Glurge: Or, What’s Really Wrong with America

Internets, I had the misfortune of having to watch TV in real time this weekend (a baseball game we forgot to set the TiVo for, and so picked up in about the 4th inning and immediately began screaming about how the fuck are you guys actually gonna SPLIT a series with the TAMPA BAY DEVIL RAYS, screw you guys, you don’t DESERVE to make the playoffs, which rant was thankfully premature and unfounded).

So I ended up seeing a really, really horrible commercial, the kind that makes you question whether you, or all the rest of them, are the intergalactic auslander: KFC boneless “chick’n” wings.

Good GOD, people. Have you seen this commercial, or Shatner forbid, the actual item (in the, ah, “flesh,” as it were)? It’s these … sort of … nuggety things, formed to kind of look like the unholiest of chicken parts, the wing (now THERE’S something that’s a lot more ag than it’s worth — the chicken wing, christ). And you’re supposed to dunk them in this reddish-brown MSG/sodium/Doberman-slobber potion they’re calling BBQ sauce, and — get this — put them in your mouth. Chew, swallow, repeat.

Not even the drunkest wino in the Fort Worth Stockyards at 4:30 a.m. on a Sunday morning in the year 1980 would eat this shit, even if you told him it was a fried apricot pie made by his sainted Gran and gave him a fresh pint of MD 20/20 to warsh it down with.