Mister April

I am on record, many times over, with my hatred for the man, the myth, the sucktacular legend Alex “Choke Specialist 1st Class” Rodriguez, aka Suck-Rod, aka A-Hole. I hated him from way back when he was on the Mariners, showboating and grandstanding in an OK team in a cruddy division, getting lauded for being the Greatest Player Ever in the History of Organized Sport; I hated him when the Rangers fell for his snowjob and paid the most ridiculous salary ever; I’ve hated him more with every passing day that he has been a Yankee, fucking up the team’s chemistry, sucking up money, booting play after play after motherscratching play when it counts most — I never wanted him, I hate that we have him, and I’d gladly kill him with my own bare hands to keep him from playing another day in my beloved pinstripes.

So it is with mixed feelings that I see his performance so far this season. He’s homering like they’re gonna outlaw it tomorrow, which, yay for him and I don’t mind the Ws adding up. But I also hate hate hate it, because soon enough — mark my words — he’ll go so cold he’ll reverse global warming all by himself, and this is likely to happen DURING THE PLAYOFFS. Like always. Jesus H.