Friday, February 12, 2010

Eeeease the seat back a little ...

So on the Internets the other day I saw a bunch of links to the Billboard 50 Sexiest Songs of All Time. And y’all, that list was so thoroughgoingly bogus that I’m not even going to link to it. It’s THAT bogus. You want it, you go find it yourself. To remedy the error, I’ve made my own list. This is the real list, and I am prepared to defend each and every one of these. It may not be complete – in fact, I reserve the right to add stuff later, or to add stuff you remind me of, because I’m certain I’m missing some songs – swiss cheez for brains, the older I get. Now, one note: Don’t go reading Gleemonex personal history into the explanations – they’re just images/thoughts conjured by the songs, not secret oversharings. And with that, here you go, Internets:

The More-Than-50 Sexiest Songs of All Time

60) Never Let Me Down Again Depeche Mode
• Tough to pick just one Mode. Master & Servant creeps me out, as does Little 15, so …
59) True Spandau Ballet
• One of several that owes its place to the movie it was in. This one had Jake Ryan.
58) The Waiting Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
• Well, it is the hardest part, no?
57) The Other Man Sloan
• I know you got a man in the picture, but it hasn’t stopped me yet
56) Hotel California Eagles
• Dark desert highway, cool wind in hair … yeah.
55) Lilac Wine Jeff Buckley
• Stalkery yearning. Good times.
54) Please Please Please Let Me Get What I Want The Smiths
• For once in my life, let me, let me, let me … (also: Bueller)
53) Until You Break Matthew Sweet
• One of several that’s more sad breakupy sexy
52) So Cruel U2
• Oh yes.
51) She Bop Cyndi Lauper
• I’ll go blind …
50) Honky Tonk Women Rolling Stones
• One of the few convergences between the real list and Billboard’s
49) Drop Jesus & Mary Chain
• Because, damn.
48) Superstar Sonic Youth (cover)
• Total stalkerazzi, love-knife material
47) Frank Sinatra Cake
• Something to play at the end of the world
46) Come Together Beatles
• Well OK then!
45) Edge of Seventeen Stevie Nicks
• You karaoke it after 2:00 a.m., drunk, with somebody you’re about to go home with
44) Waterfall Jimi Hendrix
• Ahh, Singles, your influence reaches across the years …
43) Lyin' Eyes Eagles
• Cheatin and cryin. And, of course, lyin.
42) When Doves Cry Prince
• Dig, if you will ...
41) Need You Tonight INXS
• Come ovah here! Hutchence, goddamn.
40) Let's Get It On Jack Black (cover)
• Sacrilege, I know, but I choose this over Marvin’s original.
39) Peaceful Easy Feeling Eagles
• And I wanna sleep with you in the desert tonight / with a million stars all around
38) Seven-Year Ache Golden Smog (cover)
• Cheatin, way past cryin
37) Under the Milky Way The Church
• Remember that VW commercial where the kids decide not to go the party?
36) Jack the Ripper Morrissey
• So it’s about a serial killer. But still.
35) Just Like Honey Jesus & Mary Chain
• Sofia Coppola can’t just have this. It’s mine too.
34) You Got Lucky Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
• You don’t leave me. I leave you.
33) Santa Monica Everclear
• Swim out past the breakers, watch the world die
32) F*** You Gently Tenacious D
• No, I’m not kidding. The D rules.
31) Superstition Stevie Wonder
• Fonky.
30) Billie Jean Michael Jackson
• The bass. Oh my Shatner, the bass.
29) Kashmir Led Zeppelin
• The rest of Zep’s too obvious; this one’s another track for the end of the world.
28) Halleluja Jeff Buckley (cover)
• Sounds like a beautiful guy with mental problems. Ace choice there.
27) Nobody Does It Better Radiohead (cover)
• Sometimes I wish someone would …
26) Girl, You'll Be a Woman Soon Urge Overkill (cover)
• Creepy premise, but killer execution.
25) How Deep Is Your Love Bee Gees
• Shivery goodness.
24) Hungry Like the Wolf Duran Duran
• Wine coolers, femmy boys, hunger.
23) Darling Nikki Prince
• I honestly didn’t get what he was talking about till, like, 1995.
22) Jamie's Cryin Van Halen
• Front seat of the car.
21) Gigantic Pixies
• A big, big love!
20) Walking After You Foo Fighters
• Grohl, y’all. GROHL.
19) Almost Gold Jesus & Mary Chain
• Late afternoon, post-shower, warm sun.
18) I Love Rock n Roll Joan Jett
• She picks up this 17-year-old & doesn’t even get his name? Wow.
17) Fascination Street The Cure
• Cut the conversation …
16) How Soon Is Now The Smiths
• Pure sonic sexuality
15) Panama Van Halen
• More about the breakdown than anything else
14) Stone in Love Journey
• Those were the best times, most of all
13) Moving in Stereo The Cars
• You know why, and it could turn a straight girl
12) Wave of Mutilation (UK Surf version) Pixies
• You girls know why, and it involves (unfortunately) Christian Slater
11) Don't Worry Baby Beach Boys
• It’s not about a car, y’all.
10) 16, Maybe Less Iron & Wine
• Yesterday my dream was of you
9) Heavy Metal Drummer Wilco
• Playin Kiss covers, beautiful and stoned
8) Take My Breath Away Berlin
• There’s not a female over the age of 30 or under 45 reading this who doesn’t know why.
7) Hey Pixies
• Go “uhhh!” all night
6) Everything in its Right Place Radiohead
• The intro alone gets this song to #6
5) Kinda I Want To NIN
• Dirtay. Reeeeal dirtay.
4) All the Time in the World Louis Armstrong
• Nothing more, nothing less, only love
3) Teenage Lust Jesus & Mary Chain
• She’s been told about sin, now, but it feels fine
2) Wicked Game Chris Isaak
• Driving at night, radio playing, haunted
1) Son of a Preacher Man Dusty Springfield
• The only boy who could ever teach me …

Labels: , , , , ,


Anonymous Betsy said...

Haaaaaa! I started reading this all, "Damn, what was that feedbacky song from my tape of the Pump up the Volume soundtrack?" And, BAM, there it is! God, I want to go put on some black and white striped tights right now.

7:32 PM  
Anonymous PSPants said...

I could not agree with you more on any of this. Except... I think #39 is actually "Peaceful Easy Feeling", right?

7:58 AM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Oh shit, you're right -- correction immediately TK! THANKS!

(and, glad you like the list!)

exclamation point!

8:33 AM  
Anonymous Christine said...

How 'bout "Just a Little Lovin'" Shelby Lynne (cover), original by Dusty Springfield. ...Just a little lovin' early in the mornin' beats a cup of coffee for startin' off the day... Slow and smooth hmmm

6:43 AM  
Blogger alison said...

I'm with you on the Tom Petty love, but you missed the sexiest song evah: him singing 'Breakdown'. Go ahead and give it to me.

11:53 AM  
Blogger alyce said...

This is an incredible list. I have three or four of the songs competing for space in my brain right now.

I know I'm not supposed to like High Fidelity because of whatever hipster reasons people are hating on things that don't suck but are popular, but Jack Black at the end near to blew my socks off. Great build to the song, throughout the movie and then at the end with the wacky band names (Sonic Death Monkey, Kathleen Turner Overdrive), and then huge payoff.

Tenacious D's 'F*ck Her Gently' is, like most of what they do, terribly tongue-in-cheek. But it's also perfectly crude and with excellent instructions for the teenage boys who follow Kage and Jables like they're gods.

1:47 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home