Monday, June 29, 2009

I know what you did last summer

You guys, every once in awhile I come across something that is just jive-turkey bullshit.

Today, that thing is a short article in Parents magazine (shut up, I already explained about the free subscription of unknown provenance and goddammit I need something to read before bed that doesn’t involve sponsored years, Quebecois separatists, Eschaton, drug dealers, people’s eyes getting stitched open and a guy being trapped like a bug in a glass, OK?).

But so anyway. The bullshit, let me show you it.

These jive turkeys want you to “have your kids make a lemonade stand,” the profits from which are supposed to go to “a charity” that they pick (so they’ll hustle harder to sell sell sell). You, the parent, are supposed to set it up and make it fancy (with “an old sheet” for a tablecloth, and “bright, eye-catching signs” to attract passing custom). Also they advise you to “Add an element of fun by having the kids set up a simple ring-toss game that offers customers the chance to win a free goody.” Also you’re supposed to do the following, which I will reproduce in its entirety because it defies my powers of excerption:

Offer tasty treats like baggies of a fun trail mix made with Cheerios, dried cranberries, M&M's, and pretzel nuggets. And you don't have to limit yourself to classic lemonade. Offer a variety of drinks (berry-flavored and sugar-free refreshments are great options).

This is the most wee todd did thing I’ve ever read. Lemonade stands are supposed to be the kids’ own goddamn idea. They’re supposed to filch supplies and furniture for it from your house and their friends’ houses (LW’s mom once made us pay her for the sugar and Kool-ade packets, because she could be a battle-axe like that. I think she thought she was teaching us Econ 101 or something, when really she was just fuckin up our Christmas). Signage, pricing and product offerings are supposed to be the kids’ domain. Nobody likes a fuckin killjoy Flandersy bag of goddamn trail mix, either. “Sugar-free refreshments” are the WORST. And what’s this game shit? “Simple ring-toss game” my ass. Toss rings all day long, I ain’t givin away any “goodys” for free, Chuck. Besides -- what, lemonade & cookies aren't fun enough? Fuck you. And finally – profits to charity? HELL to the no. I’m a kid, I gotta earn whatever way I can. See above re: fuckin killjoy Flandersy bullshit. It’s like Laura Ingalls’ sister Mary up in here – Laura’s all “Oh, I love these beautiful Indian beads we found down by the river!” and Mary, right in front of Ma and Pa so Laura can’t object without looking like a major shitheel, “Yes – let us make a necklace for baby Carrie with ALL of the beads! Which she is too young to play with, so nobody gets the beads! HA-ha!” And Laura’s all, “ … yeah. Yaaaaay.”

Parents -- and Parents -- please: Don't fuck with summer. Seriously. Leave your kids the fuck alone for a little while, why doncha?

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