Let not the unclean holidays be printed upon thy calendars, lest my wrath be loosed upon thee.

OK, Internets, I’ve sat on this one for awhile, half-assedly plotting my brilliant rejoinder to a recent letter in the Opinon pages (opinions are like assholes: everyone’s got one) of the Cowburg Klaxon (not its real name).

But I think I’m gonna have to give it up, and just post about it here. This is one of those wingnutty explosions of illogic that actually defies response — it’s not just unreasonable, it’s anti-Reason. It would be hilarious if not for the INCREDIBLE FUCKING STUPIDITY.

This demented lady — a frequent letter-writer of a dim but committed sort — starts off talking about how much she loves calendars, has em all over her house and in her purse and themed ones in the fuckin bathroom, etc. And but oh nooooo!

This year when I purchased my calendars it was very different. What is usually a joy for me turned out to be very trying and forced me to take a stance on what I believe as an individual.

What happened? Was a calendar advertised as “baby bears” actually full of young beefy hairy guys in assless chaps? Do tell!

I purchased my desk calendar from Wal-Mart and brought it home. After I placed it on my desk, I realized there were Moslem holidays on my calendar.

Holy shit. Moslem holidays. MY EYYYYYYYYYYEEEES!

The bim “thought about taking it back,” because “after all this is Decatur, Texas, not Iraq or Deerfield, Mich.,” but decided to just scribble out all the heathen towelhead holidays with her Pen of Righteousness instead. Then she went back to Wal-Mart and bought two more calendars — horsie ones this time, wheee! — but THEY HAD “MOSLEM” HOLIDAYS IN THEM TOO!!! What if Jesus came by her place to Rapture her up, but spied the “Moslem” holidays in her calendar, and thought to himself, “Fuck her, I ain’t Rapturin anybody who’d allow a calendar (pre-printed by a global corporation seeking to reach its largest possible audience) displaying dates important to people who don’t believe in My divinity to hang on her wall! This bitch unclean.”

I love it, too, that she claims she’s not prejudiced AT ALL, and isn’t “against the Moslem people,” she just doesn’t want to have their dirty-ass America-hating holidays written in tiny print on her calendars. I’m sure she’s equally incensed by mentions of Chinese New Year, May Day, Purim and St. Patrick’s Day. Think about it: What if she had to write her white grandbabies’ precious birthdays down on a square shared by “Ramadan begins?” They’d be tainted for life, that’s what.

She’s threatening to boycott for life all calendars from Wal-Mart, and all calendars made by “the Meade Corporation which printed [them],” and asserts that Wal-Mart should consider who they’re selling to. And this is the kicker:

I realize it is not politically correct for Christians to speak out in this day and time, but who wants to be politically correct anyway?

This old chestnut again. Oh MAN, the wingnuts love “politically correct.” They love it so much they want to take it out behind the middle school and get it pregnant. Nobody else has said it for twenty fuckin years, but these blockheads can’t get enough of it.

And I love the sense of persecution, too — as a “Christian” (many of whom frankly I doubt Christ would recognize as such, should he return someday), this lady is in the overwhelming majority in her community and state, with the mainstream media and the entire apparatus of local, state and federal government at her beck and call for six-plus years and counting. Yet she and others like her persist in pretending to oppression and claiming downtrodden, reviled underclass status. It’s amazing, the pretzels their minds will twist themselves into, ain’t it?