Where is my mind?
Waaaaay out there, on the water, see it swimming …
Partial list of things I have done recently, which may or may not be attributable to “pregnancy brain,” but if you say that phrase to me, I will — mark my words, I will — choke out a bitch:
* Possibly gave a $40, or maybe $60, tip to a delivery guy for a $25 meal; I can’t find my money anywhere, and I really don’t know what else I could’ve done with it.
* Goddamn near clipped my own left pinky finger off with the verysharp German-made kitchen scissors (while trying to snip the plastic rings from a six-pack, so they don’t get caught around sea birds’ necks). The cut was about a half-inch long and bled like a mofo, but no stitches necessary. Says me.
* Determined that the bucket on the floor at Starbucks was NOT a trash can (it was for umbrellas, or some toy donation drive or something), and then deliberately tossed my wadded-up straw wrapper in, despite standing right over the trash receptacles provided for that purpose.
* Paid for and then failed to take a small bottle of water from the work cafeteria (twice).
* Neatly pared off about half of the fingernail on my left middle finger with the verysharp German-made chef’s knife, in the course of trying to chop up a red onion.
* Tried to wash my hair with conditioner; wondered for a distressingly long time why it wasn’t lathering up at all.
* Blanked out, completely and terrifyingly, on how to set up my bass and amp with the compression pedal and distortion pedal, a setup I have done a hundred times; the various cords and the order in which they connect to each other and the amp and the power strip might as well have been crayolas and chicken nuggets, for all that I knew what to do with them, plus the entire rest of the Sauce band was looking at me and I could not make Mr. Gleemonex understand that I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE WORDS COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH when he was trying to tell me how to do it.
Partial list of things I have done recently, which may or may not be attributable to “pregnancy brain,” but if you say that phrase to me, I will — mark my words, I will — choke out a bitch:
* Possibly gave a $40, or maybe $60, tip to a delivery guy for a $25 meal; I can’t find my money anywhere, and I really don’t know what else I could’ve done with it.
* Goddamn near clipped my own left pinky finger off with the verysharp German-made kitchen scissors (while trying to snip the plastic rings from a six-pack, so they don’t get caught around sea birds’ necks). The cut was about a half-inch long and bled like a mofo, but no stitches necessary. Says me.
* Determined that the bucket on the floor at Starbucks was NOT a trash can (it was for umbrellas, or some toy donation drive or something), and then deliberately tossed my wadded-up straw wrapper in, despite standing right over the trash receptacles provided for that purpose.
* Paid for and then failed to take a small bottle of water from the work cafeteria (twice).
* Neatly pared off about half of the fingernail on my left middle finger with the verysharp German-made chef’s knife, in the course of trying to chop up a red onion.
* Tried to wash my hair with conditioner; wondered for a distressingly long time why it wasn’t lathering up at all.
* Blanked out, completely and terrifyingly, on how to set up my bass and amp with the compression pedal and distortion pedal, a setup I have done a hundred times; the various cords and the order in which they connect to each other and the amp and the power strip might as well have been crayolas and chicken nuggets, for all that I knew what to do with them, plus the entire rest of the Sauce band was looking at me and I could not make Mr. Gleemonex understand that I DID NOT UNDERSTAND THE WORDS COMING OUT OF HIS MOUTH when he was trying to tell me how to do it.
Labels: clean livin, demoralizing confessions, Jesus H. Christ in a sidecar drinking tequila
posted by Gleemonex at 10:48 AM
2 Comments:
Maybe if you just used 'Merican-made kitchen tools, this shit wouldn't happen to you.
Damn the krauts! Damn them!
Post a Comment
<< Home