Misanthropy and an unwillingness to kiss Probst's ass

OK, still on the Survivor topic, but not on the current season per se – just on the concept in general. Having watched every episode since Episode One, Season One, I’ve always wondered how I would do if someone forced me (and it would have to be at gunpoint) to be on the show.

I think I would probably suck at it, in a possibly epic way. Here’s why;

1) I. Don’t. Camp. I mean, I do not indulge in the camping arts, at all. So much aggro and hassle and dirt, and for what payoff? I’m not so in love with sleeping on the ground and dragging a bunch of equipment across Nature’s hostile bosom (while actually feeling my armpit hairs grow) that I’ll risk getting mauled by bears, bugs, Satan’s eight-legged buddies, shotgun-toting murderers or, of course, Sasquatch (who’s probably only looking for a fwend, but I’m not up for that in the middle of a lightless night, chief). And this is with people I like, presumably – forget trying it with 15 strangers, some of whom I’d undoubtedly like to whack to death with a ballpeen hammer by Minute Four.

2.) I hate people. Well, not you guys, of course – but people in general. And I can only hold it together for so long without that becoming apparent, you know? I’d spend a good 75% of my time ranting to the cameras about what princesses/divas/assholes/blowhards/jackoffs my teammates were, and how I’d like to whack them to death with ballpeen hammers … while back at camp, the rest of them plotted against the Rilly Mean Bitch (aka me).

3.) I am kind of a wimp. I just flat ain’t doing the Gross Eating Challenge, I’d rather not stand on a post the size of a pub coaster for four hours to win immunity, I can’t do puzzles of any kind under pressure – about the only kind of challenge I’d be any good at would involve shooting or maybe balance. Or, hey – spelling! I can spell like a motherfucker. Let me know when THAT wins the million bucks, eh?

4.) I’m bossy. Now, I’d try to go with the flow, especially if I sussed out that that was necessary for social reasons, but laziness and incompetence light fires of fiery flame back behind my eyesockets and to avoid total brain incineration I’d eventually have to, as they say, “take the leadership role,” which is almost always fatal in the game, no matter how gently done (sole exception: Yul Kwon).

5.) I’ve already been to junior high once. It sucked great big hairy donkey balls, and I’m not going to do it again.