyes. That hair! And he loves Martha Plimpton! WANT. MUST HAVE.

---Grown-Ass Woman Me: River Phoenix. Tears. Longing. The courage of his convictions! He's a musician. Christ would you lookit those eyes. That hair! And he loves Martha Plimpton! WANT. MUST HAVE.

5) BRAND, The Goonies

---Teenage Me: You mean the guy who’s all het up about Kerry Green? She’s way too much prettier than me, I can’t have him, plus he’s old, so forget about it.

---Grown-Ass Woman Me: Well well well, what have we here? Classic older bro – busy with his own life, dismissive of the kid brother and his dork friends, but good-looking and in the end, heroic and a really stand-up guy; deals well with failure (just gets back in the saddle); gets to kiss the pretty girl finally. And turns into Josh Brolin later. Hmm. Yes, yes indeed.

6) JOHN BENDER, The Breakfast Club

---Teenage Me: Bad-ASS!!!! Kind of scary, but really funny. Tempting, verrry tempting. Still – too far outside the boundaries in general. No way he goes to church. We can sign each other’s yearbooks, though, and I’ll parlay that one kiss into a much bigger mythology about myself that I can tell people for the next few years.

---Grown-Ass Woman Me: Son, you got a lot of Issues you need to deal with. Seriously.

Still to come: Randall "Pink" Floyd, Marty McFly, Edward Scissorhands, Ferris Bueller, Jake Ryan, and many more ...

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*It could be argued that Running on Empty is not a "teen movie" in the classic sense, in that there aren't a lot of hijinx and it's actually a pretty serious movie that got a lot of critical attention -- but it has River Phoenix so shut up.

What's with these homies dissin my girl? Why do they gotta front?

Movie Boyfriends of the Golden Age of Teen Cinema, As Assessed By Teenage Me and Grown-Ass Woman Me: The First In a Series.

1) BLAINE, Pretty In Pink

---Teenage Me: Wow he's pretty. Nice hair. Doesn't embarrass me like Duckie, and OK, he waffles sometimes, but we got to dance together at prom in front of that bitch what's-her-name, Kate Vernon, so: Yay, Blaine!

---Grown-Ass Woman Me: Jesus, you are a weakling. Can't even be man enough to tell me whether we're still going to the goddamn prom together? Willing to ditch me because I'm A Poor? Totally under the thumb of your boy Steph the once and future date-rapist? Get the fuck outta here.

2) KEITH, Some Kind of Wonderful

---Teenage Me: Ohhhhh, what an awesome date he planned out for us! And what a romantic gesture, those diamond earrings! [swoon]

---Grown-Ass Woman Me: IDIOT. Jewelry? You drain your college fund for DIAMONDS to give to a HIGH-SCHOOL GIRL? That's the only thing worse than that awful painting, although, you know, bless you for the effort there. [hairpats] On the plus side, who knew you'd age so well? You turned kind of hot sometime in the last 20 years ... hmm. Still: IDIOT.

3) Mark Ratner, Fast Times at Ridgemont High

---Teenage Me: No. I'm not dating anybody smaller than me.

---Grown-Ass Woman Me: Ehhhh ... on the one hand, he at least isn't a date-rapist like two other dudes I know. But he's the kind of high-school dork that you can't tell whether he's going to grow up into a semi-dorky but awesome guy, or stay hopelessly dorky forever. Tough call ... I guess he'll do, for now. As a sort of friend-boyfriend. We'll practice kissing, he won't knock me up, we'll sort of drift apart when he gets really heavily into some Dork Activity and I finally figure out how pretty I really am* and start owning that instead of letting it get me into bad relationships with crappy guys.

*And by "I," I mean Jennifer Jason Leigh/Stacy. Not I, Gleemonex.

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Still to come: Randall "Pink" Floyd, Marty McFly, Brandon Walsh [Goonies, not 90210], Danny Pope, Edward Scissorhands, Ferris Bueller, Jake Ryan, and many more ...