What you need is 4 inches of bod, and a great birthday.

Apparently, the Slut-o-Matic 5000 has been turned up to 11, because while mere days ago, young April was a doughy-butted LL Bean Outlet type (future music major at a small weird college, probably eventually getting laid most unsatisfactorily by her bearded douchebag of a Music Theory TA), now that she’s turned sixteen, artistic genius and hip, with-it lady Lynn Johnston is drawing her as The Next Pussycat Doll. I mean, kapow! the day after the poor girl’s birthday, she's all hott and hairsprayed and rolling her uniform skirt up to her biscuit, the way she used to judge Becky (aka “Roadside”) for doing. Whether this is the effect of the drunken teen 2nd- and possibly 3rd-base rollaround with Gerald that she totally got away with last weekend, or if LJ just thinks this is really what happens to girls on That Most Magical of Birthdays, is anyone’s guess. Me, I just looked like the same spiral-permed, wannabe-hippie, Methodist Youth Fellowshipping overachiever I was the day before …
But I see that the kids at skewl are still sharing the 50s with our Lynn, because Gerald has spread the word about his “score” and there’s all sorts of slackjawed leering going on. Will April go completely roadside now that her innocence is gone? Or will she toss the makeup, burn the slutwear, re-affix the sloppy ponytail, and crawl back, humbled, to accept her density? I mean … her destiny.