Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Also: Stamos.

Men My Daughter Might, Unfortunately, Date Someday But Is Not Allowed to Marry or Otherwise Commit To
An incomplete list.

The one who refers to himself as “boyish” or “a big kid.” You know what, fella? I’ll take your word for it.

The Republican. (The one good one I know is already married -- hi there, Jenn & Larry!)

The one who let his parents pay his rent/housing past college. I know you can’t afford a place as nice as your folks’ house. You’re young, that’s the fucking point. Figure out how to do it yourself.

The one who mistreats waitpersons, flight attendants, baristas &c. Obvious, but it bears repeating. Entitlement goes hand in hand with generalized assholery, and this person is most likely a miserable angry fuckhead even if he’s crazy-good-looking. Or probably especially then.

The one who Never drinks and/or has Never smoked (anything).
He’s either a liar, some sort of religious, or a self-righteous prick – better not to tangle with it in any case.

The one who Always drinks and/or brags about what/how much he smokes/ingests/applies topically. These are called drunks, junkies and future inmates. You’ll never be more important to them than the substance is.

The one who doesn’t disapprove of his friend who cheats on his girlfriend.

The incredibly rich one. That’s not his money -- he didn’t earn it -- but he’s never known what life is like without that soft fluffy coating all over everything. This is not a man who can handle reality.

The willfully poor one. Dates consisting of store-brand pasta cooked over a two-burner stove, a couple of bong hits, and a borrowed DVD might be fun when you’re 19, but trust me, this shiftless a-hole’s scavenged futon feels a lot less comfy when you’re 30.

The one who calls himself a poet. Not somebody who has written or writes poetry – I mean the one who calls himself a Poet. There might be bigger douchebags out there, but I doubt it. And besides, he probably has a vandyke beard or other Sensitive Facial Hair. Which: no.

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8 Comments:

Blogger francine said...

amazing. these are all so so true. i feel like shit today and this was the best part of my day.

11:04 AM  
Blogger Panda!!!! said...

Is this list drawn from past Gleemonex dating experience?

1:56 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Nope, I avoided a lot of them. I have always been a reader. But I've known some of them here and there in life, and wow, yet another reason to be fucking psyched I've been w/the same guy since I was 18! For reals dude.

Francine: Hee! Glad I could help.

2:05 PM  
OpenID slugger said...

Copying this into stone for the upcoming birth of my daughter. 3 weeks to go!

4:28 AM  
Blogger Jenny, the Bloggess said...

Amen. Except, what drug do you apply topically. Is it hash? I never figured out hash.

9:38 AM  
Blogger betsyhv said...

So, I have a similar one running in my head for guys my son isn't allowed to grow up to be, but, seriously, this shit's hard to enforce.

Like, as of this morning, he wants to be a police officer so he can "help people and shoot guns." What am I supposed to do with that?

(I didn't go to high school with that guy, but my husband totally did, and we know that guy's going to end up disillusioned and possibly stationed overseas.)

8:00 AM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Oh man, besty -- that's a tough one. Let's brainstorm careers that combine helping and shooting ... um. Doctor with a membership at a gun club? Librarian by day, security officer at night? Teacher and Olympic skeet shooter?

Btw, I grew up with a couple of those guys. Disillusioned and stationed overseas, indeed.

11:54 AM  
Anonymous blabbermouse said...

If I had a daughter, I would frame this in a silver frame and hang it on her wall.

But you know what? I have boys. So I'm gonna frame it in GOLD.

9:56 AM  

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