What's with these homies dissin my girl? Why do they gotta front?

Movie Boyfriends of the Golden Age of Teen Cinema, As Assessed By Teenage Me and Grown-Ass Woman Me: The First In a Series.

1) BLAINE, Pretty In Pink

---Teenage Me: Wow he's pretty. Nice hair. Doesn't embarrass me like Duckie, and OK, he waffles sometimes, but we got to dance together at prom in front of that bitch what's-her-name, Kate Vernon, so: Yay, Blaine!

---Grown-Ass Woman Me: Jesus, you are a weakling. Can't even be man enough to tell me whether we're still going to the goddamn prom together? Willing to ditch me because I'm A Poor? Totally under the thumb of your boy Steph the once and future date-rapist? Get the fuck outta here.

2) KEITH, Some Kind of Wonderful

---Teenage Me: Ohhhhh, what an awesome date he planned out for us! And what a romantic gesture, those diamond earrings! [swoon]

---Grown-Ass Woman Me: IDIOT. Jewelry? You drain your college fund for DIAMONDS to give to a HIGH-SCHOOL GIRL? That's the only thing worse than that awful painting, although, you know, bless you for the effort there. [hairpats] On the plus side, who knew you'd age so well? You turned kind of hot sometime in the last 20 years ... hmm. Still: IDIOT.

3) Mark Ratner, Fast Times at Ridgemont High

---Teenage Me: No. I'm not dating anybody smaller than me.

---Grown-Ass Woman Me: Ehhhh ... on the one hand, he at least isn't a date-rapist like two other dudes I know. But he's the kind of high-school dork that you can't tell whether he's going to grow up into a semi-dorky but awesome guy, or stay hopelessly dorky forever. Tough call ... I guess he'll do, for now. As a sort of friend-boyfriend. We'll practice kissing, he won't knock me up, we'll sort of drift apart when he gets really heavily into some Dork Activity and I finally figure out how pretty I really am* and start owning that instead of letting it get me into bad relationships with crappy guys.

*And by "I," I mean Jennifer Jason Leigh/Stacy. Not I, Gleemonex.

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Still to come: Randall "Pink" Floyd, Marty McFly, Brandon Walsh [Goonies, not 90210], Danny Pope, Edward Scissorhands, Ferris Bueller, Jake Ryan, and many more ...