Wednesday, December 07, 2011

What's with these homies dissin my girl? Why do they gotta front?

Movie Boyfriends of the Golden Age of Teen Cinema, As Assessed By Teenage Me and Grown-Ass Woman Me: The First In a Series.

1) BLAINE, Pretty In Pink
---Teenage Me: Wow he's pretty. Nice hair. Doesn't embarrass me like Duckie, and OK, he waffles sometimes, but we got to dance together at prom in front of that bitch what's-her-name, Kate Vernon, so: Yay, Blaine!
---Grown-Ass Woman Me: Jesus, you are a weakling. Can't even be man enough to tell me whether we're still going to the goddamn prom together? Willing to ditch me because I'm A Poor? Totally under the thumb of your boy Steph the once and future date-rapist? Get the fuck outta here.

2) KEITH, Some Kind of Wonderful
---Teenage Me: Ohhhhh, what an awesome date he planned out for us! And what a romantic gesture, those diamond earrings! [swoon]
---Grown-Ass Woman Me: IDIOT. Jewelry? You drain your college fund for DIAMONDS to give to a HIGH-SCHOOL GIRL? That's the only thing worse than that awful painting, although, you know, bless you for the effort there. [hairpats] On the plus side, who knew you'd age so well? You turned kind of hot sometime in the last 20 years ... hmm. Still: IDIOT.

3) Mark Ratner, Fast Times at Ridgemont High
---Teenage Me: No. I'm not dating anybody smaller than me.
---Grown-Ass Woman Me: Ehhhh ... on the one hand, he at least isn't a date-rapist like two other dudes I know. But he's the kind of high-school dork that you can't tell whether he's going to grow up into a semi-dorky but awesome guy, or stay hopelessly dorky forever. Tough call ... I guess he'll do, for now. As a sort of friend-boyfriend. We'll practice kissing, he won't knock me up, we'll sort of drift apart when he gets really heavily into some Dork Activity and I finally figure out how pretty I really am* and start owning that instead of letting it get me into bad relationships with crappy guys.

*And by "I," I mean Jennifer Jason Leigh/Stacy. Not I, Gleemonex.

Still to come: Randall "Pink" Floyd, Marty McFly, Brandon Walsh [Goonies, not 90210], Danny Pope, Edward Scissorhands, Ferris Bueller, Jake Ryan, and many more ...

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Blogger bonnjill said...

Word to the thoughts on Blaine. I always thought she should have ended up with Duckie.

I can't wait to hear your thoughts on Lloyd Dobler.

10:14 AM  
Blogger Amblus said...


11:04 AM  
Blogger Heather said...

Please email me! I have a question about your blog! ☺

12:31 PM  
Blogger Uncle Spike said...

Ooh! Ooh! Jake Ryan! (Yes, after all these years.) Can't wait to see what you spill about him.

12:42 PM  

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