Tuesday, March 17, 2009

In which I’m sure I deeply grieve and offend some, but hey, they’re not likely readers of this blog, so.

Internets, I have done told y’all before about my powerful obsession with Big Love, which is another one of those HBO amazingly-well-written-and-acted joints (oh, for my lost Deadwood! And The Wire! But fuck Sopranos right in the ear. It is dead to me).

We’ve just had the second-to-last ep of this cheaply shortened season (they’re still crying writers’ strike, which was like THREE FUCKING YEARS AGO, lazy bastards), and it showed Barb (Jeanne Tripplehorn, or as I like to call her, Three-horn, yay Norm MacDonald! ) going into the LDS temple for this seeekrit ritual thingy. She’s not supposed to be there, having left the LDS church to join the Church of Bill, a polygamist offshoot she was sort of pressganged into on what she thought was her cancerous deathbed some years ago, and as the first wife of three, she’s lost her “temple recommend” and her good standing amongst the mainstream faithful. But with her life in crisis, she cons her mom and cunty sister into sneaking her in with a borrowed recommend, and y’all.


This ritual she goes through? Is HYSTERICAL. They were taking it very seriously, very solemnly, and cursory research has indicated it’s accurate. Which is just … RIDONCULOUS. There’s all these veils, and they’re wearing, like, weird white drapey dresses … I don’t know, it was just hilarious to this little lapsed Methodist. And then they went into this sex-segregated lounge area in their crazy duds, and … y’all. A guy, or several guys, made this up about a hundred and fifty years ago. I mean, come ON. With Catholicism or Islam, at least it’s been around so long that I can’t prove to you whether it’s real or not (I suspect not, thus my apostate status, but to each his or her own), but with this, like Scientology, you know exactly when it all got rolling and who exactly came up with it. No mystery, except the one of why people believe it, you know? And don’t even get me started on those two jackasses from the local LDS ward who just BARGED IN on Barb in her bathrobe in her own home and got all up in her GRILL with questions and threats and shit like they had a right to be there (I would’ve told them to go fuck a dead donkey, then slammed the door into their flinty little priss-ass faces, and right quick). And then (SPOILER ALERT) at this hearing they forced her to go to – and I mean, this is not a law enforcement action; the only power these fucknuts have is what Barb, et. al. give them – they excommunicated her, meaning (I think) that not only is she barred from Heaven on Captain and Deputy Fucknuts’ say-so, but also not even her own mom can ever speak to her again.

Two questions:

1) How is this bullcorn religion different from my establishment of His Righteousness The Shatner as the Deity as far as this blog is concerned? (Besides the fact that, though crusty, I am less of a smoking prick than those LDS ball-sores on the show, I mean.)

2) These are the people who were behind the big push on Prop 8? Wow.

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Blogger Moms said...

I loved how they asked her if she was wearing her "undergarments." Hey lady, do ya have yer magik panties on today? Heh, ya wanna let me see 'em? Boing!

When I think of Mormons, I have trouble getting "hair art" out of my head. We made the mistake of visiting a "historical fort" while once driving through Utah. Dude, art made from human hair adorned the rooms. They did invite us to watch a movie and have punch and cookies after our tour though. So thoughtful:)

2:31 PM  
Blogger bgirl said...

I was also going to post on this - but it wouldn't be the same without a picture of my husband's face during the whole temple scene, during which I was PISSED that my camera wasn't nearby. In emoticon, it looked like this: 8o

I was just snorting laughing during the whole thing and wondering what. the. fuck. And believe me, I am ALL ABOUT the to-each-his-own in terms of religion, but I could not contain the "they looking absolutely fucking ridiculous, thank Joseph Smith there aren't any mirrors in there" kind of comments. I repent. I giggle. I repent.

9:57 AM  
Blogger Panda!!!! said...

Having given up HBO in favor of making mortgage payments, I am deeply distressed that I've been unable to follow this season of Big Love. I shall wait for the DVD, but this ceremony sounds amazing.

10:55 AM  
Blogger francine said...

i worked with a dude who had to denounce his youngest daughter in front of the congregation (she stood with him) because she got knocked up without being married. so she promptly moved to vegas with her boyfriend (they were 17 and had no jobs) which worried him even more. i felt bad for the guy but hey, you're the one who subscribes to the religion where your daughter is shamed into being humiliated in front of a shit ton of people and having to basically kick her out in front of jesus h. shatner and everyone. religions is crazy to me.

11:15 AM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

That is fucked UP, Francine. And yet, I'm not surprised.

9:39 AM  
Anonymous Traceace said...

You can do whatever you want as long as it is through the hole in the sheet! I think Barb's religion is based on the UCB philosophies.

10:22 AM  

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