Friday, July 23, 2010

FM(W)L, vol. 2

True Tales of the Office: A Few More Things Either Spoken in My Presence or Emailed to Me Recently By Actual College Graduates For Whom English Is Allegedly Their First Language

"We are no longer resourced to that task."

"As noted in the deliverables grid here are the current timings (these dates will likely be adjusted and pushed out as we have been delayed in landing on the stylesetter designs)."

"I wanted to share some insights I culled from a session I attended at [company X] after work yesterday – where [they] provided their learnings of reaching and connecting with their users and customers as well as the media to influence their story externally. I think it’s good food for thought as we think about how we want to position our [work]."

"From what I recall, that was a call-out from [bigboss] to have a couple people report out on [that matter]. And because you’d been tapped, there’s probably an expectation for you to continue."

"Hello [people], thank you for your partnership and contributions-to-date on [project]. I am appreciative of the guidance and expertise which you have shared with our team. As you know, we recently went down two headcount on my team and therefore, available 'people' resources, which were slated against our {x} strategies, have been impacted forcing me to make some tough decisions."

"I’d itemize an action line around your being pro-active in reaching out to business partners. Otherwise, this document could be interpreted as [reacting] rather than taking ownership and driving."

"[Gleemonex], I’d suggest, in the future, not sending out thoughts like that to everyone here."

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Blogger Uncle Spike said...

I'd suggest, in the future, completely ignoring comments like that last one and continuing being your bad-ass self. (Don't they know who they're talking to?)

I HAAAATE business speak. I developed spontaneous angioedema over 10 years ago when I heard someone talk about "leveraging deliverables." Talk like this makes my legs involuntarily throw clots. Not one for the corporate world, I.

9:49 AM  
Anonymous Ashley in TN said...

I think I would wither and die if that's the kind of office talk that surrounded me. How the hell do you survive??? Thank God you have a sense of humor! And I'm not sure how I feel about that use of the word "resourced."

3:40 PM  
Anonymous Blabbermouse said...


Where is the suicide emoticon when you need it?

You need to write a book of these. Also, when do we get Vol III, wherein you tell us what you said to warrant that friendly suggestion?

12:22 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Uncle Spike: me too. Too bad I haven't any other skills ... nobody's paying me to stand around playing the root notes of chords on my bass, unfortunately. ;-)

Ashley: It kills the soul. Sincerely. And the infection has a way of spreading -- it really didn't use to be like this, or not this bad, anyway.

BlabberMouse: Ha! Well, that one was in response to an entirely innocuous, offhand comment that would never offend a normal person. Honestly. But the person whose email it was in response to ... well. This person and I have a sort of Larry David relationship, in which we got off on the wrong foot for reasons I really don't get, and now not only does s/He think I am actually clinically retarded, but also, every single interaction since then has just dug the hole deeper and deeper and deeper to the point where ANYTHING I SAY OR DO anywhere near him/her gets me in some sort of weird passive-aggro trouble. It's the damndest thing.

10:18 AM  
Blogger Panda!!!! said...

I see nothing wrong with any of the examples you cite. I am a corporate automaton.

11:31 AM  
Anonymous Blabbermouse said...

Curious. Do you all build "straw men" there? Or is that just a hideous healthcare phrase.

2:49 PM  
Blogger Gleemonex said...

Not so often, no -- we mostly talk about there being "sensitivity around" this or that issue, or how we need to "craft a message" or "tell a story" that "speaks to" this or that "cultural pillar" or "business goal." We also "drive" a lot, not to mention "report out" on "messaging" -- preferably the "compelling" kind -- and "reach out" to "business partners" so that we can can "proactively collaborate" on our "storytelling." Sincerely to Jesus, I never in my life thought I'd be so fucking sick of "telling a story."

4:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It DID used to be better. When I was there, managing your ass. Git out, girl!

2:32 PM  

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