Thursday, September 18, 2008

I need your teeth … for the Federal Reserve!

[headline apropos of something over on dooce that y’all should also watch]

Internets, this little music vid is the whitest thing I’ve seen in years, and certainly the most heart-stoppingly funny thing I’ve seen since “Ostrich feathers, anyone?” Instead of embedding it, I’m gonna link to the blog were my friend Lebowski found it, because the guy’s commentary is hilarious and I wouldn’t want you fine folks to miss a single ounce of hilare.

ZAP!

[You’ll get it after you watch the vid.]

OK but so this got me thinking about one of my Really Serious Confoundments: Why does Christian music suck so much? Because seriously: It sucks. It sucks the big hairy Shatner. And you all know it. Even the people who listen to it have to, on some deep secret level, know it. Major points as to why:

--It’s so fucking earnest. You don’t goof around or joke about the Big JC, I guess. You have to sing everything in this voice-trained unaccented churchy tone, usually with eyes closed or raised heavenward, often with tears just about to squeeze out.

--It’s so clean. Ain’t no dirty fuzz or weird e-bow or whiskey fumes, no sense of a dark club with sticky floors or a seventeenth cigarette stubbed out just before they got to the chorus. Everybody hits their marks and plays this generic elevator bullshit with solid competence, and nobody’s ever yearning for anything but a seamless take on the synth drum track.

--It’s got to have whole sentences and paragraphs. The words are always like they’re reading out of The Purpose-Driven Life or some other pile of xtian “living your faith” crapola, or sometimes the bible if they want to get all old-school on us. This does not make for a catchy little ditty, people.

--It’s got to have at least one of the following words in each line: praise, worship, faith, Lord, Him, Christ, God, me, lift, uplift, cleanse, save. Too many Required Elements can really fuck up your program.

--It’s made by and for people who really don’t actually care about music. Probably you could get away with any or all of the above, but this last one’s the real killer. They need sounds for the part of the service where people are supposed to stand up and sway, and this aural Jell-O does the trick.

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4 Comments:

Blogger Twelve said...

"He taught me how to praise my God/
And still play rock and roll."

Uh...no.

9:52 AM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

haaaaaaaaaaaa! exactly, Twelve. Exactly.

11:08 AM  
Blogger bgirl said...

to summarize:

Christian Rock, It's God Awful.

9:35 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

ha!

8:51 AM  

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