Friday, March 06, 2009

Spoiler-free bitchout

To the 19-year-old Model What’s-Yer-Face on Survivor, the One Wearing the Guys’ Boxer Shorts and Giving Neck Rubs and What Have You:

Listen, honey. You’ve never had to work for anything in your life, primarily because men just give things to you. You think this is because you are simply awesome, and you also think that you deserve this easy life because you are very pretty. Flirting and playing coy, well, that’s how you pay for stuff, when you have to pay at all. I can forgive you thinking this, because you’ve never known any other way, and we all gotta use what we’ve got, am I right?

But I have to draw the line at your instant loathing of, and constant plotting against, the older woman on your tribe. You disliked her on sight, because she is Old and therefore totally useless and gross, and you’ve pulled out all the weapons in your arsenal to get her eliminated as soon as possible – you’ve played your youth against her age, your pliability against her solidity, your (totally generic) beauty against her averageness, your giggly conspiratoriality against her directness. You’re working only on the men – you know not to waste this shit on other women. And it works, for the most part.

I have news for you, though: You’re not going to be nineteen forever. Time is a fucking bitch. And no matter how hard you chase the dragon – Shatner knows what horrors of Botox and cutting and yet-to-be-imagined anti-aging shit you’ll eventually submit yourself to – unless you die young, you’re going to be her age someday. For your sake, I hope you develop some other life/coping skills, because your only currency’s going to start dropping somewhere just past your next birthday; only a little at first, but a lot more and a lot faster later. And the real bitch of it is, this game you’re running is UNWINNABLE: There will always be another fresh young nineteen-year-old coming up after you.

Just thought you should know.

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Blogger francine said...

okay, i may be the only american who has never watched this show, but i still haven't seen it yet and i even have a friend on it this season! (not the model)

1:30 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

I've never missed an episode. For real. It's got me by the short hairs.

Who's your friend? I need someone to root for ...

1:57 PM  
Blogger Spanish Johnny said...

Okay, I don't watch "Survivor." So I'm not exactly sure who you speak of. However, as a fan of hot young things everywhere, I decided to visit the Survivor web site to check this woman out -- only to be stopped in my tracks by some frightening, shirtless, tattooed, long- and greasy-haired cheeseball named Benjamin. What the fuck is that guy all about? And why do I want to punch him in his stupid face so badly?

5:08 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Ahh, so the reaction is universal! He's a maaaaajor toolbag, as you quickly realized with your keen insight. We hates him.

5:17 PM  
Blogger francine said...


5:51 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Ohh, I like him -- good odds on the guy, too! I was really hoping you weren't going to claim one of the giant Dbags.

9:50 AM  

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