Thursday, January 22, 2009

Also: Jams? Really?

Things I Wish I Could Have Told My Thirteen-Year-Old Self, Not That I Would’ve Listened to Me

--Don’t waste your time crushing on that Scottish exchange student your neighbors are hosting. He’s Scottish, sure, which is hot, but HE’S not that hot. You’ll learn the difference eventually, but you could start now.

--Your fake British accent is HILARIOUS.

--No, no, no! Don’t destroy that novel about the four children of the four members of a Very Very Thinly-Veiled Beatle-ish Band forming their own band and becoming rock stars singing songs you wrote the lyrics to! You see, someday, there’ll be a thing called Cringe, and you’ll want to read this masterpiece, but it’ll be lost forever to the sands of time (and your obsessive fear that your brother will find it and read it and DIE FROM LAUGHING AT YOU).

--Stacie Lee is less scary than you think she is, and a lot more awesome.

--Save the fifty bucks your dad’s gonna demand for the international long-distance bill; Paul McCartney is unreachable, no matter how many flunkies buy your story of being a student journalist. PS: Are you nuts?

--Don’t get another perm. Don’t get another perm. Don’t get another perm. Ohhh, shit, you got another perm, didn’t you? Oh well, it’ll make an OK blog post someday.

--Despite the awesome dresses and the distinct absence of the seventh and eighth grades, the antebellum South would not, in fact, have been a very good place for you, so maybe you should give that time-travel idea a rest.

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12 Comments:

Blogger Jory Dayne said...

The prospects of a good Cringe readings aside, the CW will later pay you gold ingots for that shit! Amiright?

3:04 PM  
Blogger Jory Dayne said...

At the very least the Disney Channel. I mean then you'd prolly get a royalties from the resulting records, action figures, Wal-mart Posters.

3:05 PM  
Blogger Jory Dayne said...

Shit, G. Maybe you should still pitch that Beatles story.

3:08 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Oh my god, Jory -- that is a prospect too realistic to even ... I can't even go there. On the other hand: TRUCKLOADS of money.
Truck. loads.

4:12 PM  
Blogger Princess Sparkle Pants said...

How about also, it's NOT OKAY to have seen (and can quote) every episode of the Monkees. NOT OKAY.

7:48 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

I took that as a given, PSP. ;-)

7:40 AM  
Anonymous berwie said...

Whatever happened to Stacie Lee. And the British accent?? Not Hilarious....but neither was my perm. Yours didn't take...I am still struggling from the trauma of the 'fro I had.

9:34 AM  
Blogger Panda!!!! said...

I've recently been thinking about a Texas phenomenon called "mums" and I would appreciate your thoughts on these. We did not have these in CA, but they sound beautiful/horrific to me.

9:49 AM  
Blogger francine said...

MUMS. as a graduate of a texas high school with no less than 3,000 students, i can speak on these. larger number of mums translate to how popular you are. or how many clubs you are involved in. or how much your parents love you. or how much your boyfriend loves your blowjays. and how much crap you have hanging off them is even a more complicated issue. then there is the issue of using fake mums so that you can pin them all to your bedroom wall for posterity. oh god. mums. i could go on and on. mums and perms.

10:30 AM  
Blogger bethie said...

no, you did not just reference Stacie Lee...if you thought she was scary, imagine what the wee-ones, like me, thought.

10:36 AM  
Blogger Sarah B. said...

Obviously I love this post 100%.

11:12 AM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Berwie: I don't know ... maybe she'll google herself and stumble upon this humble blog?

Bethie: I know, right?

Francine & Panda: I believe I've just found my next post topic. Thanks to you both. And if I can find a scanner, there's a photo that'll make your eyes burn ...

Sarah B.: Obviously I love your comment 100%! :-)

11:58 AM  

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