Bumpuses! Aaaaiiiiigh!
So I just ordered a 22-pound turkey for Xmas Day. It’s going to feed me, my husband, his parents, our brother-in-law, and our 3-year-old niece; the 5-year-old nephew and husband’s sister will not be partaking. Twenty-two pounds for five people — although I only eat the white meat (get that turkey leg away from me, fool!), so it’s actually fewer than five.
So why the 22 pounds? Cause bitch, I like leftovers.
For real, the second-most-essential ingredient to purchase in the holiday meal plan is white bread, for a week’s worth of sammiches. Some heathens argue that other things go on the sammich — e.g. the unholiest of unholies (lettuce), or, say, leftover dressing. They are wrong. It’s white bread, generous mayo, and turkey turkey turkey.
I will also be attempting to refine my dressing — it is based on the incomplete idea of the recipe made by my grandmother, who passed away a few years ago. It may surprise you, Internets, but my cold black heart does have a few warm pockets, and one of those is my Grammy. Her “thing” was cooking for us, and MAN could she cook. A style all her own, its origins in the old-skool farm, with butter (you don’t want to know how much!), fried things, pies to knock your knees out from under you — and this dressing.
As one of the favorite grandkids (me, bro & sis were the kids of the Favored Son), and one who spent huge chunks of my first 25 years at her house, I got a great many of the Secrets of The Cooking, more than did any of the other grandkids (she told my cousin that the recipe for her heartstopping pecan pie was “just what it says on the back of the Karo syrup bottle”).
But she didn’t tell me everything. She had to work for 50 years to develop all this — she wasn’t just going to HAND it to me. I respect that.
So I’ve spent the last nine holiday seasons working on it — I’m getting closer … I’ll be closer still, this weekend …
What’s that? You want to know what’s in it? Well, Internets, like Grandmother, I’m not tellin. All I’ll say is there’s no auslander shit in there like raisins, or nuts, no weird spices or foccaccia crumbles. Never you mind — it’s moist, it’s rich, it’s one of the best things my grandmother left me. Maybe someday you can have some if’n you’re over at my place for the holidays.
So why the 22 pounds? Cause bitch, I like leftovers.
For real, the second-most-essential ingredient to purchase in the holiday meal plan is white bread, for a week’s worth of sammiches. Some heathens argue that other things go on the sammich — e.g. the unholiest of unholies (lettuce), or, say, leftover dressing. They are wrong. It’s white bread, generous mayo, and turkey turkey turkey.
I will also be attempting to refine my dressing — it is based on the incomplete idea of the recipe made by my grandmother, who passed away a few years ago. It may surprise you, Internets, but my cold black heart does have a few warm pockets, and one of those is my Grammy. Her “thing” was cooking for us, and MAN could she cook. A style all her own, its origins in the old-skool farm, with butter (you don’t want to know how much!), fried things, pies to knock your knees out from under you — and this dressing.
As one of the favorite grandkids (me, bro & sis were the kids of the Favored Son), and one who spent huge chunks of my first 25 years at her house, I got a great many of the Secrets of The Cooking, more than did any of the other grandkids (she told my cousin that the recipe for her heartstopping pecan pie was “just what it says on the back of the Karo syrup bottle”).
But she didn’t tell me everything. She had to work for 50 years to develop all this — she wasn’t just going to HAND it to me. I respect that.
So I’ve spent the last nine holiday seasons working on it — I’m getting closer … I’ll be closer still, this weekend …
What’s that? You want to know what’s in it? Well, Internets, like Grandmother, I’m not tellin. All I’ll say is there’s no auslander shit in there like raisins, or nuts, no weird spices or foccaccia crumbles. Never you mind — it’s moist, it’s rich, it’s one of the best things my grandmother left me. Maybe someday you can have some if’n you’re over at my place for the holidays.
posted by Gleemonex at 10:43 AM
4 Comments:
I just read your, "You generally don't see that kind of behavior in a major appliance." comment on Sarah's blog and had to let you know that it made coffee, hot coffee, shoot out my nose.
Thanks a lot!
;)
LETTUCE on yer after-holly-daze sammich? What idiot suggests that?? Lemmie at 'em! lemmie at 'em!!
Oh, and the bread HAS to be "Oosh Bread"-- Wonder or Sunbeam or some other fluffy stuff. Get that whole wheat stuff away from me, foo'!!
Sarah Brown rules, don't she?
Big Orange: exactly. The bread must have as little nutritional value as possible. oooshy.
Tu/11-25-2008/10:32PM EST US. Just gotta mention Jean Shepherd and the Bumpuses. And Chinese "Christmas Turkey" with the head still on ... 'til chopped off. Flick lives and Excelsior. -Bob, a Shepherd fan.
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