In which I take up a cause, and rally the Internets to its defense.

OK, Internets. Goddammit. I've had this post brewing for a week or two about how when celebrities have babies, there's all this intense scrutiny about their bodies and how fast they can get back into pre-baby shape and how that SUCKS because yes, their jobs do entail more public ogling than most of us are subject to but A)that shit trickles down to the rest of us and nobody needs that and B)"celebs" are still PEOPLE and biology is a bitch so LAY OFF.

[Pause to marvel at me actually defending celebrities ... ]

But then yesterday afternoon, I'm in the grocery store and I see that we've stopped pretending it's the usual celebrity baggery and have turned it into a blood sport. One of those awful rags, I think this one was In Touch, dispensed with the relative politeness of the other celeb gossip sheets (e.g. US Weekly, which is practically Atlantic Monthly by comparison), and went straight for the throat. The entire cover is pregnancy-one-upsmanship: Side by side photos of J.Lo and Christina Aguilera, with a banner headline blaring POST-BABY BODY WINNERS & LOSERS, and several little side headlines, including one that says "BEST NEW BUMPS" (i.e. if you carry big-all-over instead of soccer-ball-out-front, you're a fucking failure and a worthless person and should probably just kill yourself now, to spare the rest of us the sight of your adult female body). Jesus H. Shatner playing bocce ball w/yr grampa, y'all.

It's this kind of insanity that's responsible for the horrors of "Mend it like Beckham," not to mention a general cultural attitude that says there's something wrong with you -- the civilian woman -- if you don't look like your old self (or better!) within a week of giving birth. FYI, that shit is NOT REAL. Pregnancy and childbirth are whole-body experiences that are goddamn close to entirely out of your control. Your body will do what it wants to do, what it needs to do to make and birth a baby -- you're just along for the ride. Anything beyond the basics requires luck, genetics, and an ass-army of surgeons, nutritionists, nannies, stylists, doctors and assistants to pull together, and I guarantee that in their private moments, these celebrity moms want nothing more than to curl up into a ball with their newborns and sleep like the dead -- just like the rest of us. So can we please, please lay off, on just this one subject? Permanent moratorium? KTHXBAI.

-----------------

PS: Lest any haters infer defensiveness based on my personal situation, full disclosure: I happen to have been one of the lucky few whose body returned more or less to normal fairly quickly. This is due to a combination of the following factors, any one of which, had they been different, would have screwed the whole deal: Starting physically fit and at a normal weight, working out throughout the pregnancy, not having any complications that would sideline me (hyperemesis, preeclampsia, migraines, excessively loosened joints or balance issues, etc.), having cravings that ran more to fresh fruit than to ice cream (a MAJOR surprise to this sugar-baby, I tell you whut), getting diagnosed with GD and put on a no-sugar (and no-white-bread, no-starch, no-juice, no-anything-good) diet that actually caused me to lose weight in my third trimester, breastfeeding like it was going out of style, feeling ready and able to exercise (a little) again at about three weeks postpartum, and sheer genetic luck of the draw.