Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Sapping all of our precious bodily fluids

Who are these paranoid delusional submentals who are sent into a sweaty belligerent ignorance-frenzy by the idea of filling out the fucking census?

I mean, I know who they are – they’re what used to be the Unabomber fringe element, the dozen or so backwoods crazies, but over the past decade or so the fringe has become the base and they’ve been whipped into an ever-growing tornado of shouty spittly ignorance by the likes of the pustulent swine-shits Limbaugh, Beck, Hannity, et. al., and we are now to the point in this terrible freakshow that there is a significant number of actual American citizens who think that being asked to tell anyone in the government how many people live in their house is the basest, most egregious and horrifying outrage ever perpetrated on free men. Holy Chinese-made-sweatpants-wearing, Funyun-eating SHATNER, y’all.

A few fun facts, Census-deniers:

1) Barack Obama did not invent the census.
2) The census does not exist for the purposes of separating the socialists from the Righteous True Americans. (That would be the Rapture. Y'all should get ready. It's going to be awesome.)
3) The census envelope does not contain a poison which will become aerosolized and kill your family when you open it.*
4) It does not actually wound Barack Obama OR Nancy Pelosi in any personal or significant way if you burn, tear, or rend asunder your census form, or send it back to the government unread with a large ugly word fingerpainted on the front in freshly-shot deer’s blood, so you can save that energy and put it towards making some more misspelled dumbshit protest signs for the next teabag party.

*Too bad, eh?

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Blogger francine said...

i am so behind in reading you! without work, i find myself not on the internets for 10 hours a day anymore and i'm falling behind in all the important things. such as blogs. please know that you are one of the bright spots for me at midnight and again at 4am and sometimes at 7 or 8am, etc.

9:32 PM  
Blogger Twelve said...

I encourage all the wingnuts to eschew the census. Losing federal funding (and, gasp, maybe even a congressional representative) for their hometowns may help them see things differently in 2020.

Side note: doesn't "2020" seem impossibly futuristic? Where's my damn flying car?

8:09 AM  

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