Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Capricorn is an Earth sign, doncha know.

The Official Damn Kids Ranking: Bodies of Water and Whether I Will Swim in Them or Not

1.) Ocean. Turquoisey and bathwater-warm near Miami, bracingly cold off Long Island, clear and fresh on Maui, super-salty and gentle in the Gulf of Mexico, chilly but swimmable in the south of France – I’m scared to death of the ocean’s power, but I love it (them?) best of all.

2.) Swimming pool. Must be outdoors, well-maintained, have absolutely clear water and no weird stains anywhere, must have unblemished white shell (no tiles, designs, or colors below the waterline), must not have overly large drain; any one of these factors renders the pool unusable to me.

3.) River. I don’t do whitewater, but a lazy river is at least a possibility. If I’ve got a good raft or a bunch of people and innertubes. And beer. Because then I can forget about slimy things lining the riverbed, and snakes, and deadly whirlpools.

4.) Lake. Ugh – never again, except maybe Tahoe (where you can see to the bottom). I have a crippling fear of lakes – they’re pretty when viewed from the deck of your lake house, but no way would I swim in one again. Cottonmouth snakes, water you can’t see through, murky stuff underfoot, bacteria soup, eeeegh. And that’s in the good ones; there are those that advertise themselves as “bottomless,” which gives me the Level Seven Super-Meemie Howling Fantods.

5.) Pond. I used to love ponds so much as a kid, I dug my own in our yard, with a spade. I wanted to row about in a pond, in a little boat, under a parasol. But then I realized how they’re basically breeding grounds for mosquitoes, algae, leeches, snakes, water spiders (shut up, I know it’s true), and stench, and the dream died.

6.) Water park. The summer of 1991 is the last one that saw me anywhere near a water park. Holy sunburnt pisswater blubberfest! Well, OK, I was pressganged into going to Schlitterbahn with the yute group for whom I was pressganged into acting as chaperone in the summer of 1996, but I didn’t actually go into the water. Speaking of yute groups, the 1991 trip was with one as well, only I was one of the yutes, and it was actually pretty fun, as I was trying to get something going with A Boy at that point in time, and hell, when you’re 17, a lot of things seem fun that don’t later in life, am I right?

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4 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

totally agree with any pond, lake, opaque body of liquid that I will not immerse into. Same call on the ocean. Love it fear it. Pools umm does a horse trough 3ft deep with a garden hose and a bottle of Clorox count? total redneck back yard summer make over. had to go down to the tractor supply and buy one took a trailer to haul it home. was putting the swim suit on waiting for it to fill. god love it. haven't had the richy rich opportunity to pool it recently.

10:39 PM  
Blogger Sarah B. said...

You know about the river shark, right?

5:35 PM  
Blogger bgirl said...

I've been to maybe one water park my whole life - I'm just not the "type." But, I somehow got talked into taking our kids to Whitewater Bay! next week. I mean, it's FOR THE CHILDREN for Christ's sake. They also made me go camping earlier this year. Little menaces.

7:46 AM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride.

10:22 AM  

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