Lucy, while we argued, was lying on the patio, doing a charcoal sketch of Barbra Streisand. From memory this time. It was a full-faced rendering, with teeth like baseballs and eyes like jellied fire.

Wow. Wowie wowie wow, was that Oscars awful. I am STUNNED by how awful it was, and that's even with the bar of expectation low enough for a seven-month-old infant to crawl over it. I fucking hate the alleged entertainment product of Seth MacFarlane, have hated it for my entire awareness of its existence, but I had no idea how truly terrible he could really be. The whole goddamned thing was painful, and stupid, and brutal (and of course SUPER misogynist and racist, just for extra kicks).

So here's some things I wrote down as I drank champagne and lost, utterly and in slow motion, to Mr. Gleemonex, on our Oscar-winner ballots:

1) When did we decide that the Oscars are supposed to be funny? I mean, this here is obviously a colossal fail, but I mean the concept that this the show is supposed to be hilare-town? As Linda Holmes wrote on NPR,

It seems like it's very difficult for awards show organizers to learn the lesson that an awards show is not a roast. It's not there to pull the rug out from under Hollywood and zing the heck out of everybody and show 'em a thing or two. 

2) If I ever meet Barbra Streisand, I'm gonna ask her if she's read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas.

3) WTF was with Nicholson? He reminded me of Hader's ancient field reporter on SNL.

4) I declare an immediate, total, permanent moratorium on calling out people who are in the audience.

5) I wish Salma Hayek had stabbed MacFarlane in his stupid fucking punchable face. She might've if she'd been any closer to him.

6) Clooney is a good sport, because he has to be, but I think he wanted to burn the building down with everybody in it. Including himself.

7) And then this thing, from the Onion. I can't even. This is what rape culture looks like, Internets. Somebody thinks it's satire, and "funny," to call a nine-year-old girl a cunt. This beautiful, sweet, talented, self-possessed young lady, nominated by her (adult) peers for her excellent work, and it's all turned to ashes by one word from a fucking warthog-shitstain of a person who thinks he's funny and is going to get away with it because his fellow warthog-shitstains will think it's funny and defend him on grounds of if you didn't think it's funny then you're uptight and don't get humor and are probably a castrating lesbo cunt yourself.

So yeah. Puke City.