I wanna be a veterinarian, cause I'm like really good with children

Y’all hear about that dizzy twat Elisabeth Hasselbeck making noises about wanting to leave The View? Something something waaah they’re mean to me. Listen honey: You don’t know from mean. “Mean” isn’t a bunch of Jewish grandmothers talking louder than you on daytime Teevee, trust me. Good luck finding another job where you get paid a fuckton of money to sit around and look pretty while you spout illogical and depraved Republican nonsense … wait. FOX, duh. (Curses, foiled again!)

Whatever, I hate The View so much – even accidentally seeing a 20-second clip affects me like the trailer for Nights in Rodanthe – it makes me feel like I’ve grown an extra vagina or three, like I have to rush out and buy some curtains, some Mom Jeans, some frozen entrees and a couple of douche products for that not-so-fresh feeling.

Their group evisceration of Wheels-Off McCain the other day gave me seeeerious internal conflict – it was sofa king awesome, they all (minus the lovely Missus Hasselbeck) redeemed themselves forever, and now I can no longer wish them and their whole enterprise ill.