Well, what I wanna know is, where's MY stuff?

Sorry for disappearing, y'all -- Work/Life Balance, as it is HILARIOUSLY called around my office, got way the fuck out of whack, and then we went to the Olde Hometowne for some Thanksgiving good times -- but now I'm back so let's fucking PARTY.

Imaginary Excerpts From the House Style Guide for Southern Living Magazine

--Each article must contain at least one, and preferably half a dozen, "as Southern as ... " similies. Options for the "as" include but are not limited to: pecan pie, family get-togethers, iced tea, family, grandmother's fried chicken, yam pie, family recipes, old Chevy trucks, the flag, the Grand Ole Opry, tradition, traditional recipes, church, going to church, family pews at church, Sunday dinner. Unacceptable: government teat-sucking, abstinence-only sex-ed, redneck jackassery.

--If you must depict or discuss persons of brown coloring, ensure that they are shown in a service capacity, and that they display large friendly unthreatening smiles.

--Be sure to refer to Appendix A for explanation of our preferred code words, especially "heritage" and "whimsical."

--If your Design-focused article features a Gay (as surely they sometimes will, because the Gays are so delightful, with their design sense!), you must not refer to his housemate as "partner" more than once. Avoid using entirely, if possible. Photos must not depict a Gay touching or being near enough to touch another man, whether or not that man is himself also a Gay.

--When speaking of Family, the tone must be both reverent and intimate. Photographs must feature two parents (opposite gender only) and at least two minor children, unless the topic is a Family Business, in which case multi-generational photographs are acceptable.

--Articles about food which do not include the word "decadent" will be stricken from the magazine and the author blacklisted in perpetuity.