Friday, August 13, 2010

The awesome and the puketastic

Internets, I have but two things to say to you today:

1)This man is a true American hero. I want him to be the mayor of Queens, the governor of California, and the Grand Marshal of the Macy Day Parade -- and henceforth, whenever I quit anything, it shall be with Master Steven Slater in mind: Some form of curse-riddled public address, a showy exit, and a coupla beers for the road (followed by hot sex till the cops get there). Fuck yeah!

2) Whereas this -- THIS -- makes me want to puke. Puke puke puke. Gaudy ribbons of lunch-flecked slurry, waves and eddies and snarls of it filling the corners and spattering the ceilings of all the rooms in all the world. Puuuuuuuuuuuke. I got it from one of my favorite sites on the Internets -- STFU Believers -- and am as yet unsure what part of it makes me puke most violently: the writing, or the point of the story.

--The writing: Like a ghostwriter for Stephenie Meyer, this shit. I've found that all these modern-day Xtian parables (which are 100% complete dingo diarrhea, btw) sound the same; there are people who "give" "slow chuckles," they're always smiling and saying things "gently" (general abuse of adverbs is a habit with this crowd), and the tone -- oh the tone. Perky, earnest, clean, full of overwrought symbolism -- it makes me want to go on a tri-state ARSON SPREE.

--The point of the story: Mens are bad (except Jesus and Daddy). Your un-poked vaginer = the entirety of your value on earth and in heaven forever and ever amen. Your father gets to know when you have all your "firsts" with guys. (NB: Of course it's guys -- you're not a homo faggot lesbo, are you?) If you "give a man your pearl," wink-wink, and you're not married to him, then you're a cheap slut who disrespects herself, God, and her parents and deserves to be banged and dismissed by anyone and everyone and GOOD DAY TO YOU, we don't love you anymore and neither does Jesus and never will any man, you little whore.

I've already goddamn told you what you need to do to protect and aid your daughter, you sick creepy fucks! Now go do it.



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Anonymous Anonymous said...

This is written in the exact style as many of the 'first time' stories one finds on amateur erotica sites.
All '*squee* I'm going to get to try something new!' but then being exposed to something so much deeper and more meaningful while being slowly chuckled at and called 'baby'. And often by an older couple.

4:21 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Omigod, that made me laugh way too hard ... ha!

11:59 AM  

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