Also: You sure do spend a lot of time churchin. Like, more than most, is all I'm sayin.

Further Things I Wish I Could Have Told My Sixteen-Year-Old Self, Not That I Would’ve Listened to Me

--Andre Agassi is not going to marry you.

--Nor is Charlie Sheen.

--Or River Phoenix.

--Definitely not George Harrison.

--And not John Lennon even if he were still alive.

--Sassy magazine is not going to pick you for their Reader-Produced Issue. Don't waste your time. Buncha too-cool-for-school bitches up in there, for real.

--You could do worse, wardrobe-wise, than the Heathers/Twin Peaks thing you got going. Actually that's pretty cool. Would you mind telling me where you stored that awesome green plaid miniskirt? Just, like, write a note or something. Put it in the top dresser drawer.

--There's a career, or at least a serious hobby, in writing those ad-hoc screeds of yours, which currently find outlets in more or less inappropriate places (the US Mail, the high school yearbook, the letters to the editor of the Hometowne Newspaper, actual essays for actual grades in school, etc.). It's called the Internets, it's a series of tubes, and despite your initial WTF? reaction to the very concept, and your failure to get an email address until 1997, you are going to LOVE IT.

--No, that Roxy Carmichael movie didn't make any sense to anybody else, either. Oh well, Winona looked good in it, and you got a lot of quotes out of it that you'll still be using, apropos of nothing and to absolutely NO ONE'S understanding, 21 years from now.

--"I didn't promise. I said I'd TRY NOT TO." See? Nobody on earth got that one, not even Winona. Heh.