FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MONTRESOR!
In re: the All-Star Game: Laying it on a bit thick with the Last Days of Yankee Stadium soft-focus warm-voiced elegiac-tacularity, aren’t we? I mean, I get the history and how huge this is (the stadium and its history are part of what made me fall in love with the team, and I am on record as being very very very much against the new stadium – I think it’s bad juju all around), but to hear that fucknuts McCarver waxing Nostalgic and Important about it for ten goddamned hours on FOX, my most hated venue for baseball coverage, got old REAL FAST.
By the way: had you heard? There’s a young man on the Rangers ballclub, a young man with a troubled recent history – he was on drugs. No, not steroids, DRUGS. Like from the ghetto, drugs. And he overcame his drug troubles, and he’s now a real good kid with a heart of gold and a bat of solid titanium! He credits Jesus with the transformation, of course! Shall I tell you it all again, or perhaps seventy-four more times? Yes? Well, you see, there’s this young man on the Rangers ballclub, a young man with a troubled recent history – he was on drugs. The kind of drugs that get you high, and make you get bad stupid tats and blow all your bonus money on hoors, but then baseball and jeebus and his grandma dug him out of the ditch [repeat, ad infinitum]. Ugh. Way to make a cool story throat-punchingly annoying by putting it on an infinite verbal loop, guys.
Plus also: Fuck you, cat-butt-mouth Papelbon. You’re not fit to wash Mariano Rivera’s Saturday skivvies, so shut your FACE about how you oughta be closing it instead of him. You hear how the whole stadium was hollering MA-RI-A-NO the entire time you were on the mound? Listen closely, shithead -- it's the sound you'll hear in your dreams forever and ever.
Plus also: Yogi Berra should’ve pushed McCarver (aka the Human Urinal Cake) out the window of the fucking broadcast booth the very first time he asked how it is that Yogi comes up with all those tee-hee funny little sayings of his. Beating!
Plus also: Reggie -- God love ya, Reg, and the rest of us do too. I mean, I know you know that, but I'm just confirming.
OK, now that’s done with. Back to baseball, people. Suit up, let’s go! We didn't get this goddamn huge fiddy-inch HD plasma teevee to watch y'all stand around scratchin yourselves!
By the way: had you heard? There’s a young man on the Rangers ballclub, a young man with a troubled recent history – he was on drugs. No, not steroids, DRUGS. Like from the ghetto, drugs. And he overcame his drug troubles, and he’s now a real good kid with a heart of gold and a bat of solid titanium! He credits Jesus with the transformation, of course! Shall I tell you it all again, or perhaps seventy-four more times? Yes? Well, you see, there’s this young man on the Rangers ballclub, a young man with a troubled recent history – he was on drugs. The kind of drugs that get you high, and make you get bad stupid tats and blow all your bonus money on hoors, but then baseball and jeebus and his grandma dug him out of the ditch [repeat, ad infinitum]. Ugh. Way to make a cool story throat-punchingly annoying by putting it on an infinite verbal loop, guys.
Plus also: Fuck you, cat-butt-mouth Papelbon. You’re not fit to wash Mariano Rivera’s Saturday skivvies, so shut your FACE about how you oughta be closing it instead of him. You hear how the whole stadium was hollering MA-RI-A-NO the entire time you were on the mound? Listen closely, shithead -- it's the sound you'll hear in your dreams forever and ever.
Plus also: Yogi Berra should’ve pushed McCarver (aka the Human Urinal Cake) out the window of the fucking broadcast booth the very first time he asked how it is that Yogi comes up with all those tee-hee funny little sayings of his. Beating!
Plus also: Reggie -- God love ya, Reg, and the rest of us do too. I mean, I know you know that, but I'm just confirming.
OK, now that’s done with. Back to baseball, people. Suit up, let’s go! We didn't get this goddamn huge fiddy-inch HD plasma teevee to watch y'all stand around scratchin yourselves!
Labels: balls in YOUR mouth sir, beisbol a been berry berry good to me, clean livin, douchebaggery, Stab stab stab stabbity stab, they ain't takin the TEE-vee
posted by Gleemonex at 11:19 AM
4 Comments:
All summer my moms has been beating us with the heartwarming of Josh H. But I'm not a baseball fan, so I just smile and nod. Then the other night my husband says, "you better come watch this" referring to the Homerun Derby or somesuch, "your mom is going to be all over this and you'll need to know what she's talking about."
SO, the Rangers don't suck? Is that the takeaway?
Oh no, the RANGERS suck. But this young man, the one who overcame his drug addiction with the help of grandma and Sonny Jesus, HE'S the thing to remember. You see, he used to be on DRUGS, and now he's CLEAN and ...
Point by point (because I know of no other way)
1) Yeah, they did lay it on pretty thick. But Yankee Stadium is fairly hallowed turf...I mean, c'mon, Ruth, Gehrig (Jesus H. Shatner...HENRY LOUIS GEHRIG!), Mantle. These were the giants of baseball. I even rooted (mildly) for the Yankees when I was there last summer, because how could you be there and NOT?! Oh, and McCarver BLOWS, but he's no Billy Packer...sorry, I got distracted.
2)Yes...the moral of the Josh Hamilton story is that you can do massive amounts of drugs and become a brilliant major leaguer as long as your gramma is still alive. Moving on...something about 15 minutes of fame.
3)Okay, now I take offense to the Papelbon thing. Naturally it's been blown out of proportion. He said he would like to be taking the ball, but he understood that Rivera would be closing. It's classic shabby journalism. Take what he said, and turn it so that everybody thinks he's the bad guy.
4) Yogi Berra is old.
5) I liked Reggie too, until I saw "The Bronx is Burning" on ESPN and if that's what he is really like, then, what a prick! Still, the guy could hit homeruns.
SERIOUSLY?! 15 innings?! I'm still recovering.
I feel ya, slugger. I mean, you're totes wrong about Papelbon (Sox man that you are, heh!), but I just want to clarify about Yankee Stadium -- my beef is with these a-holes at FOX acting like they themselves are personally broken up about it. Ugh. And of course, them acting like we've never heard this information before ... Mr. Gleemonex and I kept turning to each other and going, "Whaaat? They're shutting down Yankee Stadium? No WAY! Whatever will happen now???" It was the Josh Hamilton Story, Stadium Edition -- throat-punchingly annoying.
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