Wednesday, April 04, 2007

What you need is 4 inches of bod, and a great birthday.

Apparently, the Slut-o-Matic 5000 has been turned up to 11, because while mere days ago, young April was a doughy-butted LL Bean Outlet type (future music major at a small weird college, probably eventually getting laid most unsatisfactorily by her bearded douchebag of a Music Theory TA), now that she’s turned sixteen, artistic genius and hip, with-it lady Lynn Johnston is drawing her as The Next Pussycat Doll. I mean, kapow! the day after the poor girl’s birthday, she's all hott and hairsprayed and rolling her uniform skirt up to her biscuit, the way she used to judge Becky (aka “Roadside”) for doing. Whether this is the effect of the drunken teen 2nd- and possibly 3rd-base rollaround with Gerald that she totally got away with last weekend, or if LJ just thinks this is really what happens to girls on That Most Magical of Birthdays, is anyone’s guess. Me, I just looked like the same spiral-permed, wannabe-hippie, Methodist Youth Fellowshipping overachiever I was the day before …
But I see that the kids at skewl are still sharing the 50s with our Lynn, because
Gerald has spread the word about his “score” and there’s all sorts of slackjawed leering going on. Will April go completely roadside now that her innocence is gone? Or will she toss the makeup, burn the slutwear, re-affix the sloppy ponytail, and crawl back, humbled, to accept her density? I mean … her destiny.



Blogger Sarah said...

This was beautiful.

You ask the universe, and the universe gives.

I really hope she just takes off that fur-collared shrug soon. You know it's getting stuck in her lipgloss.

9:39 AM  
Blogger srah said...

April is roadside. She's a gig.

No, actually, they probably just made out. This is FOOBland, after all. If she had "been there" we would have all had to learn a lesson (not about birth control or anything useful, but maybe about how Men and Non-Pattersons Are Evil). Oh wait, Gerald is evil anyway. And Granthony isn't a Patterson... YET!

10:31 AM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

In the words of the poet Bryan Adams, Sarah, "Everything I do / I do it for you."

srah, I WISH Granthony were a Patterson -- his candidacy could then be scotched because the law prohibits incest, yo. Even in Canada. I think.

10:38 AM  
Blogger Lisa Ann said...

I read FBOW pretty faithfully (loser) and was all WTF? when April underwent her "slutification" ... and hell, I lost my virginity well before my 16th bday.

11:03 AM  
Blogger Sarah said...

Okay I just realized I had a dream that there was a new suitor introduced for Liz, some hot young children's book author, and in my dream I came here to comment that I thought he was the dark horse.


12:19 PM  
Blogger large said...

Jesus Christ in a hole! I love you!

3:21 PM  
Blogger Forsoothsayer said...

i am dying to know who these characters are. is this some tv show i don't watch?

4:13 AM  
Blogger Forsoothsayer said...

my bad...better googling next time. never heard of this strip, and i lived in canada for ages and everything.

4:18 AM  

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