There is no way to explain the terror I felt when I finally lunged up to the clerk and began babbling.

Random Stories About My Dad, Vol. 2: Things Not to Say to My Dad, and Why Not to Say Them

DON'T SAY:
"Where's Sara Orleanna?"
WHY NOT: 
It's none of your business where my wife is, nor why she is not present at this moment. And if that's not what you're asking -- if this is, as is most likely, just a way of making small talk -- don't do that. I don't do small talk. If you're genuinely inquiring as to my family's welfare, you best phrase it differently, Jack, cause all you did there was piss me off.

DON'T SAY: 
[via telephone, when it is you who has called my house]: "Who's this?"
WHY NOT: 
You called me, Bubba, and it ain't your lookout who's answering my phone. The proper way to begin a telephone call that you initiated is, "Hello. This is Bubba Joe Ewing. May I speak with Harper, please?"


DON'T SAY: 
[via telephone]: "Is Harper there?"
WHY NOT: 
Maybe, maybe not. What rude asshole is asking, and why do they think they deserve to know the whereabouts of my daughter?


DON'T SAY:
"Whatchall doin' this Saturday?"
WHY NOT: 
It exactly zero concern of yours what plans my family does or does not have this Saturday or any other time. If you are asking this intrusive question preparatory to making a social invitation, you should instead present your query thusly: "Ellen May and I are gonna fry up a mess of catfish this Saturday afternoon. Would you all like to come?" And really -- better to make your invitations via the mail (which doesn't put me on the spot) or in person to my wife, because social shit is most properly a lady's purview.

DON'T SAY: 
[at the table, as my waitress] "Y'all still workin on that?", "SOMEbody sure was hungry!" or anything unrelated to whether or not you may be of service at this time. 
WHY NOT:
My progress through my meal is none of your business. When I want your waitressing attentions, I will signal you to action. Meanwhile, kiss off, Sweetcheeks.

DON'T SAY:
"I'm Bubba Joe Ewing."
WHY NOT: 
Your name is Bubba Joe Ewing. YOU are not Bubba Joe Ewing.

DON'T SAY:
[adult] "Hi, Rob."
WHY NOT:
My name is Robert.


DON'T SAY:
[person under 21, or any age person who is offspring of adult friend] "Hi, Rob." OR "Hi, Robert."
WHY NOT:
My name is Mr. Fox.


NB: For most of these, it ain't like he'd cut you, or else throw a big hissyfit right in front of you at Easter dinner or anything, but the rules were the rules and if you broke them he would think less of you. Except for that last one. The quickest way to get your teenage ass banned from our house (and most particularly banned from dating me or my sister) was to act like Dad was your pal, your equal, your buddy. Don't do it man, just don't.