Capricorn is an Earth sign, doncha know.
The Official Damn Kids Ranking: Bodies of Water and Whether I Will Swim in Them or Not
1.) Ocean. Turquoisey and bathwater-warm near Miami, bracingly cold off Long Island, clear and fresh on Maui, super-salty and gentle in the Gulf of Mexico, chilly but swimmable in the south of France – I’m scared to death of the ocean’s power, but I love it (them?) best of all.
2.) Swimming pool. Must be outdoors, well-maintained, have absolutely clear water and no weird stains anywhere, must have unblemished white shell (no tiles, designs, or colors below the waterline), must not have overly large drain; any one of these factors renders the pool unusable to me.
3.) River. I don’t do whitewater, but a lazy river is at least a possibility. If I’ve got a good raft or a bunch of people and innertubes. And beer. Because then I can forget about slimy things lining the riverbed, and snakes, and deadly whirlpools.
4.) Lake. Ugh – never again, except maybe Tahoe (where you can see to the bottom). I have a crippling fear of lakes – they’re pretty when viewed from the deck of your lake house, but no way would I swim in one again. Cottonmouth snakes, water you can’t see through, murky stuff underfoot, bacteria soup, eeeegh. And that’s in the good ones; there are those that advertise themselves as “bottomless,” which gives me the Level Seven Super-Meemie Howling Fantods.
5.) Pond. I used to love ponds so much as a kid, I dug my own in our yard, with a spade. I wanted to row about in a pond, in a little boat, under a parasol. But then I realized how they’re basically breeding grounds for mosquitoes, algae, leeches, snakes, water spiders (shut up, I know it’s true), and stench, and the dream died.
6.) Water park. The summer of 1991 is the last one that saw me anywhere near a water park. Holy sunburnt pisswater blubberfest! Well, OK, I was pressganged into going to Schlitterbahn with the yute group for whom I was pressganged into acting as chaperone in the summer of 1996, but I didn’t actually go into the water. Speaking of yute groups, the 1991 trip was with one as well, only I was one of the yutes, and it was actually pretty fun, as I was trying to get something going with A Boy at that point in time, and hell, when you’re 17, a lot of things seem fun that don’t later in life, am I right?
1.) Ocean. Turquoisey and bathwater-warm near Miami, bracingly cold off Long Island, clear and fresh on Maui, super-salty and gentle in the Gulf of Mexico, chilly but swimmable in the south of France – I’m scared to death of the ocean’s power, but I love it (them?) best of all.
2.) Swimming pool. Must be outdoors, well-maintained, have absolutely clear water and no weird stains anywhere, must have unblemished white shell (no tiles, designs, or colors below the waterline), must not have overly large drain; any one of these factors renders the pool unusable to me.
3.) River. I don’t do whitewater, but a lazy river is at least a possibility. If I’ve got a good raft or a bunch of people and innertubes. And beer. Because then I can forget about slimy things lining the riverbed, and snakes, and deadly whirlpools.
4.) Lake. Ugh – never again, except maybe Tahoe (where you can see to the bottom). I have a crippling fear of lakes – they’re pretty when viewed from the deck of your lake house, but no way would I swim in one again. Cottonmouth snakes, water you can’t see through, murky stuff underfoot, bacteria soup, eeeegh. And that’s in the good ones; there are those that advertise themselves as “bottomless,” which gives me the Level Seven Super-Meemie Howling Fantods.
5.) Pond. I used to love ponds so much as a kid, I dug my own in our yard, with a spade. I wanted to row about in a pond, in a little boat, under a parasol. But then I realized how they’re basically breeding grounds for mosquitoes, algae, leeches, snakes, water spiders (shut up, I know it’s true), and stench, and the dream died.
6.) Water park. The summer of 1991 is the last one that saw me anywhere near a water park. Holy sunburnt pisswater blubberfest! Well, OK, I was pressganged into going to Schlitterbahn with the yute group for whom I was pressganged into acting as chaperone in the summer of 1996, but I didn’t actually go into the water. Speaking of yute groups, the 1991 trip was with one as well, only I was one of the yutes, and it was actually pretty fun, as I was trying to get something going with A Boy at that point in time, and hell, when you’re 17, a lot of things seem fun that don’t later in life, am I right?
Labels: cryin' amazacrazy, demoralizing confessions, the horror ... the horror, things that are great, things that sound great but really aren’t once you think about them
posted by Gleemonex at 3:08 PM
4 Comments:
totally agree with any pond, lake, opaque body of liquid that I will not immerse into. Same call on the ocean. Love it fear it. Pools umm does a horse trough 3ft deep with a garden hose and a bottle of Clorox count? total redneck back yard summer make over. had to go down to the tractor supply and buy one took a trailer to haul it home. was putting the swim suit on waiting for it to fill. god love it. haven't had the richy rich opportunity to pool it recently.
You know about the river shark, right?
I've been to maybe one water park my whole life - I'm just not the "type." But, I somehow got talked into taking our kids to Whitewater Bay! next week. I mean, it's FOR THE CHILDREN for Christ's sake. They also made me go camping earlier this year. Little menaces.
I believe that children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way. Show them all the beauty they possess inside. Give them a sense of pride.
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