Nobody’s payin you to THINK, Son! I want that piece of paper on my desk before you leave here today.

Things That Are Awesome, In Which My Integritah Is Not Compromised By These Endorsements Because None Of These Products Or Services Are Aware Of My Existence, Much Less Paying Me To Pimp Their Shit Out To Y’all:

--Victoria’s Secret BioFit bra. People, THIS is what I have been fucking talking about. Different engineering for the busty girls, not just bigger versions of the same thing you mosquito-bite people can get away with. And it looks hawt too, not “corrective” or “orthopedically fashionable.” Since seventh grade I’ve been looking for this, and now I’ve found it. Vickybaby, I take back all the snide shit I’ve said over the years. Do whatever you want. This bra makes the rest of it okely-dokely all-squaresies.

--Sugar Free Red Bull. Ten calories, Shatner-only-knows-what chemicals. Tastes like a couple of stale Sprees dissolved in flat Sprite, but who cares, there’s only 8.4 ounces to pour down your face-hole at once, and it makes the Tired go away.

--Stonyfield Farms’ OIKOS organic Greek-style yogurt, in Honey. Thirty-plus years I’ve been all “meh” about yogurt. Well, meh-to-negative – too much sugar for not much payoff, unpleasant texture, requires spoon so isn’t really “to-go” food, not filling, either too many calories or too much weird aspartame shit to justify itself either way. But this stuff is FUCKING AWESOME. Filling, satisfying, all-natural, and delicious.

--Blurb.com. I recently made a hardback book on there – a yearbook, to chronicle the past 11 years for some friends who’ve recently moved out of state – and everything about the experience was fabulous, plus the book looks amazing. Top quality, very reasonable prices, on-time delivery.

--SitterCity.com. I used to babysit when I was a teenager – I got the jobs mostly through church (shut up, I used to always go to church). Now that I have a kid, I occasionally need babysitters. But where to find them, and how to know they’re not lunatics or space aliens or human traffickers? I have no family nearby, haven’t been to church since my wedding in April 1999, and I never even cross paths with any teenagers except the dirtbag boys who live next door. Enter SitterCity. People, this site is the kind of thing for which the whole entire goddamn Internets were invented.

--Burn Notice. The Gleemonex household is currently blazing through the entire previous season on TiVo, preparatory to joining the new season currently in progress, and although all the Miami exteriors are sort of giving me the fantods about global warming (that entire city is TOAST when the shit goes down), holy flaming SHATNER is this show awesome! So, so, SO much fun. And clever, and cool, and hott, and Bruce-Campbell-riffic.