Monday, January 11, 2010

Not even a thin layer of gabardine!

There’s a guy I know who has a thing about “BART pants,” as in, the pants you wear while riding BART: Any pants you wore on BART cannot also sit on your home furniture. You have to change clothes before you sit on the couch.

Now, this rule, and indeed the very concept of BART pants, came up in conversation at work about five years ago, and this bunch of us who used to have lunch together laughed our fucking FACES off at the time and have continued to bring it up again and again over the years – but no one, and least of all me, could deny the truth and also the practical necessity of the BART pants rule.

Because, people: BART is fucking horrible. The seats are all cloth … unsterilizable, un-wipeable woven cloth that’s been in use for decades. Decades of SHATNER-KNOWS-WHAT getting rubbed into them – general Homeless Person Funk, specific human body emissions material (whether in gas, liquid, or solid form), various cooties and vermin, substances which cling to the bodies and clothing of persons from twelve-cat or ferret/snake households, etc. Cleaning is a joke – there’s not a seat or a seatback untouched by a Mystery Stain, a schmear of something it really doesn’t bear thinking about if you don’t want to turn into some sort of housebound manic phobic who bathes in hand sanitizer and shaves her head to make it easier to do a full decon every hour on the hour.

So this past weekend, you get a bunch of dumbasses think it’s funny to go pantless on BART, as part of a worldwide super-hilare stunt of riding transit sans pantalones.



Jesus H. W. SHATNER in a frilly metallic thong with the hairy bits hangin out, y’all!

First of all: Are you people STUPID or something? Do you know what you’re exposing yourselves to? Did you give this any fucking thought at all?

Secondly: Do you numbnuts idiots have any idea what you’re exposing US to? Innocent citizens – working, taxpaying motherfuckers – forced to share airspace with your junkular regions! I don’t live in a nudist colony or goddamn Brazil or wherever for a reason, you exhibitionist fucktards! Find another way to get your jollies. GOD!

Labels: , , , , , ,


Blogger Panda!!!! said...

OMG. I need to hear what Mr. BART pants thinks of yesterday's shenanigans! I didn't even think of his reaction when I saw all those dumbasses with their bits hanging out yesterday.

Also, yes, coldness, here I come! (weird mixed emotions)

11:04 AM  
Anonymous Traceace said...

I think you need to bring a roll of plastic wrap, stand in front of chosen seat, delicately tear you off a piece and lay it down. then sit and twitch the remainder of the ride. fuck BART pants, get the BART shield! Can also be used as a form of contraception.

2:47 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home