Viggo Mortensen, Daniel Day-Lewis Join Cast of Deadwood: The Musical – On Ice!

No, not really – they were just dressed that way last night at the Oscars. Although how freakishly awesome would that actually be?

First of all, can I tell you how deeply chagrined I am that that alleged Diablo Cody person’s Oscar win is going to legitimize the cause of annoying-ass attention whores the world over? (Not to mention regular whores, if her alleged bio is to be believed.) Way to flaunt stupid ugly tattoos and wear a stupid ugly housedress that blows out to reveal your lady bidness when you walk, you twerp.

Also, I would like to ask you all: What is up with the plethora of dark, plain, severe eveningwear on the ladies? Wearing all black all the time because I’m too fashion-retarded to deal with colors – um, I mean, because black is how I feel on the inside – is MY thing, folks. Y’all are supposed to have stylists and whatnot to tell you that you look old, pinched and uncomfortable crammed into that black Ace bandage of a dress (Jennifer Garner, Hilary Swank, Laura Linney, et. al.).

Also, don’t y’all think even Jack Nicholson is tired of Jack Nicholson by now? Also: Patrick Dempsey is still the dork from Can’t Buy Me Love (always & forever), Cameron Diaz is still a waste of space (why is she invited to this, again?), Cotillard’s mermaid getup looked like a motel bedspread, The Clooney could power a thousand suns with his Handsome Wattage, Keri Russell is too thin, Ruby Dee maaay have had some work done, Zellwegger’s still as boring and shrewy as always, good LORD is Helen Mirren cool, and the fact that that douchebag Travolta got a second shot at a career? That’s on YOU, Quentin Tarantino. And you’ll pay for it someday. Oh yes you will.