In Bromstad We Trust
Internets, I’ve fallen down a few rabbit holes in my time – my Shatner, I lost an ENTIRE DAY to this Sarah Brown joint recently – but lately, Mr. Gleemonex and I have been absolutely mesmerized by HGfuckingTV.
We never channel-surf (we are TiVo people), but at some point a couple of weeks ago, the Happy Fun Box fell upon HGTV and we idly watched the second half of, I think, Designed to Sell ($2K budget to fix up some pathetic disorganized house to get people to buy it) while folding laundry, and then it kept rolling into this staging show (some chick makes you pick up all your broken-ass shit, buys you some area rugs to “define the space”), Property Virgins (first-time home buyers gradually downgrade their expectations, because like DUH!), My First Place (same, but more FAIL; both feature HILARIOUS prices in the Midwest and South and Arizona and whatnot, numbers that are hysterically, head-bashingly funny to the Gleemonexes, who no longer think $759K for an 1100-sf 3/2 is all that terribly outrageous [except that, of course, it is]), Deserving Design (Vern Yip brings pretty to the unpretty who do Good Work), Myles of Style (giggly gal throws together some real vivid hodgepodges, some of which are actually cute), My House is Worth What? (HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE), House Hunters (three houses, the rich douchebags always pick the one I like least), House Hunters International (amazing what $350K will get you in Spain), the one with that stupid big-fake-boobied Constance Ramos (she always just fucks up whatever was already there; Mr. Gleemonex will never forgive her for what she did to this one gorgeous coffee table), Divine Design (sweet bleeding Shatner does that woman like upholstery). We basically sank the weekend on this unholy shit, y’all. We don’t even own our own place – it’s like MIND CONTROL.
But anyway. We have our favorites now, you betcha we do. And the best – undeniably the most awesome – is Color Splash with David Bromstad. BROMSTAAAAAAD! God, we love this fucking guy. He … he knows things. He has talents, he has vision, he has what seems to me a ridiculous mastery of serious technical construction shit – and as a former aspiring Disney illustrator, the man can just stand there in someone’s yard painting a big-ass piece of art, freehand, for them in double-time. It’s crazy. And the color combos – holy balls, is he good. I mean, sometimes it looks like it’s gonna be wheels-off, but he always makes it work, and you’re like, he’s a got-damned GEEENIEEUS. Yesterday, he zeroed in on a piece of glass tile and I was like, “Unnnnh … I don’t know about that one,” and Mr. Gleemonex goes “Shut up, it’s Bromstad,” and I was like, “You’re right. I trust the Bromstad.” And damned if it didn’t work!
So, to sum up: Yay Teevee!
We never channel-surf (we are TiVo people), but at some point a couple of weeks ago, the Happy Fun Box fell upon HGTV and we idly watched the second half of, I think, Designed to Sell ($2K budget to fix up some pathetic disorganized house to get people to buy it) while folding laundry, and then it kept rolling into this staging show (some chick makes you pick up all your broken-ass shit, buys you some area rugs to “define the space”), Property Virgins (first-time home buyers gradually downgrade their expectations, because like DUH!), My First Place (same, but more FAIL; both feature HILARIOUS prices in the Midwest and South and Arizona and whatnot, numbers that are hysterically, head-bashingly funny to the Gleemonexes, who no longer think $759K for an 1100-sf 3/2 is all that terribly outrageous [except that, of course, it is]), Deserving Design (Vern Yip brings pretty to the unpretty who do Good Work), Myles of Style (giggly gal throws together some real vivid hodgepodges, some of which are actually cute), My House is Worth What? (HAAAAAAAAAAAAATE), House Hunters (three houses, the rich douchebags always pick the one I like least), House Hunters International (amazing what $350K will get you in Spain), the one with that stupid big-fake-boobied Constance Ramos (she always just fucks up whatever was already there; Mr. Gleemonex will never forgive her for what she did to this one gorgeous coffee table), Divine Design (sweet bleeding Shatner does that woman like upholstery). We basically sank the weekend on this unholy shit, y’all. We don’t even own our own place – it’s like MIND CONTROL.
But anyway. We have our favorites now, you betcha we do. And the best – undeniably the most awesome – is Color Splash with David Bromstad. BROMSTAAAAAAD! God, we love this fucking guy. He … he knows things. He has talents, he has vision, he has what seems to me a ridiculous mastery of serious technical construction shit – and as a former aspiring Disney illustrator, the man can just stand there in someone’s yard painting a big-ass piece of art, freehand, for them in double-time. It’s crazy. And the color combos – holy balls, is he good. I mean, sometimes it looks like it’s gonna be wheels-off, but he always makes it work, and you’re like, he’s a got-damned GEEENIEEUS. Yesterday, he zeroed in on a piece of glass tile and I was like, “Unnnnh … I don’t know about that one,” and Mr. Gleemonex goes “Shut up, it’s Bromstad,” and I was like, “You’re right. I trust the Bromstad.” And damned if it didn’t work!
So, to sum up: Yay Teevee!
Labels: balls in YOUR mouth sir, booze makes things better, demoralizing confessions, douchebaggery, first-world problems, they ain't takin the TEE-vee, things that are great, unholy obsessions, yes Sensei
posted by Gleemonex at 10:35 AM
7 Comments:
Oooh - did anybody tell you about the House Hunters/Int'l House Hunters Drinking Game? Spilling Coffee has the rules pretty well defined: http://www.spillingcoffee.com/2008/07/01/house-hunters-drinking-game/. I cannot make Husband watch this with me (he's too busy watching Steven Seagal or some other ridiculously awful non-actor), but I have no real problem with drinking alone...
Oh, nice! Love that! Thanks for the link. ;-)
And to clarify: It's not that Mr. G. LIKES these shows. It's just that we're both SUCKED INTO THE VORTEX.
dude it was so bad I had house hunters AND designed to sell on the tivo. Yeah it was downhill for a while. but damn if I don't love that half pint Laporta, she is got some smarts of her own. a gradual taper and I was able to quit.
Apparently my dad and stepmom ONLY watch hgtv or style network now.
And what's awesome is to watch my husband watching me talk to my dad about a cornice board or fabric choice we really loved in that one "reveal."
I don't have cable so I was happily ignorant of HGTV. While at the emergency veterinarian last week, I caught two HGTV shows: one about average schlubs like me remodeling a house and one about average schlubs like me landscaping.
Now my inner idiot is convinced that I can replace a toilet, retile a floor, and run an in-ground sprinkler line thing-a-ma-bob all by myself. I must be stopped!
Bromstad is teh awesome. You are lucky to have been spared his first season. He was terrible on camera. Terrible, I tell you! And it was so sad to watch. He's cute, has a nice giggle, and he can decorate the shit out of anything. I wanted him to succeed. You can do eet, David.
Lisa LaPorta is my favorite Designed to Sell gal. "Clivey," she says. Pedersen just throws granite on everything; and she must spend like $10k on labor to get her outrageous projects done.
I love Candice Olson, that long-legged freak. Her Canadian folks were sooooo much better than this current crew incarnation. And the rooms that they used to makeover were more varied. Less 70s kitchen gets total overhaul and more terrible basement becomes livable space for 28-yr-old still living at home. Chico, the pint-sized painter, is the only one who got carried over.
Anywho. Yes, I enjoy HGTV far more than I should. What? Me? Unemployed? How'd you know?
I think Chico is my other fave rave. Gotta love the Chico!
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