Friday, March 30, 2007

Still wasted from the party last niiiiiigh

I am — or was at one time — a certified bartender, and one of the handy tips they taught us in class was: If someone orders a Sex on the Beach, or a Slow Comfortable Screw (whether Up Against the Wall or not), card them immediately, for they are almost certainly underage.

Man, that was a fun class.

OK, so, apropos of that advice, an article on today’s sfgate about Spring Break drinks. Now, your Gleemonex never “did” Spring Break in the MTV sense — I’ve never darkened the door of Senor Frog’s, never passed out in cheek-peeker shorts and a wet T-shirt on a bar top, never been hauled in for PI with sand and Midori in my ears, never had to call for legal help and bail money from a Tijuana jail unlike some people I know … that scene has always looked like a total nightmare to me, a date-rape-and-a-hangover waiting to happen. Plus, I spent most of my spring breaks in my dorm room, writing 40-page research papers and catching up on 2,000 pages of reading for midterms and suchlike while the cold and sleet whipped the windows. As Artie Lange would say, “WAAAAAAH.”

And this article reminds me why I hate young drinkers so goddamn much. All these asshole kids going to the bars where asshole kids hang out, ordering what their rookie friends order — beverages which are routinely terrible and/or trendy, which — ugh, grow up already. I like bars where the patrons are late 20s and up, people who know what they like and match the drink to the occasion, and aren’t constantly, tiresomely on the hunt for tail.

God, could I sound any MORE like a crotchety old lady? Who cares. Damn kids, get off my lawn!

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Blogger HHL said...

hmmm. for some reason i think that tijuana comment was a shot at me.

unlike you, young gleemonex, i have some spring break tales that would make yer ears melt. can say for certain without bothering to think about it too much, that i never once spent my spring break catching up on reading or term papers. demonstrating such an adult-ish sense of responsibility and concern for (or even awareness of) my future beyond college would have been completely out of character for me at that point in time. possibly the reason that a not-insignificant percentage of my law school apps were rejected into the fifth row of seats by admissions personnel who were concerned with such things as "grades".

but, while i completely agree, nowadays, that the late 20s and up bars are superior in almost every conceivable way (the exception being their tendency to be devoid of smoking hot, barely dressed, early 20s eye candy), back in the day your college meat-market type bars unquestionably had their place (though i've always been one to eschew drinks with the whole cornucopia-of-fruit theme, and, frankly, any drink more complicated than liquor+ice).

4:26 PM  
Blogger asia said...

You never did those things but you certainly flashed for girls gone wild didnt you? What is college without a little exploitation?

I was a bartender for a few years too and when people ordered those drinks, the sexes on the beaches and long sloe comfortable skrews and whatever, I always gave them some juice, triple sec and whatever i grabbed from the well first. They dont know the difference.

10:12 PM  
Blogger srah said...

I didn't have any wild spring breaks either, so I went through my Sex on the Beach and Long Island Iced Tea phase in grad school.

7:46 AM  
Blogger Melanie said...

i hear you. i missed that whole thing altogether myself, as by the time i was 21 i had a toddler and going out to bars would have involved heroic amounts of planning and coordination. but nowadays when i go by a bar at closing time and see everyone piling out into the parking lot, i find myself thinking "those girls can't POSSIBLY be old enough to drink. what are they doing out so late? aren't their parents paying attention?" so, yeah, old. also with the going clothes shopping and hating everything in the store, and finding modern shoes disturbing, and modern music irritating because it's just a lame rehash of all the awesome stuff that came out in the 70's and 80's.

but hey, at least feathered hair is kinda cool again. and i've had two extra decades to master it this time.

6:31 AM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Awww, HHL! Not a dig, at all -- I use your war stories to boost my street-cred-by-proxy all the time. You took more than a few for the team, back in the day. ;-)

Tell me more about spring break, bartending and crotchetiness, y'all -- these tales warm my cold black heart!

9:04 AM  
Blogger Forsoothsayer said...

canada doesn't have spring break, it has "reading week", which is in february when it is too damn cold to go anywhere in the northern hemisphere. there's no choice BUT to read. a couple of my spring breaks i lived in egypt, and those were good times in a totally non boob-flashing way....

i think i was trying to say that i order sex on the beaches even though i am 24 years old. but i did start when i was 18 :) which is legal drinking age in a lot of canada!

4:23 AM  

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