Friday, February 19, 2010

Ahhh, the beach. I used to love the beach.

Oh man, Internets -- did this genius post ever speak to me! Herewith, I give you (with some crossover from the original):

Things That Messed Me Up As A Kid

--The typewriter-on-wheels on Sesame Street. I somehow equated it, in my mind, with the cement truck that came to pour us a carport when I was about three, and it was fucking terrifying. Like, leave-the-room terrifying.

--The no-mouth girl from the Twilight Zone movie. HOW COULD SHE EAT WITHOUT A MOUTH???

--The nowhere-place in the Twilight Zone movie. What's scarier than being literally nowhere?

--Lithgow getting his face squeezed by the plane-shredding fantod thingy, which then wagged its scrapey finger in his face and flew off laughing its hideous demonic laugh. In the Twilight Zone movie.

--The staticky TV that was the portal to the beyond in Poltergeist. Channels don't go off the air anymore, but when they did, back in the day, I would do ANYTHING to turn off the TV before that happened.

--The toys-come-alive scene from Poltergeist. To this day, I get the heebie-jeebies just thinking of it. I might die of a heart attack if I got locked in a toy store overnight.

--The evil tree from Poltergeist. The parents said it was just his imagination and then it GRABBED THAT BOY!!! Who the fuck let me watch this movie?

--Charlotte's Web. I cried because a fucking spider died. That must be some good writin, because y'all, I would personally be the architect of a goddamn arachnid holocaust if I were sure it would work (you come at the king, you best not miss -- any survivors would have it OUT for me). (More than they do now, that is.)

--The fluorescent ear worm things they put in that guy's ears in Beastmaster. They strapped him down! They put THINGS in his EARS! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

--The Kraken.

--The mud baths in Invasion of the Body Snatchers. Once again, who the fuck let me watch this movie? There was NO REASON for that. And this scene is the reason I will never, ever take a mud bath (besides the fact that, well, you're naked in mud), and I can't be comfortable in that scene in The Player where Tim Robbins and what's-her-face are hiding out in a desert spa. Even though I know there's no zombies in that one.

--Ichabod's ride home in the animated Legend of Sleepy Hollow. Holy shit, that's intense, and we saw it like four times a year in elementary school, sitting Indian-style on the floor of the stage at one end of the cafeteria, with the curtain pulled and the projector whirring.

--The end of Greg Kihn's Jeopardy video -- you know, where all the old couples' hands and arms start melding together and he's all tripping out on being trapped into holy matrimony? Yikes.

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8 Comments:

Blogger Sarah B. said...

Gah, just reading this has me all freaked out again. Poltergeist seriously fucked me up for years, no exaggeration. I should have had therapy. I still will lose my shit if someone comes up behind and me starts singing "God is INNNNNNNNN his holy TEM-pullllll."

Legend of Sleepy Hollow was terrifying. Just because it was Disney didn't mean it was okay.

What is this Jeopardy thing? Wait, I don't want to know.

10:40 AM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

It's a video -- the song is OK, but the video FREAKED MY SHIT OUT.

10:49 AM  
Blogger Guinness74 said...

I have one moment like this...televised version of Poe's "Fall of the House of Usher" I literally did not sleep for months. My mother did everything she could to calm me down. I even half-watched the damn thing from behind the couch as if that would save me from the horror.

I've looked for a video copy, but none exists. Probably deemed too horrifying even for adults now.

Oh, and I know that you and I sat "Indian-style," but our children will be required to sit "criss-cross applesauce" which is just about the stupidest thing I've ever heard. What does applesauce have to do with it? Sure it's politically correct, but why does it have to frackin' rhyme? It's not dumb enough?

1:09 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Heh! The traumas that stick with us ...

I used "Indian style" on purpose, because back then, that's what it was. I get why we don't say that anymore ... but I ain't gonna pretend it never happened.

1:14 PM  
Blogger Panda!!!! said...

Did you ever see that Sesame Street clip where the orange rolls along the kitchen counter, amassing face organs like rubberband lips and daisy eyes? Then it sings a song from Carmen? THAT freaked me out. Like seriously, seriously, I didn't get it. It moved like a crazy monster and the face flew off the orange head!

Also, many of your list's items were truly creepy. These days, I suspect, kids are going to be freaked out by Heidi Montag's face on television.

4:53 PM  
Anonymous berwie said...

I am probably going to sound crazy...but wasn't there some monster or some scary thing that we thought lived in the basement (dressing room) part of that old, old gym back home? It had a weird name?? Maybe I have just gone insane, but I seem to remember being terrified to go down there...

10:57 AM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

OMG NO YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!

That was the dripping, tar-covered monster guy -- cannot think if we named it something, I'm sure we did -- but I was terrified of it too! I have a strong feeling someone you and I both know invented that creature ...

1:14 PM  
Blogger francine said...

and these are the things that still freak me out at 2am when i'm wide awake in the house and trying to find something like golden girls to watch on the tv. my first nightmare was from watching star trek 2 when i was like 5 or something and i thought someone put one of those worms in my ear to eat my brain.

8:41 AM  

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