Where are the Frog Brothers when you need them?
OK Internets, goddammit, can we please talk about Twilight for a second?
I know, you’re like, “JESUS H. W. SHATNER, not you, too?!” but take it easy. This is not one of those demoralizing confessions I sometimes throw out at y’all, thank the Pompous, Corseted One. This is where I ask you, seriously, what. the. fuck.
Over the year or so since I first heard of it, I’ve gone from “Not interested, thanks, I’m well past fourteen,” to “Huh, it’s that big a deal, eh? Whatever,” to “Guess I should check it out; after all, I scoffed at Harry Potter till I read it, and that shit fucking rules. Besides, I like YA fiction, done well.” So I had half a mind to stand around in a book store reading it when next I had the chance, but a girl next to me on the bus -- a cute 28-ish Asian woman in professional attire -- unwittingly spared me the effort. She was deeply into what I gather is the first of the series – and given the print size, I joined in with barely a need to conceal the fact that I was reading over her shoulder.
You GUYS. Come ON! Leaving out the fact that it’s about vampires*: There’s all this striding down corridors** and sighing and staring and abrupt turning*** and my god with the ADJECTIVES AND ADVERBS! It read like fanfic written by a teenage virgin – just leaden and overwrought and cringe-inducing, the kind of stuff a normal person would find buried in a footlocker in the attic of her parents’ house while home for her 20th high school reunion and realize with shocked and terrified glee that she had a GOLDEN GEM to present at the next Sarah Brown joint -- but instead, this Stephenie Meyer person (who can’t even spell her own name properly) is a multi-millionaire off of it. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
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*Which, for fuck’s sake, ladies, can we give this up as a Thing that’s supposed to be sexy? Didn’t Tom Cruise prove beyond doubt that it isn’t?
**Corridors? Seriously, corridors? In millennial America?
***On one’s heel, naturally. Is there any other way?
I know, you’re like, “JESUS H. W. SHATNER, not you, too?!” but take it easy. This is not one of those demoralizing confessions I sometimes throw out at y’all, thank the Pompous, Corseted One. This is where I ask you, seriously, what. the. fuck.
Over the year or so since I first heard of it, I’ve gone from “Not interested, thanks, I’m well past fourteen,” to “Huh, it’s that big a deal, eh? Whatever,” to “Guess I should check it out; after all, I scoffed at Harry Potter till I read it, and that shit fucking rules. Besides, I like YA fiction, done well.” So I had half a mind to stand around in a book store reading it when next I had the chance, but a girl next to me on the bus -- a cute 28-ish Asian woman in professional attire -- unwittingly spared me the effort. She was deeply into what I gather is the first of the series – and given the print size, I joined in with barely a need to conceal the fact that I was reading over her shoulder.
You GUYS. Come ON! Leaving out the fact that it’s about vampires*: There’s all this striding down corridors** and sighing and staring and abrupt turning*** and my god with the ADJECTIVES AND ADVERBS! It read like fanfic written by a teenage virgin – just leaden and overwrought and cringe-inducing, the kind of stuff a normal person would find buried in a footlocker in the attic of her parents’ house while home for her 20th high school reunion and realize with shocked and terrified glee that she had a GOLDEN GEM to present at the next Sarah Brown joint -- but instead, this Stephenie Meyer person (who can’t even spell her own name properly) is a multi-millionaire off of it. Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
------------------------------------
*Which, for fuck’s sake, ladies, can we give this up as a Thing that’s supposed to be sexy? Didn’t Tom Cruise prove beyond doubt that it isn’t?
**Corridors? Seriously, corridors? In millennial America?
***On one’s heel, naturally. Is there any other way?
Labels: indignities of transit, Jesus H. Christ in a sidecar drinking tequila, things that sound great but really aren’t once you think about them, way too old for this kind of shit anymore
posted by Gleemonex at 10:53 AM
6 Comments:
Dude, I read about these books on Wikipedia just to see what the deal was and as far as I can tell it's all about werewolves fucking babies.
Not far from the impression I got, madam. ;-)
Ha! My sis is totally into these books!! I got into a nice conversation about them with a 12 year old girl on a flight recently. Funny thing is that she didn't seem all that impressed with the first book either. (She was only a few chapters in at the time)And that movie looks like a HUGE piece of crap.
I have little room to talk though. I *might* watch a certain new vampire show on Showtime. I said *might*!!
I too love Young Adult Fiction. Hot fucking stuff indeed. Glad to hear someone else finally admit it (I thought it was illegal in the States!). In fact, it's the only way I can get an erec--what's that? That's not the type of fiction you were talking about? Oh, boy. This is embarrassing. Perhaps it's time I put down "A Separate Piece" and give "A Separate Peace" another shot...
Ladies and gentlemen, Spanish Johnny!
Oh, that Sarah Brown Cringe thingy sounds fucking amazing!
What's sad is that I recently found an old diary of mine and started reading at random and yes, I cringed. Then I checked the date. It was from the summer of 2005.
I was, in other words, 23, not 14.
That was fucking depressing.
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